Wattlebirds journal

[Three Roses]

 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks 3r and jdog
journal
I got some backlash today, I'm a bit disappointed at how soon I fell into guilt and shame, I have been struggling with it for the rest of the day, this is so typical, even when I logically know I've done the right thing someone (my ex) always questions my motives and reasoning until I'm questioning them myself     

[Three Roses]

You did the right thing. It's your friend, not his. IMO he doesn't get to have any input as it doesn't involve him. Tell him to take a hike. 

[Jdog]

I feel the same as 3R.  None of his beeswax.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks jdog and 3r
I think his response (and mine to him) has helped me see how much he has messed with my mind /emotions, I thought I was prepared for his response and in some ways I was but the emotional down swing has knocked me hard, I think it's more to do with the confirmation of his character, which I have excused for far too long, his major concern was I broke his trust by repeating what he had told me causing a fall out with said cheater, he couldn't comprehend my reasoning. He thinks I did it to cause him grief, because his little world revolves around him and his followers.
His characteristic narc type response, after I had just watched a utube on covert narcs was a slap in the face, and a wake up call. Causing me to revisit all our marital problems from this perspective, I have blamed myself for so much and I am having a lot of inner conflict over the whole theme of my cptsd and his ? Personality issues.

[Sceal]

I think it is good that you are in a place where you can observe these things in him, and realize that it's his table not yours.
Not saying it's not difficult and hard to put aside everything and put a line in the sand. But it's a good thing that you're seeing more clearly now, I think.

[Wattlebird]

I absolutely agree sceal you put into words what I was feeling.
Journal
Had a session with my t today, I finally got around to asking her what she thought of me (clinically ) I've been struggling a lot to ask this of her because of my fear of what she thinks of me haha,  so today I found the courage and asked though specified clinically not personally.
She rambled a bit about not liking labels and specific diagnosis, but said my trauma was severe (and other stuff) I've struggled so much with this (seeing my trauma as bad or severe) but I wanted her assessment to validate my increasing awareness of the severity of it. I was worried I was becoming a drama queen, wallowing in past hurts that really weren't that bad.
But she pointed out my intense struggle with emotions and daily life as evidence of the severity, so I am feeling better about things like the amount of time I spend on my recovery.

[Blueberry]

Had a session with my t today, I finally got around to asking her what she thought of me (clinically ) ... But she pointed out my intense struggle with emotions and daily life as evidence of the severity, so I am feeling better about things like the amount of time I spend on my recovery.

I can understand your worries because I have similar ones. This response from your T sounds very validating! I'm glad for you that she gave it.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks behealthy
It was hard, but she needed to know and I think it was good for me to choose to do what's right, despite the backlash.
Thank u for the encouragement, everyone has supported my decision except my ex, so that has helped me to see thru his gaslighting and guilt tripping.
Hi blueberry
Thanks for the encouragement, it was the hardest thing I've done in therapy, and seems so straight forward and simple, but I struggled with it for months, such a relief to get it done.

[Wattlebird]

Journal
I've been doing some paintings about my parts and how they feel, it's helped me understand myself a bit better. Last night I was reflecting on my art, and how erratic it's always been, I remember teachers at school talking to me about the inconsistency of my work, ranging from top of the year to bottom, I really didn't understand it myself and it was explained to me that I was lazy on more than one occasion. I think seeing the quality of my work these last few days has made it clear to me the quality of my work depends on how dissociated I am, when I put my emotions into my work the quality improves a lot, funny how I've never realised this before. But it's a posative realisation 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
I think it's great that you've been able to do some paintings about your parts, and that it's helped you to understand yourself a bit better.     Your realization that you can improve the quality of your work by putting your emotions into it - that's really a positive realisation.   
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks hope and behealthy.
Journal
I have been feeling quite anxious today, last night I was reading my dissociation book and doing some exercises on expanding my tolerance levels of emotional experience, my tolerance for emotion is very narrow. Anyway i decided to try to look at a particular part of myself that is very traumatised a part I've basically ignored up until then, I didn't feel as though I reached her but woke to my ceiling fan off and door closed, I always sleep with the fan on and door open so I was a bit confused, I have been anxious and in a dream like state all day for no real reason. I think I did awake that part in some way and have been fairly dissociated since. The day has gone by very quickly. I've got a lot done today but hardly remember doing anything. It's a bit disconcerting, I'm going to reach out again tonight and continue trying to feel a bit of the emotion there if I can.
I reread some of my early posts last night as well, trying to elicit some emotional response, i didn't get a response except surprise at how much I've learnt and how different I was, I was in a much worse place back then, so that was encouraging to see how I've grown and healed over the last year.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks behealthy, yes it's a good feeling to realise how far I've come over the last year, I will spend time with it.
Journal
My d2 started dbt group therapy and it sounds very posative so far. I'm feeling relieved that she is really taking it onboard, I'm proud of her, she has had significant trauma and that she is willing to address it at her age is encouraging.
My motivation is showing itself this week, I've got so much stuff to unpack and sort thru that it's been a bit daunting, but I made a decision to spend some time on it every day even if it's only 10minutes, and I usually spend a few hours sorting, I've started cooking for myself more as well, I have almost got all my things from my exs place, it's astonishing how much I've accumulated over the years, why am i such a hoarder?
Anyway a good few days is nice for a change.

[Wattlebird]

Journal
Well I'm signing divorce papers tomorrow, I really am surprisingly ok with it. It will be good to have it all finalised.

[Three Roses]

 A big of support to you, Wattlebird.