Wattlebirds journal

[Deep Blue]

Yes that makes sense to me.  I would be concerned that something is trying to bubble to the surface if those images were popping up for me.  I'm glad it doesn't derail you emotionally though. I'm also glad your T is back and you were still able to make progress during their absence

[Wattlebird]

Thanks db, and behealthy
Yes they don't derail me emotionally but intellectually they concern me. Sorry I didn't really explain clearly.

[Wattlebird]

Fairly off balance today, didn't sleep much last night and was very tired all day, got a couple of things done but not much at all, Had 2 big triggers which basically derailed the whole day, I wasn't going to journal but now it is 2am and I'm still awake, again.
Last night I was reading my dissociation book and working thru the chpt on trauma memories and triggers, it's a hard chapter and stirred up a teen part of me, and I was able to get a much clearer understanding  of this "part",  So I feel posative about that. But it's probably what derailed me today, with the lack of sleep and t session yesterday, which was somewhat focused on that time in my life. Anyway I better try to sleep

[Jdog]

Here's wishing some sleep for you!

[Libby183]

I am really with you on the subject of sleep. The less sleep, the worse I feel. Same for a lot of us, I expect. Hope sleeping improves for you soon.

All the best.

Libby.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Libby and jdog, once I got to sleep sometime after 4am I slept well into the day, but woke to a series of messages from d1 she has broken up with her bf of 3yrs and is devestated, I'm going to go visit tomorrow, she still has pneumonia and is getting more results tomorrow to see why antibiotics aren't working on it. She is going to her course tomorrow which she refuses to miss, it was very hard to get into, they pick 30 people each year out of 5000 applicants, and she is so happy and excited to be in she doesn't want to miss a single day, I'm glad she has found something she is passionate about, but really she needs her rest atm. So I'm going to go and mother her for a while, after meeting up with my m along the way.
After she couldn't get on to me she rang my ex, her step father since she was a toddler, she said he was really good and empathetic, which is unusual enough for her to be pleasantly surprised by, I was actually pretty surprised she rang him at all, but glad he was so supportive.

[Wattlebird]

So the last 3 nights I've been awake till past 4am, I am so tired all day and night arrives and boom I'm wide awake, today I caved and had a daytime sleep, but something wierd is going on, some parts are becoming very active at night all of a sudden, I usually oversleep not under, I've got a letter I wrote last night by one of my parts, I'm reluctant to read it although I know it's about my inner experiences and emotional reactions or lack there of. I'm not going to read it tonight as I don't want to activate that part again, I need sleep badly.
Sweet dreams everyone

[Libby183]

Thinking of you, Wattlebird. I am suffering from severe lack of sleep. No sleep at all last night. So tired.
I hope you find something to break this cycle.

Take care.

Libby.

[Sceal]

I hope you will find your sleep tonight, dear wattlebird.
It's so awful when sleep avoids one

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird, I also hope that you get some good quality sleep tonight.  Wishing you rest and a peaceful night.   
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Last night I finally got a good nights sleep, and I am so thankful.
Thank you for my good wishes for better sleep, I'm grateful to have the support I get here, it helps more than I can express.
One of the exercises in the dissociation book was to describe an emotion in detail, how it feels physically etc etc. I stared at the question for ages and couldn't describe a single emotion, so for the last 3 days I've been focusing on identifying emotions and examining them. I went shopping with my m and I was then going to go see my d's, while at the shops I noticed how anxious I was and was focusing on that trying to stay with it etc etc and noticed my cigerettes craving sky rocked while anxious, I couldn't smoke where I was so decided to try something different, I told my m I felt anxious, her reply was it must be something you ate,  um I said I feel anxious not sick, she looked at me and changed the subject, then I noticed the rest of the day I had a heavy sadness in my gut like a bag of sand sitting in there, I couldn't work out the cause until last night 2 days later, when I went thru the day moment by moment as the sadness has stayed on and off since then, I'm pretty sure the above exchange is what triggered the sadness.
Sometimes I feel so rediculous, I feel like this is obvious but it still takes 2 days of self examination to work out my m's response hurt my feelings, but I really should be focusing on congratulating my self on my progress.
In other news I spent a few days in the city with my d's, they are both doing much better, we enjoyed the time, I'm home now.

[Wattlebird]

Back again
I just had a "moment of realisation ", I've been quite upset at my inability or incompetence at my inability to complete the project up at my exs, I've felt a bit of a failure, I don't mean in respect to disappointing my ex but in the fact that I couldn't work out what I was doing wrong. But the specialist contacted my while I was away to clarify some details and after the conversation offered me work if I wanted it, I thanked him etc, but it just hit me that this specialist was impressed with what I'd done, he has said this before but I assumed he was just being nice, but he wouldn't offer me work if he was just being nice.
Wow I have a warm glow hmm now I gotta work out what that is pride I guess 

[Three Roses]

  indeed! Way to go! ❤️

[Wattlebird]

Thanks 3r 
Journal
Reading through everyone's posts today really was a strange experience, I'm not sure how to describe it, it seemed to evoke thoughts and memories and emotions in a new way It was as if parts of me were showing me things, last night a young part of me showed myself curled up covering my head and being beaten, I've seen this once before, I have no memories of ever being hit but I know I was, my m has told us she "belted the crap out of us" we have photos of my sister with a black eye at 4yrs my m admits she did it, but excuses it somehow.
The posts evoked similar thoughts / memories and each one I read bought something new.
It's strange I think that my m can't see the problems she has caused to our mental health or maybe she can't admit it to herself (my exs theory) she says how she didn't touch my sisters for months after they were born, my older because she was premi and she was scared, the younger because she was female and she didn't want another girl. She says I got all the love, imagine telling your daughter I didn't want you so I ignored u, I was angry u were female, no wonder she is so messed up.
she freely admits to many disturbing behaviours but always has an excuse to mitigate her behaviour. She I am quite convinced is BPD, as is her only sibling, who is also bipolar, I can clearly see my m's self hatred and so don't think she is narc.
I'll stop for now, maybe continue later.

[Deep Blue]

In my experience that's what abusers do.  Excusing their behavior is second nature to them.  I've yet to see one of my abusers take ANY responsibility for wrong doing.

Sending you some love