Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

Therapy today, I noticed I always hold back from leading any discussion and want her to lead, she is making me take control of the direction of the conversation and I keep trying to avoid doing this, I was frustrated today at the direction of the conversation because she didn't steer me back to what we were meant to be talking about!
I was talking, I was the one changing direction, why was I frustrated ? Weird
Maybe I was frustrated with myself 

[Deep Blue]

Hey wattlebird,
I am the same way.  I don't like steering the conversation and tend to be disorganized in my thought process when I do.

Avoidance is second nature to me as well.  The one place I should feel safe and not avoid is in therapy and I still do it there too.     Anyway, I'm sitting with you on this

[Wattlebird]

I know thanks deep blue, I'm terribly avoidant it's so frustrating at times,
I'm not in a good mood today I am not even sure what this feeling is, it's a bit agitated, angry, sad, I think

[Wattlebird]

T.w. Physicall Violence

I went to this party tonight and this lady started telling me how her step father used to bash her, this was the very 1st time I had met her, how are people so open about there trauma, she told me of her struggles etc because of trauma.
It has taken me the better part of a year to tell my therapist a small part of my trauma and I have never told another living soul some of that either
Is it different coping mechanisms? Must be
Or is she further along the healing process than me ?
Not to worry I was a little triggered by her but ended up being flooded by a series of small triggers and so I left. I feel much better here at home I think mostly because of the supportive way dh dealt with it.

[Deep Blue]

Hey wattlebird
I have people do that to me all the time! I just met them and they are telling me their deep dark secrets    I joke that it's my chubby cheeks that make me easy to talk to.  Honestly, I don't know what it is about me???

In my experience, the people who are so nonchalant about their abuse have either become abusers themselves, are looking for attention, or are sociopaths and the abuse never effected them.  Not everyone puts forth the effort to heal as many of us on the forum do.  Good job on leaving the party    good self care 

[Wattlebird]

Deep Blue - I think she was looking for attention, by the nature of the conversation, I was just astonished at the casualness of it.
TW more dv
Anyway I've since learnt that I left at the right time as some violence broke out during the party and the elderly couple hosting the event were both victims of some disgraceful physical abuse.

So today I've been a twitchy, cranky, agitated mess, I had a few big flashbacks during the night and a lot of efs today, I feel like I could cry, I'm just not sure what exactly has set me off, I think it's a combination of everything over the last few days, therapy hit a nerve, then yesterday/ party then today learning of the violence and some other triggers along the way
All the difference triggers seem to just build on each other,
I tryed to talk to hubby tonight but I was very snappy and unable to be objective about things, everything he said seemed to trigger me, so I went home,
Ok I may go sit on the porch

[Deep Blue]

Hey wattlebird
I think you are probably right.  Too many triggers and tiredness clustered together can send me into an EF.

I think the porch is a good idea, take care and once you are feeling more grounded then maybe the words will come easier for a talk with your hubby.  Sending you love and support 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks deep blue
I am a lot better today, talked it out with hubby, which resolved a lot of my fears, he was badly triggered as well - so I've been having a mental health/ self care day, and so has he 
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[Andyman73]

WB,
Sorry about how the events played out at the party you attended. Glad you were able to get yourself away before got too bad. I've never been to a party that wasn't a family thing. So...I don't know how I would handle it.  As of yet, I've never even been invited...so probably shouldn't worry huh? 

My therapist recommended anxiety meds a few weeks ago, so when had appointment with psychiatrist last week, I told her. She got me on some now. That jogged my memory to you. Some weeks ago you had mentioned about CBDs helping you with your anxiety. So...a few nights ago went online and ordered me some! So excited to givethem a try! I read up on them and justknow I will get relief for a handful of things I strugle with. I'm so glad you had shared about that! 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Andyman, I hope they work as well for you too 

[Wattlebird]

Well I am proud of the way I handled an awful day, hubby is badly triggered from our horrid weekend and is acting out, shall we say, we discussed it again  and he basically claimed he was fine it was me with the problem, although his previous claim from the last couple of days (that I had a demon) was revoked, basically because I was completely confident that I didn't and saw it as gaslighting 
I ended up saying I think it would be a good idea for us to have three day of no contact. He said he would be around anyway so I've organised alternative accommodation if it is necessary. Hopefully he will change his mind and stay away, I give it a 50/50 probability  I've also got bags packed and in the car, I went and discussed this with a friend and she agreed with my course of action and my view of the situation, I always doubt my decisions.
I am feeling like I am starting to take control of my life 

I really shouldn't be celebrating while he is like this but I am so proud of myself and wanted to share

[Wattlebird]

Ran off this morning and I'm sleeping in my work vehicle (it has a bed)  I have had a good nap but no desire to return home- what to do?

[Sceal]

I think it sounds good to take a step back for a while. Perhaps for the both of you, both getting room to process.
Communication is so important, but it can only be done when both is willing. And from what you're describing it sounds as if your husband is more concerned about throwing blame around than talking things through, at the moment anyway.
I hope it will resolve itself, and that you don't feel the need to sleep in your vehicle!

[Three Roses]

...his previous claim from the last couple of days (that I had a demon) was revoked...

Like, what? I'm at a loss for words. How ridiculous. I wouldn't want to return yet either - hugs to you, wb, if you want. 

[Wattlebird]

Yes three roses that was my response as well, (it was certainly the tipping point, that helped me see things clearly)
thanks sceal but I think me sleeping in my vehicle sounds a lot worse than it is (it's a camper of sorts) not to be too specific but I'm not doing it hard, physically anyway, and I also have other accommodation at friends if necessary already pre-approved.