Wattlebirds journal

[Three Roses]

Hi - it really was wrong for your m to leave you in such a precarious situation. I agree with you that forgiveness can come when you're able to give it - if ever.

Regarding the dog food situation, I would just tell him I was unable to afford it currently but maybe in the future I could donate something. He has the dogs so they are his responsibility, imo.

Big safe of continued support to you. ❤️

[sanmagic7]

wb, i echo what everyone else said about your mother.  there are several things in my life i find unforgiveable, and i have ended up handing them over to the universe to do with as is necessary.  it's out of my hands, and i don't think about it anymore.  those people will be taken care of, and i don't have to harbor neg. feelings about it in any way that hurts me.

i'm not surprised you're feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.  divorce, no matter if you wanted it, is messy emotionally.  it's an ending as well as a beginning.  i'm glad your session went well.  i like the other suggestions about the dog food, too.

love and hugs, sweetie. 

[Wattlebird]

Thank you so much everyone, you are all so good to me, thanks.
Journal
I've been quite dissociated this last week, really in a world of my own, but I feel a fair bit better today, I went and had a swim in the ocean to ground me a bit, so that was helpful.
I'm not really sure what is setting me off but I thought I'd write for a while and see what spills out, I had therapy Thursday and had an anxiety attack although my therapist was quite quick in calming me and keeping me grounded but I don't think that is it, I was feeling this way all week, I've been working hard to feel emotional pain and keep getting just 2 second bursts and it then dissolves, I feel as though this dissociation is almost a reflex defence against feeling pain.
It makes me feel so defective, who can't feel emotional pain? and my inner critic keeps asking why on earth are you working so hard to actually feel all that pain ? your insane
I have to keep reciting all my reasons to remember why I'm doing all this.
Anyway I think I understand and I'm getting a little spacy now so I guess so,
Might come back later

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Good to hear you're feeling a fair bit better today - and your swim in the ocean sounds really good.  I do relate to what you're saying about not being able to feel emotional pain - I have been thinking about this over the past few days - and feel like my system doesn't process things very well - even to the extent of not feeling temperature etc.  Anyway, I just wanted to say I relate to what you said - and sending you a hug.     I have just ordered the book on Dissociation that you have - i.e. the 'Coping with' one - as I think I might benefit from it.  I'll write more in my own Journal - as I don't want to use up space in yours, but I am so grateful to you for being here and working through those books - as it's meant a lot to compare experiences.  Thank you.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks hope you can write as much as u want, I have been having a break from my dissociation books lately as I started freaking out about DID, so I read Pete walkers "complex PTSD " and then started on "the Tao of fully feeling " but his Tao book keeps making me dissociate, too much talk about emotions but that's why I got it, so I'm going slowly.
Also when I was reading the complex cptsd book I identified my ex a fight-fawn type, this really put our relationship in a different light for me, his narc behaviour always contrasted so much with his good deeds that it left my head spinning, but I've come to understand that a fair bit better now, I started learning about narcs and think he may be quite bad as in sociopath level. Anyway it's making me more grateful to be away. I'm just a bit disgusted with the way I always blamed myself for our issues.

[Wattlebird]

I worked today, 1st day in about a month, so I was more aware of how anxious I was, it was quite a good learning experience actually.
My ex came around my house this morning to give me a simple message, which could easily have been texted. He told me the message, attempted a bit of conversation and left as I didn't invite him in.
When I went inside pondering this odd behaviour, I realised it is his birthday.
I wonder what he expected?
For someone who claims he doesn't want to interact with me, he sure finds enough reasons to interact.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird
Sending you a hug    I do wonder what your ex was hoping for, when he came to see you on his Birthday.  Well done for handling things, and I hope you're ok.  Glad that you found Pete Walker's books helpful - it's a while since I've looked at mine.  Sounds like you've learned some useful things when you identified your ex's type (fight-fawn). 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Hope
I appreciate it
Journal
I have therapy tomorrow and I'm feeling anxious about it, so I thought I'd write about it.
I'm anxious about a full emotional melt down, I've been feeling the pain more and more each week and I'm terrified of breaking down completely - I do realise this is probably inevitable and enormously beneficial but doesn't mean I'm not terrified of it all the same.

[Wattlebird]

I've been taking a break from introspection and therapy type stuff this week, and I've been feeling better, a lot less anxiety, I've been doing a little project at home and I am quite pleased with the results. I was reflecting on why I have been so satisfied with this project and why I feel differently about it to others I've done and I think it's because I'm doing this because I want it, not for someone else telling me what to do.  I have no husband telling me what I'm doing wrong or telling me it's a stupid idea, I have been self motivated, and the lack of criticism has made a tonne of difference to my work. No anxiety!!
It's been wonderful actually, 

[Blueberry]

 

[Three Roses]

I have no husband telling me what I'm doing wrong or telling me it's a stupid idea, I have been self motivated, and the lack of criticism has made a tonne of difference to my work. No anxiety!!

[Not Alone]

 

[Wattlebird]

Thank u

My ex came around today and told me that he has a girlfriend and has had for about 6 weeks.
we only broke upon December - so much for his broken heart he kept crying about, this has hurt me more than the divorce, what an *, I was meant to go away for the weekend visiting friends but all I want to do is curl up and mourne - i can't believe how devestated I am, I wasn't this upset at our seperation maybe it's all just hitting me now, I'm so angry and can't stop crying, I can't go away like this, but my two daughters want me to go see them as they can't get to me and their pretty shattered as well.
Ow yeah and she's pregnant but apparently not his. Ffs he wants the kids to meet her they are dumbstruck.
I have been trying to sleep, I let the tears flow until I started vomiting so I had to get this out and write about it.

[Three Roses]

 . 

[Not Alone]

So much pain.