Wattlebirds journal

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
I'm glad to hear you had 2 nights of good sleep.  Also that you've got a lot done today - I am also hoping to clean the house on the weekend - not looking forward to that...  You're nearly there - good luck getting your Christmas gifts sorted. 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

So I got most things done but a lot of cleaning failed to occur but our guests didn't seem to mind, Christmas was mostly a good time my m and f who were originally staying a few days only stayed a few hrs, I asked for the results of the tests she had and she has got cancer of the blood (multiple myeloma ) so not good at all. Not entirely sure what I'm feeling about this, I need to sit with it a while I think. I was triggered later that night by my d1 getting very drunk and emotional, my son noticed my anxiety and soon got everyone off to bed very diplomatically and come back to see if I was ok, I was ok but very thankful. I had a fair bit of anxiety but pushed myself to be in the moment and enjoyed myself as well - had some interesting conversations with my elder s about how disfunctional our foo was and the advice we were given as youngsters and about me being the golden child who could do no wrong, she got very bitter at this but not directed at me, but I still feel guilt at her bitterness, I guess it's guilt that I played the role assigned to me, hurting my siblings as a result. Anyway I have lots to discuss but not now.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,  Just sending you a hug  - well done for getting through everything.  Sounds like a lot to process. 
Hope 

[Jdog]

Hi, Wattlebird/

I have just now been catching up on your journal - have a little down time atm- and I want to say you seem to be coping pretty well, considering the number of demands placed upon you by family and etc.  I don't have anyone here other than my wife, so don't have the complexities to deal with.  Anyway, I just wanted to shout out my admiration for all the self care and good work you are doing. 

Happy Holidays.

[Deep Blue]

Hey wattlebird I just wanted to pop in about the guilt you feel over being the golden child.  I do not think you should feel guilt over it.  I honestly don't.

I'm not the golden child.  My brother is.  It's not his fault.  I don't want him feeling guilty about it.  The blame is placed on those who raised us, not the children. 

I guess what I'm saying is, from a non golden child to a golden child... you have nothing to feel guilty for

[sanmagic7]

wb, i agree about not needing to feel guilty about the role assigned you in your family.  we all play our parts based on the messages and expectations put forth to us, repeatedly.  we didn't have a choice.  my sis was also very bitter about being the middle child (my little bro was the golden child), but i really couldn't help our birth order or how my folks treated each of us. 

i was the oldest, and had the heaviest expectations, while he was the youngest, the 'baby', and coddled more.  she, quite frankly, was a bully to both him and me, so i guess she was angry for a long time.  that's something that's out of our control. 

your sister is going to have her feelings no matter what.  they're just hers, and really have nothing to do with you except out of circumstance.  it's too bad, but she might have a right to feel bitter, but toward your parents.  that's her stuff to process and work thru.  my sis ended up playing the victim card for her adult life, but it didn't have to be that way.  those were her choices she made.  i hope your sis can process what you told her and remain a good person.  you already are.

lots of stuff here that you're dealing with.  i'm glad you're taking your time.  sending love and hugs, sweetie.

[Wattlebird]

Thank you San, DB, jdog and hope for your encouragement and kind words.
Journal
I spent some time with a friend today just chatting, it was really good, we talked about my seperation her man problems and problems with her son, my daughter etc etc, it was nice to have a rant. One thing was really interesting, she was talking about relational problems she had and she described what sounded very much like she was being triggered into dissociation and lost control of her actions, she even had a name for her other self, I told her it sounded like she was dissociating and she said she was going to get therapy but looked doubtful about it being dissociation, I was very impressed at her self awareness she even knew what triggered her on these occasions, it took me a good 6 mths of therapy to get to that level of self awareness, I'm so happy that she can start therapy knowing the causes of her behaviour, this may sound wierd I don't mean I'm glad she needs therapy, I just mean that part of learning about myself was so hard for me I'm pleased she has already got that knowledge.
Anyway it was a lovely time, I want to be more social and I'm glad I decided to drop in on her.

[Jdog]

Yes, having a good old fashioned rant and then getting a chance to listen to what is really going on inside the head and heart of a friend is therapeutic.  Glad you could talk, listen, and offer help. 

[sanmagic7]

sounds great, actually, sweetie.  very glad you found someone you could do this with.  lovely.  love and hugs.

[Wattlebird]

At the moment I'm staying in a granny flat at my ex's while my house is being rented for a couple of weeks, it's been ok, I think my ex is depressed, well he is, but I'm starting to think that he is cut at the way I've coped so very well with our seperation, I'm happy, getting way more done and enjoying life in general, he is moping around, he has discussed it with me a few times, he was so sure I would go to pieces, I was thinking I would too, but I'm just so glad to have my life back and do what I want, instead of what is expected of me and what I'm told to do, he continually told me I would be lost without him and now I'm not and he is the one that's lost without me, It is hurting his pride in a big way.
The amount of gaslighting I was subject to really messed with me, I am now standing up to him and refusing to do what I don't want to, he was upset with me for not doing things for him that I don't want to do, stuff I usually did to keep the peace. I've been fixing some things around his place and asked for the money for the parts, he only gave me half saying I should pay the other half, so I stopped working on his house after that, he was shocked and dumbfounded and depressed that I demanded the full amount before doing any more, he is so used to being the ultimate authority it hurts. I've been friendly about it all and I'm staying here for free, so I don't mind helping out, he helps out at mine too. But I'm not paying for his repairs, he is stuck anyway he would have to pay someone else to do it.
It has really given me pause to think, I'm really improving without him a lot and this is causing anger, anger at the way he had me doubting my sanity, the way he implyed what a loser I was, the way I believed it, the way he had me jumping to please him, the way he is telling everyone we had to break up because of my mental issues. I've asked him not to do this but he said he is just being honest. 
Anyway I'm so glad the seperation is final and I'm just going to let people judge for themselves and get on with life.
I was so worried about this Christmas period with my t being on holidays, but I've been coping quite well 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
It's good to know that you have coped better than you thought you would over Christmas 
It sounds like you've been getting the chance to reflect on things - and process things.   Hope the remainder of your stay there goes ok.  Wishing you a safe journey back home, when the time comes.
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Good for you wattlebird!  I'm glad you are standing up for yourself.  Gaslighting can be so damaging and often we don't even realize it. 

Love ya and am proud of you! 

[sanmagic7]

isn't it amazing what we can realize once we're out from under that mental/emotional/psychological game-playing?  kudos to you, wb   .   well done!  i'm convinced that anyone who makes us doubt ourselves in a neg. way is not good for us.  what you wrote is confirming my belief.  i'm so glad for you that you are finding your way - to the surprise of both of you!  i think it's just great.

keep up the good for you.  sometimes we need to take a big step back to know what we've been dealing with.    for your separation.  sending love and a congratulatory hug to you, sweetie.   

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San hope and db, I'm feeling very uplifted by your comments and strengthened to continue standing up for myself for the first time in my entire life. 
Journal
Tomorrow is a big day for me, I'm spending it with some foo who are extremely triggering, why? I hear you ask, well I've been trying to deal with my fear of one person in particular, they suffer with mental illness so i feel guilty about the wall I put up between us. Like all that torture they put me through wasn't really their fault. Anyway I want to connect and see if my 20+ years of fearing them are still justified or if it's an ic fear that is no longer relevant, I can keep my distance if it doesn't work out but I really need to address my issues around this person as its interfering with my relationship with my d who has very similar behavioural symptoms which often trigger me into dissociation, part of me is like * man, think it's my teenage self, not fighting me on it but is freaked out all the same.
We can simply leave if it's too much, anyway I'm going to sleep in my vehicle as I doubt if I could sleep in the same house and I feel safer in my vehicle anyway, ow dear I just noticed I referred to myself as we, doing too much dissociation work haha

[Three Roses]

I like that you referred to yourself as "we". It's important to listen to all our parts when putting ourselves in situations that may be triggering. One part may be okay with staying, while another may want to leave. If we know which part is saying what, it's easier to know how to proceed. I can't be around my sibling, who also has some problems not his fault, like your situation; but he absolutely sends one of my parts into strong hypervigilance. It won't change, so I'm NC with him. Best wishes for your event!