Wattlebirds journal

[Blueberry]

I understand the feeling of annoyance and frustration all too well. ...
Sending you some warm thoughts!

I live completely alone now, though I did have my Little Furries for a long time. Anyway, it's often really difficult for me to keep going day by day doing the basics, like getting up, taking my meds... so I can understand that it might be difficult for you when your h is away.

Things go more smoothly for me when I accept how I am instead of berating myself. It's hard to do that though but tiny steps count on the way there. 

[Wattlebird]

I've had a up and down day, I managed 2 tasks, I've assigned myself 1 task per day up to Christmas to get on top of my overwhelming to-do list, it's not that bad really I just get overwhelmed at too many things on my plate at once so I've spread them to ease my anxiety, so saved a day today.
So I was all feeling good and hubby notices the good mood and asks for a talk, he wants a separation for financial and legal reasons that I won't get into, they make perfect sense but.... He says we will continue on in our current relationship which is doing better than ever but... I am worried, this sent me spiralling so I went for a walk and then a surf I saw Dolphins and a huge whale breaching it was so special it lifted me right back up, now I'm cooking him dinner   

[Deep Blue]

Oh my goodness my head is spinning with you.  That's a lot of confusing emotions. We are standing with you dear.

[Boy22]

Wattlebird, 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks deep blue and boy22,
Journal
I had a horrid night of little sleep, thinking of my husbands request for seperation yesterday, my son contacted me at 4am from Europe he's had his passport stolen and is at the embassy sorting it out he has missed his flights home, please give me patience to deal with everything at once, I went for a walk before trying to relax my over stimulated self a bit and after 2 minutes nearly stepped on a snake it was just a diamond Python but scared the * out of me, so I'm home again no walking today haha
I was trying not to sleep midday as it will stuff my sleep up again tonight but I think it's going to be my best option for sanity today, so I am smoking again and was going to stop today but decided this can wait for a better mental health state before trying to stop again, I just didn't want to go too long smoking before quitting again, aw well I will just worry about that when this pack is nearly gone
So struggling a lot atm

[sanmagic7]

 

so sorry for so much to deal with, wb.  sending love and standing with you, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

Standing with you - may I offer you a safe, gentle  ?

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird - You have a lot to cope with at the moment - and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok.     I am also standing with you.   
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Hope, 3 roses and San, I appreciate the support enormously, I'm so glad I'm part of this community, which for some reason is very hard for me to admit 
Journal
My hubby and I talked a lot today, he waits till I look better emotionally then dumps the next problem on me, 3 problems today, so I spoke to him tonight and explained I wasn't coping and was barely holding it together can you lay off with the problems please, he was a bit stunned, seems he didn't realise what a mess I was inside, so I told him what was happening for me emotionally, he was sorry and gave me a nice massage to relax me, geez maybe I should explain myself better more often. 

[Sceal]

Wow! That must be stressful for your son and you both. Passport theft is no fun! I hope the embassy managed to help him and that he is on his way home now.

I think it sounds like a smart thing to wait with stopping to smoke until you don't have too many other stressors in your daily life. Kicking a habit can be hard and stressful in and of itself.

I am also glad that your husband listened to you and tried to help you relax a bit with a massage. It's good to hear you managed to communicate with him.

, if it is okay?

[Hope67]

I told him what was happening for me emotionally, he was sorry and gave me a nice massage to relax me, geez maybe I should explain myself better more often. 

That is great, Wattlebird.  I am glad you've been able to talk and that the outcome was a positive one.   
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Had a day of relaxation and self care, and it was lovely, go to see my t tomorrow, i want to talk about 2 things my husbands request and something else spinning around in my head, I really need to plan my topics better as I keep forgetting to ask her things, I planned last week better and felt good about addressing stuff instead of avoiding all the time.
I've been doing this massive puzzle irl and I am noticing how some days I can get heaps of pieces easy and other days I can't get any, that part of my brain must be switched off then 
I think I have a huge amount of anger bubbling under the surface, I keep getting little surges like at the supermarket today I almost kicked the shelf when they were all out of my favourite soft drink, this is very unlike me and shocked me profoundly, so maybe I should mention that to my t as well, the problem is there's never really enough time to address everything , it's so frustrating

[Deep Blue]

Sending you strength my dear 

[sanmagic7]

hey, wb, i've heard a lot of people talk about writing down issues they want to talk to their t about as they come up, then bring the list with them for their next session.  it can be difficult to remember everything that seems important all the time.  maybe your t can then help you decide what needs to be tackled first, given most priority, etc.  you don't have to do this alone.

so glad to hear you had good results when you talked to your hub about what's going on with you.  sounds like he was very caring in his response.  glad for that as well.  and, yeah, maybe it would be to both of your benefit to let him in more often.  let it be more give and take in your relationship.

can you begin letting out those spurts of anger in a safe manner?  write about it, pound your bed, something like that?  those kinds of things have helped me a lot to get it out safely and privately.  i think we all struggle with anger one way or another - it makes sense we'd be mad about what's gone on in our lives.

wishing you the best, sweetie.  keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?   sending love and hugs to you.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San, I'm not really comfortable with showing her a list of stuff yet, not sure why but I am starting to list things for myself and yesterday I addressed the 2 main topics I was concerned about. My hubby and I have been communicating much better, and I have a punching man, like a bag but shaped like a man haha it's great I just got it for this reason thanks,  better than me kicking furniture.
Thanks deep blue I appreciate the strength and hugs

Therapy yesterday, was good, she gave me strength to discuss my fears with my hubby and he was again very understanding and said we'll find another way to sort out his concerns (financial ) so I don't feel threatened with his seperation idea, not sure what to think really, it's all a bit wierd if u ask me, my t as well.
We discussed my reluctance to cry in t, and my bottling it all up and what the blockage is, I really thought it was due to my m aggression whenever I got angry, but after coming home and reading my dissociation book about emotions, I remembered being relentlessly teased whenever I cried, this was not a one off either, so I feel like I found a big piece of the puzzle, now to deal with the emotions surrounding that. Sigh
Somehow I'm feeling much more hopeful today anyway