Wattlebirds journal

[Boy22]

Ummm, hey Wattlebird,

The crying thing. The public expression of emotion. Or rather not.

I still don't understand this. I really don't understand how other people can emote but I cannot.

I am feeling the same things but my public persona cannot allow it.

[Wattlebird]

my son has got his emergency passport and is on his way home, his other passport was stolen, he sent me a copy of his photo on the new passport and he looks very annoyed, it is funny but not really. At least he sees the humour in it. So I've got an big day tomorrow 10 hrs in the car to go get him and bring him home from the airport, but I'm excited to see him he has been away 3 mths, so my daughters are meeting us for dinner before we drive home, they live in the city. It will be good to see them as well, I have been irritated and snapping all day but chose to write about a more posative subject instead of dwelling on my negative emotions, I get so sick of trying to understand myself that sometimes I need a time out from analysing emotions, so I've given myself permission to just focus on the good today

[Deep Blue]

Safe drive and I hope you enjoy the time with your family.   

[Boy22]

Time out, well deserved.

[Wattlebird]

Got my son home, thank goodness, it was so nice to see him, got a big complicated job this week, worked on it all day, I'm usually pretty anxious on these jobs but I was ok today so put in a full day,  first full day in ages.
I'm just going to relax tonight, maybe read some more, listen to music and do my jigsaw puzzle

[sanmagic7]

focusing on  the good today and giving yourself a break from analyzing your emotions - sounds like a recipe for progress.  yay, you..   love and hugs/

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San it's hard not to criticise myself over being slack with my emotions work, but I keep telling myself I will be better off if I take breaks occasionally.
Journal,
Today I met up with a friend for tea, and then worked for a few hrs had a sleep cause I was sooo tired. Talking to my son today and he told us he had a seizure while he was away on holidays, hmm trying not to stress about this but seizures are not good, he thinks it may be because of very low blood pressure because he has problems with this before, and it happened when he stood up too quick, but I sent him off to the doctors anyway. Not something to brush under the carpet. It's so annoying, I feel like he has had his fair share of suffering as he was burnt to 25% of his body when he was 14 and went thru a lot with that, took 18mths in a burn suit and is quite scarred physically and mentally from the experience, luckily his face never scarred much just a couple of coin size marks, the children's hospital had a great psychologist who worked with him during this time for ptsd, and he has had a few flashbacks which he knew how to handle well, one was at school in science class during a prac, he said he just went and sat in his seat and put his head down till he felt better, he said the teacher was really good about it too, might have helped he was wearing a burn suit at the time. ( helped the teacher know what was going on )  it's so so helpful to have good teachers like that. Anyways hopefully he hasn't developed epilepsy from the trauma as I know this can happen. Argh I am stressing myself out, OK change subject. My job I'm working on is not going well, it needs me to be alert and focused, and thinking clearly which only happens for a few hrs at a time, I worked for 3 hrs today and got nowhere except to discover previous mistakes it's pretty frustrating so I ended up with brain fog and went home to bed at least I'm able to do that with my work, perfect for me and my mental health, and my hubby is much much better about me doing this now, since my diagnosis, ( it's not me just being lazy, as he used to insist ) so there's a good side to this diagnosis after all 

[Wattlebird]

Therapy today, it was ok, my t has a chunk of holidays coming up, she has been prepping me as the last 2 small breaks she's had sent me into a spiral of despair, this annoys me so much, I feel like such a baby chucking a tantrum. I am humiliated that I'm so attached to her that I can't handle her having holidays. Why can't I be logical about this?  And in the middle of this break we have my entire foo coming to stay for chrissy, ow man what have I done. I don't trust my immediate family not to discuss my diagnosis with them either, they don't seem to make the connection of complex trauma and foo, probably because I've given very few details of the causes of my trauma, although I'm guessing hubby has made connections as he is a fair bit cooler toward them lately, ( they asked him to do a job for them last week and he just said no, get someone else to do it, haha) not his usual response at all, what if he says something to them, my m will probably whinge to me about it but I really don't care, I'm glad he said no they just use him anyway. My m (bpd) I think, undiagnosed anyway, she uses our families trade skills a lot and refuses to pay for 1/2 of it, I tolerated this with my hubby, because it was his choice but when she did it to my kids I was very upset, so were they, their kindly gramma had ripped them off, they were very upset. I really didn't think she would do this to them as she has always been generous with them and they adored her, it was a slap in the face really.
Anyway I need to stop with all the what if's and plan for myself,
We discussed some early trauma today, with no emotions involved, I think my t is getting frustrated at my lack on emotional responses to these traumas, she's focusing a lot on it, but it's just not there atm, actually it's probably me getting frustrated not her, she seems more effected by what I'm saying than me, I don't know if she is just mirroring an appropriate response to me or what, she just looks sad and sympathetic, I'm so unused to getting sympathy that it has confused me a little. Anyway enough reflecting today, I do feel a bit better getting that stuff off my chest.

[Boy22]

Hey Wattlebird,

There is an awful lot of resonance in your post. I am still working on regaining connections with my siblings. The scripts I and they were given set us on a collision course that we have yet to fully recover from.

My advice, if I may, is to work out how you can have a safe space to retreat to when you need to. My father's 80th birthday is next month. I have my safe placed planned nearby.

[sanmagic7]

hey, wb, our wounds go to different places for each of us.  i hope you can eventually accept that what you've been thru has affected you in your own way, including the whole thing around emotions or being w/o your t for a period of time.  i was ridiculed for showing emotion (especially crying) many times when i was a kid, and i stopped crying for over 30 yrs.

i think it's a defense mechanism, and when you're ready, you'll find your emotions and they'll find you, and eventually you'll be able to express them appropriately.  i'm now able to cry all over the place, over both pos. and neg. things, but it didn't happen all at once.  for awhile, i was even crying without knowing why.  it took a while to get a handle on that.

so, please, be patient with yourself.  our emotional responses were often stifled when we were young, and i think it's easy to lose track of what emotions truly belong where.  we'll be here for you, too, when your t is gone - i know it's not the same, but you won't be alone.  i think some of that dependency stems from the idea that you've finally found a safe person to be with.  sounds natural to me that you'd miss that when they're gone.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  sending love and a caring hug.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks boy, I have several escape options, I have a vehicle set up like a camper it's my run away from life van, I used to escape in it often, now not so much but it's there waiting if I'm desperate, also it's a large property with many escape options. I planned escape when I planned to have them over.
Thanks San, stupid emotions, can't live with them, can't live without them, they will emerge eventually, I'm getting small waves of grief and shame but they cut off pretty quickly, took me a bit to work out what they were too. But certainly I am making progress, especially with this book hope and I are reading, helps me understand how to approach this in a practicle way I understand, talking with my parts has been a wierd but helpful experience, I sometimes wonder if I'm losing the plot with all this inner dialog happening but remind myself it's in the book, they tell you to do it, your not crazy have inner meetings and seems like every meeting more parts show themselves there's a crowd almost, it's a bit overwhelming but working out, we are definitely making progress. Thanks

[Three Roses]

  

[Boy22]

Mmhmm 

[Wattlebird]

Just talked half the day with hubby we have decided to separate after Christmas if we still agree then, as we are both rather impulsive and want to give the decision time.
I feel quite relieved that we have agreed to this as it was so up in the air, but we have both agreed that there are unresolvable issues that we are unwilling to change.
What to say about this ?
I'm not sure how I feel, but it's a mix of relief, pain, grief, sadness, and hope, yes hope I'm surprised at that, haven't had hope in a long time.
So me quitting smoking only lasted a few days till today.
It was so weird, i really talked well, I am usually so triggered by these talks that I can't explain my side of things but today I was able to say what was on my heart without flipping out and so could he, I'm certain he has cptsd as well, he certainly has narcissistic tendencies but he is willing to change actions, but not around emotional support, he can't or is unwilling to support me emotionally as I recover and I understand this as I have been quit emotionally abusive in the past and he has suffered as a result.
We have both healed enough to see we are just co-existing, what a mess.
So big bash at Christmas, we should announce it at Christmas dinner haha what a downer that would be.
We are very amicable about it all even splitting assets was easy, I think he was relieved I didn't ask for more as he is receiving a very large inheritance soon, but I'm very happy with what I'm getting, it will be enough (although tight) to live on if I'm not working and I can work most of the time.
Well I found some tears today, argh what a mess.

[Three Roses]

This made me chuckle:

we should announce it at Christmas dinner haha what a downer that would be.

I'm sorry for the split but join you in hoping for a better, brighter future for you with the support you need.