Wattlebirds journal

[Three Roses]

I honestly don't think you're being cold hearted. Just because someone else is feeling differently than you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the way you are feeling.

I can relate to the feeling of relief after breaking away from people who were detrimental to my healing. I think you're brave! Can't wait to see where this takes you.

[Wattlebird]

Today we got the paper work finalised for the seperation, so i need to take it to be witnessed by my solicitor tomorrow, so h remarked today on my lack of emotional response and upbeat attitude, (which I have been trying to dampen around him, unsuccessfully it seems) and we discussed it all and I think I've worked it out, I said that I've just felt relief at the constant triggering of trying to please him, and since that pressure is gone now, the triggering and the constant feeling of anxiety are gone too, I was working so hard at trying to be someone I'm not to keep him happy that to give up this hopeless quest has been an utter relief. I didn't quite put it so harshly to him but that is how I'm feeling about it.

Trigger warning suicide mention
So it helped how we discussed my foo's attitude to us and his m's suicide last year and how foo's utter refusal to see the truth about people, h was talking to a group of foo members and mentioned his m had a mental health problem (she was diagnosed bipolar) and her sister said no no she just had a bit of anxiety!! They know her diagnosis and she did suicide, how can she not see this is a mental health issue, he is mystified by there attitudes and denial as he was the only family member trying to help her and telling them they she needed help NOW, my d even rang an embulance for her once during a very bad episode and when my h's brother arrived home he sent them away, anyway foo rant over.
End of trigger
So now he is upset he is being seen as the bad guy once again (by my parents) as they are blaming him for everything and utterly refuse to hear anything against me real or not, we both agree it's 50/50 we both have cptsd and other personality disorders but both of us do love each other but we recognise our issues and agree that it will never work, we just trigger each other all day long and he refuses therapy and refuses to change his personality traits that trigger me, so 
This is really the first time I've organised it all in my head since we first reached this conclusion and it comforts me to reestablish the reasoning behind it all.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks hope and 3r for telling me u don't think I'm cold hearted, warmed my heart 

[Sceal]

I am glad that you're feeling upbeat and more of relief. It's good that you no longer walk around feeling like you have to please him and make him feel happier at your expense.

[Deep Blue]

I'm glad that you are feeling relief during this process.  Walking on egg shells is so triggering to me.  Your words indicate you will be feeling more free to explore whom your true self.  Much love 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks db and sceal
Yes it's good, shows how how much pressure there was that I wasn't aware of until it was gone.
Journal
anxious today, not entirely sure why, but I know h was irritating me, also I rent my house out Airbnb over xmas season and bookings are coming in thick and fast, having to deal with people I don't know stresses me heaps and I've been talking to renters thru out the day, may just be everything, saw a solicitor yesterday for the seperation, my solicitor kept chuckling at the documents and I asked what was funny, he said it was the simplest most easy going seperation he has ever dealt with, I told hubby and he said his solicitor said he was gunna ring Guinness book of records for the easiest seperation ever. So that's nice to know how civil we are both being and not arguing over anything. I always envisioned a massive fight over money (he has money issues) but he has gladly given me what I asked for no comments even, except he would prefer me not to sell these assets so the kids will inherit them which was my intention anyway, but he also is understanding he no longer has a say. What a massive relief that is.
Anyway enough for now

[sanmagic7]

wow, wb, well done to both of you for being civil about this, and i'm very glad for you that you're seeing what a strain it's been while staying in that relationship.  i can totally relate.  my hub and i still talk on the phone each week, we're there for each other, but man, am i glad i'm not living with him anymore.  the difference in stress levels was amazing to me.  so, i get what you're saying about feeling relieved, even if it's not for the same reason.

i can't imagine having to interview all those people.  that's quite a project.  i hope you give yourself some down time during the process.

love and 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San, I'm glad for what you wrote, I'm very glad to be away from him but also are remaining friends, a bit unusual it seems but I'm glad you have a similar experience, I keep thinking if we are still such good friends we should be able to make it work, but after 20yrs we both understand it's not going to work.
We are actually going away together tomorrow on a planned trip we didn't want to cancel so hopefully that doesn't turn into a disaster but I don't think so, just a couple of nights - should be able to manage,
I had a horrid night last night and slept most the day away, sleeping in is a major trigger for h, and a major major cause of problems in the marriage, he can not tolerate it at all, and he knows I turn my phone on silent, if I'm sleeping during the day.
Today I had 4 missed calls and then he turned up and woke me up, just to ask some stupid question which was like are u angry with me? I quickly told him to get lost, his phone calls made me defiant and I stayed in bed longer (an old pattern ) he refuses to leave messages, which is how I know it's not urgent. What a pest.

[Wattlebird]

I was continuing dwelling on this sleeping issue and remembered when we were engaged and had an argument about how I slept too long ( in his opinion) I have always needed 10 hrs to get by and cope with life, he says 7 is optimal and sees anything longer than this as a sign of depression or laziness and his solution is simply sleep 7 hrs and u won't be depressed. So I said pre marriage that if sleeping this long is going to be an issue we shouldn't marry, he said we can just see what happens but I was firm on this point because I knew I couldn't cope with less, he reluctantly agreed, just to stop the argument. So he spent are whole marriage trying to get me to sleep less it was ok when he worked and I had day naps when the kids were at school but then he semi retired and worked from home, I used to hide to sleep or go out in the van I set up with a bed in it to sleep in that, the problem is whenever I'm triggered I get very very tired and regulate my emotions with sleep. He is still convinced he is right so try's to "help me" by continuously waking me and lecturing me on the benefits of getting up early argh he mows the grass outside my window or some other loud noise and if u dare comment that it woke u then all * breaks loose. My t has said a few things about his hatred of my sleeping but I usually brush it, not quite able to deal with my feelings around this as I have a lot of shame at my excessive sleeping and feel he is right but could never manage to discipline my sleep habits.

[Three Roses]

I think it's preposterous that people don't realize that each person is different! I need a solid 9 hours of sleep to be able to get thru the next day without napping, but my husband feels groggy after about 7.5 hours. (He rarely gets that much uninterrupted sleep anymore but that's a different conversation.)

That would totally piss me off, to be told how much sleep to get! I'm afraid I'd have to put my foot down and he would have to learn not to cross me on that issue. My sleep is important to me, if for no other reason than this is when your body heals itself.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
I also think that people vary so much regarding their need for sleep - and that it wasn't fair that your husband was trying to dictate to you on how long you could sleep and then trying to scupper your sleep when you were trying to sleep - at least you'll be able to enjoy as many hours of sleep as you need - without being disturbed - now that you've separated.  Sleep is so important, and I hope you enjoy some comforting sleep tonight - or whenever you want to sleep - day or night.   
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Yes 3r
I did put my foot down many many times hence the mower and other tactics to wake me, it was never resolved, one of the main issues for seperation. I could really rant about him but won't let that anger out atm.
Thanks hope, yes I agree and I have been sleeping to my hearts content 

[Hope67]

  to 'sleeping to my heart's content' - that is wonderful.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

holy moly, i've been thru this as well.  i'm with the others, wb - everyone finds their own best amt. of sleep, and no one deserves to be dictated to (been there - it sucked).  altho i can't usually get enough sleep during the night, my naps have been important to me for decades.  often, they're when i get the most restful sleep of a 24-hr. period.

and i hate being woken up when i nap, more so than when i sleep at night.  it's like it's my private time, my safe space, and i'm not only protective of it, but possessive of that time as well.  i totally get it.  so glad you don't have to deal with it (mostly) anymore.

sending love and a hug full of restful sleep to be used whenever you want.

[Sceal]

Sounds awful.
I'm sorry. Sleep is instrumental and highly individual.