Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

My t just let me know she is sick and won't b able to have our session tomorrow, and next week is away which she told me ages ago, this the only time she has cancelled, I feel so depressed I had all these issues I was going to bring up I had worked up the courage to address things, now I won't be able to for another 2 weeks, sigh, I feel a bit abandoned but logically I know it's not about me, I immediately imagined she had read the stalking comments online but I think that's just paranoia again.
I thought of going back to an addiction for comfort or sleeping as I do when depressed all day, maybe get really high, so I went for a walk to boost my mood a bit but it really hasn't helped so I hopped on here to try and work it thru a bit. argh

[sanmagic7]

congrats to you for trying alternate ways to calm and soothe yourself before automatically reaching for your addiction.  that's a great step forward.  well done.

sorry your t isn't going to be around, especially after you worked out how you wanted to approach the idea of looking at those earlier traumas.  i thought it was a great idea, tho, and i hope you can maintain it till she gets back.

love and hugs.

[Wattlebird]

Ok today was a good day, I'm excited to see my daughter she has been O.S. For a while and I have missed her  she is arriving here tonight and staying for a few days.   
My children (well adults now) are wonderful people and I love them dearly

[Wattlebird]

Im feeling good again today, it's a bit of a shock to my system but I'm really enjoying it, I have a big drive tomorrow but I love driving on my own and listening to audiobooks and not having to deal with other people.  Well not face to face anyway.

[Wattlebird]

What a positive weekend I had  it's nice, I'm usually so anxious. I think just putting aside therapy for awhile and just enjoying life was a good way to see the improvements in me. The desire to knock myself out thru whatever means available was very low but still present.
Got to spend a lot of quality time with one of my daughters and my son,

[Wattlebird]

I've noticed an interesting thing, I have been trying to get in better contact with my emotions and I do this for short periods but I have noticed I enjoy the feelings of grief and pain ? This confuses me it - I enjoy it so much I keep trying to get that feeling back ? The feelings only last a few seconds at a time why do I like pain and grief
It's all a bit strange

[Wattlebird]

When I'm going really well like this last week, I have an urge to do something destructive but I have been recognising these impulses more and more, I have been getting used to sitting with temptation and not being scared of those feelings or where they lead.
This seems to take away some of the power of the temptation,
I have noticed intrusive memories, now I'm taking notice of what's going on in my head, I'm sure they are coming up because I'm working thru this stuff, but it really is affecting my day to day life,

[Wattlebird]

I lost my temper today, this is a noteworthy event as it happen very infrequently about once every year or so if that. I didn't even dissociate and I really spat the dummy. It's a funny thing to be happy about but I feel like it was a reasonable response to the situation my husband agrees with this assessment as I don't totally trust my assessment of reasonable responses to emotionally stressful situations.
So progress    
Then I took a large dose of cannabis oil and went to bed. Aw well no-ones perfect. But progress is progress and I'm happy (maybe it's the oil) 

[sanmagic7]

hey, wb, it sounds like progress to me.  changing our circumstances, environment, and the people surrounding us can have a profound effect on our emotions, perceptions, and perspectives.  i've noticed that since i moved out of a tension-filled house, it's not always been easy making the adjustment.

i don't think it's uncommon for those who have been raised in and been continually caught up in abusive, chaotic environments to become used to living that way, used to dealing with and interacting in such circumstances to the point where it had become the norm for us.  when we leave that behind, it can feel uncomfortable, we can feel uneasy because we don't quite know how to deal with the 'calm'.

the idea then of liking pain and grief, chaos and abuse is not so much a like of it, to my mind, as it is that we've become accustomed to it, comfortable with it, and it can feel weird to be without it.  that might be why, when things go well, those destructive, neg.  ideas come to mind.  it's our brains attempting to adjust to the change, not quite knowing what to do with the newness of things going well, and wanting to revert to old behaviors so as to feel 'normal' again.

so, bravo for fighting those urges.  you are stronger than the old patterns you got used to, and you're showing it.  that includes getting angry when it's relevant.     keep up the good work, wb.  you're moving forward, one step at a time.  yay, you.   sending you love and hugs filled with more of that fighting spirit.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San that makes sense, it's like having little kids isn't it, it's a bit scary when everything is too peaceful - there bound to be drawing on walls or something somewhere.

[Wattlebird]

Anxiety is back, I'm just overwhelmed and not dealing with it so well. I'm always stuck in the middle of every * fight that happens in this family. My borderline daughter won't deal with my husband who is a control freak and I'm in the middle with him trying to control her thru me and her trying to get her money off him thru me to buy a car while she is mentally unstable and has been suicidal on and off all year. So I'm treading carefully but trying to resolve the issues. I think we should just let her buy what she wants but he wants to approve the car and won't release the money until he is satisfied, she wants it NOW and doesn't want to do any type of inspection or security checks OMG  she is also many hrs drive away so it's not easy to pop over and check out the car but I'm driving over and back tomorrow just to check that she isn't buying a lemon and taking her the money but he wants to give me never ending lectures about cars and how u should buy one, he is actually trying really hard not to stress me but he can't seem to let go and sees it as not caring for her if he lets her choose whatever, she is only just turned so pretty young still and the youngest child,
anyway finished my rant and amazingly I feel a bit better, so another drive tomorrow at least driving really relaxes me I will need it

[sanmagic7]

best to you with all this, wb.  i've been in the middle of family affairs, and it's far from being a picnic.  i'm just glad it helped you to write it down, and enjoy the drive.  i've always felt good when driving, too - have taken many road trips by myself just to get away for a bit.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[Wattlebird]

Ok home sweet home big massive day with major anxiety all day till I started for home my daughter got her car thankfully and we all survived - just.
Got home at 1am and there was a bird in my room ?? I had to chase it round and round for 15 mins till it went out one of the doors it's now in the lounge room but I'll deal with that tomorrow I'm going to bed 

[Wattlebird]

A better day today, i need to be more consistent with my meditation to calm myself, I was thinking about how I find it so difficult to ask for things, I hate talking on the phone unless it's someone I know very well. I am a lot better than I used to be I was so bad before I couldn't ring up for pizza delivery, I would drive in and get it so I didn't have to ring. I do better face to face because I read the persons responses on there face. I still struggle to ask for things though.
I spent half the day cleaning up bird poo, lol - see above -
I am loving my new house

[Wattlebird]

Still anxious
getting intrusive thoughts about self harm, this is very annoying and frustrating, I've been going so good this year, but I feel all this turmoil at the moment and it's all so real - it's like someone has turned my life over to high definition and I've been used to a snowy picture
Another big drive tomorrow