Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

Yes 3r I was considering my parts reactions to the situation and I guess I was still in that mindset - I'm glad it more natural now but still seems wierd to me somehow 
Journal
Well I escaped to bed several hours early considering nye and all, but my inner parts couldn't take much more, just needed to spill some anxiety? Triggered emotion, fear,
I have no specific complaint or upset just being around them almost makes me twitch most of the day I've been on medium alert but tonight after some alcahol on their part I ended being quite triggered at the escalating behaviour so I went to bed. I felt a little guilty as the celebrations were for my bday as well, but I really needed to remove myself and had done so periodically all day taking walks swims etc which helped somewhat. I'm sure I will not be repeating this experiment but it is very interesting to be aware of my inner reactions, and watching different /same dynamics play out to watch all this after my past year in t, not having any contact in this time, I even got a bit teary at one stage which shocked me but shocked them more I think as I've never cried in there presence since I was about 12yrs old, I asked her to stop talking about a certain subject concerning my d as there was so much more to the story than she was ranting about I asked twice but the second time I became teary thankfully she apologised and changed the subject actually she didn't apologise at all she made an excuse at her behaviour which I equate with her being sorry. She suffers a lot of guilt I'm certain so needs to excuse her behaviour to offset that guilt a bit. I realised how totally unaware she is, I'm thinking she is a bit dissociative although she seems to remember a lot more of our childhood than I do, I mean she talked in detail about holidays that we had that I could not remember any details of except I know we went somehow, there were more than one example too some things as an adult. I mean it became obvious to me that there are big gaps in my memory that I didn't even realise we're there
anyway ranting on here has settled my nerves down a bit now so thank you for listening

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
I am listening, and I think you're doing really well to cope with things so just want to cheer you   
I also think you listened to your inner parts and protected them - when the time was right to withdraw from the situation.  That takes courage to do that, I think.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

I really needed to remove myself and had done so periodically all day taking walks swims etc

Good for you, way to go! 

[Wattlebird]

I happy to be home - I talked thru the visit with my ex he was disgusted by some of their attitudes and advise, I just ignored it, I'm really glad he can see that side of things better, he was concerned at my lack of emotion concerning my m's terminal condition, he told me he expects she will die soon, (I think he thinks I'm in denial) but I understand and don't think she will make it to 2020, he was relieved when I told him this, he is worried about my emotional response to this news but I have none at the moment, I'm compassionate and sympathetic when I see her but so far I really don't feel anything. Depersonalisation I think, she is quite toxic, bpd is my guess since its rampant in my foo, cousins on her side as well as other mental illnesses.
At Christmas the the better coping members of my extended fam where all there they were all recognising the psychological problems and trying to stop the generational problems with therapy etc it was very encouraging to hear about the steps they were taking to help their adult children learn new coping skills, this last get together was with less aware members of foo, it was really helpful in giving me a clear picture of the toxicity and confirmed that I should stay low contact.
4 more days and I'll be back in my own house can't wait, my ex h, keeps making advances toward me, he accepts my decline but it's still annoying me, he previously asked if it annoyed me and I said no as long as u don't care when I say no, but I think I may need to tell him enough already. It's messing with our heads, we are seperated and need to stop playing married games.
Ok I better get back to my cleaning (in between tenants)

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're ready to set some needed boundaries with your ex.  good for you, sweetie.  sometimes we just have to take the hard line, as much for ourselves as for others. 

i'm glad for you that you'll be home soon.  quite the experiment, but it looks like you have results you can deal with.  love and hugs, wb.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San yes I think some boundaries is a wise idea, I'm glad I did the experiment but won't be repeating it any time soon, if at all.
Journal
I had an ok day cleaning, mowing, greeting  new tenants for the weekend and some beach time and a little troubleshooting with my on going project at ex's place. These are the last tenants so that's a relief.
Talked with d1 today she is sick with a horrid cold, saw my s as well, chatted with an old school friend I've stayed in contact with.
Anyway nothing major happening today, just feel a bit like I'm in limbo waiting for my house back, I'm not going to lease it anymore I need my space, I'll just need to work more to make ends meet, with the cost of my t and d2s therapy my income is just about gone, though shouldn't complain I'm just grateful I can afford 2 lots of t, sort of anyway.

[Wattlebird]

journal
Something that annoyed me today, my m keeps telling me in a round about way I'm depressed and sad and devestated at my seperation, when I keep telling her I feel great am coping better than ever and just feel relieved. She wrote a post today, to my d struggling with depression etc etc  Is she gaslighting or just projecting, I'm so sick of people telling me what I'm feeling, no wonder I struggle to understand my emotions when no one listens to what you tell them. She told me the other day I was the only one who really loved her, I thought don't be so sure of that, I know she is adored by the grandkids, she was abused growing up and thus is quite unbalanced but try's hard to be loved, I have compassion for her, but I feel no fear at her terminal illness. Anyway off track, I never really thought about her telling me what I do feel and don't, I only realised my ex did it, so I was telling my ex about it and he said my f does it too, when? And he said how he (my f) talked to me about how he thinks it's great and all, that my ex and I don't bag each other out, he said he hasn't heard a bad word about him or me from either of us and that's great, my ex said " he always tells you to keep the peace "  I realised he was right    it messes with your head, but I didn't keep the peace for his sake, it's like they tell me conflicting ways to behave my m keeps telling my ex is ripping me off he is hiding money fight him on the inheritence coming his way etc etc when my f is saying keep the peace, I'm doing what I want for a change ok that's my rant for the day

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
I'm glad that you're doing what you want - despite hearing all those contrasting viewpoints from your parents - good for you!  It's your life - you know your feelings - and you're making your decisions and choices.  Go you!   
Sending you a hug too - 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Hope for the support and encouragement.
Journal
I'm here in my own place yay, I feel like running around and cheering 
I'm just so thankful to be here at last.
Now for all the unpacking, thankfully all the tenants have looked after the place really well, no damage, all spotlessly clean, what a relief I don't have to clean as well. Anyway back to unpacking 

[Jdog]

Yippee!!  Welcome home, Wattlebird!

[Sceal]

  So glad that you got your place back and that it is all in order, and clean!
I hope you'll have great enjoyment moving back in, organising things to your liking.

[Deep Blue]

Congrats on that feeling of freedom wattlebird! Use the energy of it to help you unpack 
Love ya!

[Wattlebird]

Thanks everyone, I'm settling back in and loving it.
I've got this dam head cold now, how is it spreading through the forum
And I think an ear infection, aching and tired, I must have got it from San or db. 
So I'm off to bed to sleep it off (my solution to most problems I encounter)

[Deep Blue]

Ha ha! Sorry to pass the germs to you friend.  I'm headed to the doc today and had to take a sick day off work.

Much love 💙

[Hope67]

Oh no, you have a bad cold too - and an ear infection - I am so sorry to hear that Wattlebird, and wishing you feel better soon.  Glad you're enjoying your home - now your back there.  Hope you enjoy a good sleep and wake feeling refreshed and a bit better.
Hope