Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

Yes deep blue that does sound very similar, sometimes I think it's better to feel nothing, well most times really
But feeling is healing as they say - I used to do extreme sports when I was younger and I think I enjoyed feeling that fear because I felt so little it made me feel alive.

[Wattlebird]

My daughter just got a probable diagnosis of bpd. I looked it up and it fits her exactly - there just going to check a few symptoms over time before giving a definite diagnosis but I doubt it will change.
I'm not sure how I feel, Sad I think
See my T tomorrow we can address that then I think
☹️

[sanmagic7]

  to both you and your daughter.  hopefully you'll both get the help you need in dealing with this new challenge.  perhaps with a name for it, you both can get a better handle on what to expect and how to resolve issues that arise.  best to both of you with this.  sending love your way.

[Wattlebird]

This anxiety is making me feel sick (nauseous).  I find I have to make an effort to remember to eat because I have no appetite - I'm losing weight pretty fast for someone not dieting which isn't too bad, as I could lose some more but I'm sure starvation diets aren't the best idea. So I am going to make an effort to eat healthier.
I have this therapist the more she knows about me  - i was taught from a young age to not tell anyone my problems and i certainly learnt well,

[Wattlebird]

Why am I doing this ?
It's a challenge now, I want to beat this trauma , it's run my life from my very earliest memories
What will I do with myself - who will I be?
It's a bit scary

[Deep Blue]

Wattlebird,
I was taught the same as you.  If you have problems then don't share them.  It's a bad message to tell kids. 

I often feel too sick to eat as well.  Sometimes I drink ginger ale to help when I feel like that. 

Those are some mighty big questions in your last post.  Hang in there and we are here to help you sort it out if you need us 

[sanmagic7]

yep, we all learned those lessons well, didn't we.  it's a measure of our intelligence that we learned them well, when and how to use them, and use them creatively. 

i think this might be a good topic to bring up with your therapist.  it seems to me that by bringing it out in the open - your urge to stalk, your anxiety about speaking your truth, how it's all affecting you - you will take some of the power away from those urges and fears, thereby bringing the power back to yourself.

i hope you keep taking care of yourself as best you can.  i don't doubt the answers to those questions will come to you in time.  love and hugs to you.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Sanmagic yes I've been considering talking to my t about it, I just need to work up the courage and stop worrying about what she will think of me, which is stupid I know, she's a therapist that's what she's there for.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi there, I can relate to a lot of what you've said, I too find journaling helpful sometimes I write letters to my abusers then burn them after which is quite cathartic.
I too have a bit of an unusual relationship with my therapist, she is the only person I have felt comfortable with talking to and who understands me, I hate it when My session ends and feel almost let down that I need to talk to her and see her a lot more, I felt like I wanted her to be my friend to meet up with her etc but I know in the real world this just won't happen as it's not professional for her to be able to do so.
I think it's called attachment? Which is quite common with people who had no emotional support when growing up, I find it really difficult when I'm away from her. I'd be scared of telling her tho in case she saw it as me becoming too attached and would think it best to end the therapy with her . That's just my 'thought' tho not saying that would happen.
I'll be interested to hear how you get on when you talk about emotions because that is the part I struggle with the most.

[Wattlebird]

Hi Eyessoblue
Yes I completely understand your attachment, mine is very similar. Yes I have similar fears as well bout telling her. I feel like I can't even do therapy properly  lol, i will update for u

[Andyman73]

Hello again, Wattlebird.
I certainly get about not crying and holding stuff in. I've done that for the past 2 decades. I'm only now learning it's okay to cry. Which has been happening off and on, in the past 18 months.  But even so, I usually hide when I cry.

As for fear of others finding things out...yeah...got lots of that. Mostly cuz I don't want to face folks asking questions. It's hard enough dealing with that in relation to leaving my abusive wife...which most only know the good side of her. So, to the few that have asked so far, I just tell them that I have PTSD and it made things too difficult between us. So...I even take the blame for our marriage ending. I know if I say anything different, she'll hear back from them and will then cause me problems. Especially since our divorce isn't finalized yet. I am okay with letting them believe what they will.  For me, it's a lot less hurtful this way.

[sanmagic7]

hey, wb, and esb,

speaking as a therapist, we understand about attachment, how it works, why it happens.  it's a very common occurrence, but, to my mind, never a reason to end the therapy.  it's something that deserves to be explored with the client so they know what's happening and why, and together work on how to make the therapeutic relationship healthier, less stressful, for the client.

if you have a good relationship with your t, it may be a good idea for you to broach the subject, even speaking about your fears of therapy being stopped.  you could ask your t what would be grounds for stopping therapy and if attachment issues would be one of them.  kind of say something generic about it first, find out what your t thinks and what they say as a way to maybe break the ice for yourself more slowly and carefully.

many people in the helping professions (doctors, teachers, etc.) have to deal with such attachment issues from people with whom they're working.   it's usually more distressing for the client than the helper, but their job is to help you thru the distress so that it can be minimized.  that way you can have a more comfortable professional relationship (and, yes, esb, it would be unethical for your t to see you socially.  there are professional boundaries in place to protect the client)

i hope it goes well for both/either of you if you decide to bring this issue to your t.  sending love and hugs.

[Wattlebird]

Hey San
Thanks
"it's usually more distressing for the client than the helper,"
I think this is the issue for me, I believe her distress would b like mine if someone told me that they had an unhealthy attachment to me !
I would run asap
But it's good to hear it's a common occurance

[Wattlebird]

Yes andyman I understand taking the blame for your marriage ending is so much easier in my eyes too, I often take the blame for things for the sake of peace rather than a real belief that it's my fault. It's just not worth the drama or backlash. Ow dear I'm sorry u need to do that as well.
Crying is good for the soul - well so I'm told I find it quite crushing and often feel self contempt, weak, self centred, and not better at all, I than feel confused as to conflicting knowledge and emotions about crying
Well lots to work on I guess, hope u are finding some peace in your life 

[Wattlebird]

there are memories in my head that I won't even look at - I look around them, i feel around them
How to look straight at them
I feel like my t is waiting for them to be disclosed well I know she is, she has told me in subtle inoffensive ways that she can see the trauma symptoms started long before these other traumas I've disclosed. I just say yes they did and change the subject - I'm not so subtle , ok I think I will ask her HOW to look at them instead of feeling pressured to disclose when I'm not ready
Then I've acknowledged there existence as well, just like I'm doing here
Wow journaling just helped me sort an issue I've been struggling with for a while it seems so obvious when I wrote it out haha