Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

Thanks sceal, San and hope, for the support, and validation, for so long I was ashamed at my "laziness" but my t has validated my tiredness and explained why I need more sleep. It's a relief to sleep without guilt.   
Journal
On Friday I signed our seperation paperwork, then went away for the weekend with h, wierd I know but it was ok - a pre planned work based trip
All weekend h said many times " ow I can't tell you what to do anymore"  this was the one thing that I noticed more than anything, we fought all the time about being told what to do and he always denied he constantly told me what to do, eat, drink, how to behave, where to park, what to buy etc. I really think he saw how much he did it when he realised he couldn't do it anymore.
So that was good I guess, it was a nice weekend but it didn't set off any regrets, even though he was well behaved all weekend I still felt validated that I'd made the correct decision to separate, I think he was not regretting either, we talked a lot.
Anyway glad to b home,I had a great surf this afternoon I usually don't discuss surfing as its a bit identifying but today was so good that I had to share the Stoke ! I need to stop smoking as I was huffing and puffing something bad.     

[Deep Blue]

Wattlebird,
I'm with ya.  I'm one of those people that need more sleep too.  I wonder if it is because I'm such a light sleeper? I don't feel guilty about it   

I'm glad you had fun on the waves. Hang loose 

[Wattlebird]

I'm really angry today, I'm so annoyed with d2 she rang yesterday telling me how much her therapy is going to cost I said ok I'll pay for that. Then after checking my bank account noticed her phone bill and music account are still coming out of my bank, I've been asking her to change it since April, so I sent her a message telling her I'd change my credit card if she didn't change it, as I can barely afford my own, she is 18 and working, she only asked me to stop being rude to her, I wasn't rude in the 1st message but ended up being rude at the response, I told her that I'd been asking her this for months just do it!! Now she hasn't responded at all.
I'm so tempted to write an abusive message about how everyone just uses me and wants help from me continuously and doesn't give a * about what I ask in return. I'm so so annoyed I think it's an ef judging by the intensity of the anger, so I'm trying not to act rashly but 
I think I'm going to hide in my house and bash up Bob ( my punching bag shaped like a man )

[Wattlebird]

After pacing around the house I've decided to respond to her but here instead of irl, I don't want to set her off or be irrational with her.

Don't worry I'll go to the bank and change my card, pay for your insurance, pay for your therapy which I have to go back to work to afford, since I've got to pay for my therapy too, I'm helping d1 move tomorrow after 5 hrs of driving and sleeping in my car maybe I'll fit it in between that and fixing h's ... Which he wants done today that will take hrs ow yeah and swap the trust into his name today as well as s wants work done by xmas but is too polite to nag, h hasn't signed the seperation papers yet but wants me to do all my side "before I start thinking irrationally again" including signing property over to him ect. But I've noticed all the debt hasn't been transferred to him yet either, so don't stress yourself too much by doing a 5 minute job, I'll sort it all out for you again. I hope you have enough money for your drugs or do u want me to pay for them as well, and be polite about it while I'm working my * off to fix everyone else's cr*p, s hasn't transferred his phone yet but gives me the cash each month, maybe you could pay for the phone with all those medical rebates u kept from the therapy I paid for!!!!
Should I send that Maybe I should

[sanmagic7]

my dear wb, your experience felt so familiar, i just had to share.  i don't know you or your d, but i know me and mine.  she would take all my money and more any time she could get away with it.  in the end, it was all about boundaries, standing up for mine, and standing up to her.  that scared the crap out of me.

it wasn't until i took my power back rather than hoping that she would be respectful of me that things changed.  i don't think it's 'rude' at all to state your wants/needs, and to place a firm boundary where YOU need it, rather than where she wants it.  i was also the one who was continually sucked dry by others, and the only way that stopped was after i stood firm and resolute in what was ok for me and what wasn't.

this is not necessarily easy by any means.  it was a process i had to go thru, and my d, in the end, did not take it well.  i don't know if it might be different with yours, but, unfortunately, if drugs are in the scene, well . . .they cost a lot of money to keep in one's life.  my d was also into drugs.

forgive me if i'm being too blunt.  this is only my experience, my thoughts, and my opinions.  i really hope the best for you and that you are able to figure out how to get back control of your finances.   i'm saying this with love.   

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San
I definitly don't think your being too blunt, I know you are right.
I did end up sending that message and her reply was to ask me to stop dumping my problems on her,    I've been crying and angry all day ( very unusual ) but good progress I guess    just feels so bad and now I feel bad for sending that message in the tones I used, I should have done it in a better mood. I snapped h head off when he tryed to give me a dozen eggs from the farm,  yes I'm going to sort out some boundaries and stick to it. But not today I'm going to bed before I start on someone else.
Thanks San I really needed someone on my side this time, I appreciate you sharing about your d as well.

[Three Roses]

Sorry I'm late to see this post, but wattle bird, you deserve to set boundaries, it doesn't matter what they are, they are yours to set. You get to decide how you will be treated. Hugs and support to you! 

[Three Roses]

I'm so so annoyed I think it's an ef judging by the intensity of the anger, so I'm trying not to act rashly but 

What if you're angry because you... well, are angry. You've every right to be angry. She has treated you thoughtlessly.

She is only 18 tho and so there's hope for her yet, provided she sees someone modeling healthy boundaries. I'm not saying you, but somewhere she needs to see the need for healthy boundaries, if only for her own benefit.

But if you've been hurt, or taken advantage of, or whatever... You've been mistreated and anger is a valid and appropriate response! Anger is not bad, it's a natural emotion without which we are pretty much powerless to enact painful but necessary changes in our lives.

I say be angry. A person can feel intense anger without being dramatic about it. One needn't raise their voice or be sarcastic. Those are only things to make you feel you need to apologize for later.

Be angry, try to stay calm, and be honest. I'll cheer you on from the sidelines! (and maybe learn how to get in touch with my own )

[Wattlebird]

Thanks 3r
Yes I was confused at my anger, I very rarely get angry and only have been mildly annoyed at my kids, so didn't know what was going on but you are right of course I can be angry and not be nasty as a result, in my mind anger = abusive, so it was disowned and now I'm trying to accept all my parts it's raised its head.

[Three Roses]

now I'm trying to accept all my parts it's raised its head.

Awesome! 

[sanmagic7]

you know, wb, for the longest time i didn't let myself get angry about my d and what she was doing.  i was actually scared of it, scared that it might chase her away and that i would lose her.  i even ended up having nightmares about it, which was totally disconcerting.

i agree with 3r that your anger is natural, and perhaps even necessary.  she was violating your boundaries, being disrespectful, and otherwise unpleasant to you, who has done so much for her.  i think it takes practice being angry in a non-abusive way because we often didn't have role models for it or experience with it.  so, i hope you don't beat yourself up about that message you gave her - it was sort of like a first draft, it seems, and we all know first drafts aren't perfect.

but, you got it out, plus you got it out where it belonged, and i say  to that.  well done.  you'll be able to keep figuring out this anger thing as you go along, but i think you made a great first step here.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San and 3r
I apologised to my d2 for the sarcastic message and explained why I was angry, I also changed my credit card so it won't happen again.
I don't think she comprehended that she was in any way at fault for what she did or said, but I'm not going to argue over it, I'm just setting firm boundaries with her, she is very manipulative and guilts me into a lot of stuff but I am going to try and be strong with boundaries while still being loving and supportive and respectful. The rest is up to her.
On a related topic I've been trying to understand a bit more about why I have this need to keep people happy or please them and also I've noticed, not to let anyone worry about me. If I think someone is worrying about me I feel tremendous guilt, I know my t was worried about me before she left on holidays and I've been so tempted to send her a message that I am fine, why this need to reassure people when really I'm not fine at all. Something to ponder.
I just watched 2 old favourite movies, from my early teens it was fun.

[sanmagic7]

wow, i could've written your post almost word for word.

best to you with your d.  mine was also very manipulative, used guilt as a weapon (it worked really well for a long time), and extremely intelligent.  she definitely knew how to get at me, make me waver, and eventually cave in too many times for too many years.  sending love, sweetie, and a hug full of strength.

if you ever feel wobbly, you're welcome to write here, or pm me.  i get it.  well done with your credit card, too.

[Sceal]

Hi Wattlebird!

It's a hard nut to crack that one, the one with having to keep people happy or to please them in some way. It's so hard to always maintain it, and it takes so much out of you. Because, atleast for me, I've gotten to the point I'd really like it if someone saw through the BS of "no, no I'm fine. Everything is alright. Don't worry", but I don't voice it outloud. I wonder, perhaps it is a defence strategy? It makes you small, unnoticeable and therefore a less likely target?

I'm glad watching the movies were a good thing! Selfcare is important!

[Wattlebird]

Sceal, yes some sort of defence strategy for sure - just not sure if it's don't look at me or something else, something to ponder I guess.
Thanks San I may just do that if I get wobbly thanks, sounds as though we have had very similar experiences, I really love having people understand what life is like for me for a change.
Journal
Last night I had my d2 ring me in hysterics, she lost another job and was talking of dying.
Well I immediately started to dissociate, but realised and sort of pulled myself back reassured my parts and told them this was too important.
I then remained present and empathetic, I didn't offer financial support to reassure her, I just told her to take deep breaths slow down, reassured her that it was just a job, we discussed why she keeps losing jobs a bit and I reassured her the dbt training next year would help her sort these issues out and it was A borderline issue that was common, she seemed to be way calmer at the end of the conversation and thanked me a lot.
for me, I somehow untriggered myself and actually feel like I was in control instead of panicked band aid solutions I supported without enabling. I really can't remember a time when an emotional outburst hasn't resulted in dissociation.
Then an hr later d1 rang she was very concerned at d2 as she got her this job and works with her so heard of her dismissal and was trying to contact her with no results or replys she was concerned for her safety. We then had a long talk about her own emotional problems and the course she started that day "a 3 day intensive about dealing with emotions and how to manage them sort of thing " 12 hrs a day, she told me of her issues with d2 and how she wanted to break down that wall she had built. I was also able to remain present with her, it was all very satisfying. I know that sounds wierd to be satisfied at my children's distress but I was satisfied at there openness and at my reaction.