Wattlebirds journal

[sanmagic7]

sending love and hugs filled with compassion, support, and caring.  hang tough, sweetie, ok?  hangin' right beside you.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San I'm hanging tough, The thoughts are more annoying than tempting - just my brain trying to escape reality I guess, you take care too

[Wattlebird]

Wow I'm very tired, this memory I'm talking to the t about tomorrow is wreaking havoc with my head, I keep trying to rehearse what I'm going to say in my head but don't get very far. I often feel like I want to vomit and get all this poison out of me, I don't, I just want it out and gone. I hope I don't back down, I'm going to at least ask her how to deal with it even if I can't talk about it just yet. Yes I'm going to stay strong about that, don't pressure myself, and see what happens.

[sanmagic7]

sending lots of support for this undertaking, wb.  all my best to you that you can get some pos. results.   love and hugs.

[Wattlebird]

Well that was horrific. I did it, now I need a good long sleep and some self care, good night

[Wattlebird]

I had a sleep, I'm not sure how to express myself all these emotions running around me. They are always so detached and now I feel like I'm swimming in them no drowning.
I guess that is a good thing but I don't feel very grateful. I definitely don't feel as anxious but there is a lot of pain, a lot of grief and a lot of anger also a feeling of bewilderment. I'm trying to sit with them for a bit before reaching for an escape.

[Andyman73]

Hi WB,

Hope you are feeling better from the other day. I really should try that CBD oils too...I knnow it would do me wonders.

Birdie in the house huh? That's always a bit of fun, eh?

[Wattlebird]

Yes andyman the CBD oil is great reduces my anxiety significantly and helps me sleep better
I feel a lot better today 👍

[Wattlebird]

A better day all round today, still raw emotions but not in a turmoil anymore, I'm a bit scared these emotions won't go away , I've had enough already, operating with very few emotions has its benefits, but of course that's why I'm doin this therapy lol what a mess

[Wattlebird]

I'm really starting to freak out a bit too much emotion needing to escape bad

[Wattlebird]

I am feeling much better, connected with a friend and got a massage off hubby, it's so difficult for me to tell people I am not coping but I am glad I did today.

[sanmagic7]

oooooh, a massage.  dang, i'm looking forward to the day when i can afford to get one.  so very happy for you.

sounds like you made it thru that emotional upheaval all right.  well done.  here's to moving forward.  love and hugs.

[Wattlebird]

All I want to do is escape, I'm sitting in my car outside the place where I can renew my old addiction it's almost been 9 mths since I was here last, well actually I was sitting here yesterday but didn't go in, it's a long drive from home so a bit out of the way, no yes no
There is a whole load of swearing going on in my head

[Wattlebird]

Well that went badly 
Didn't quite resist so Back to day 1
I need better coping skills, I need to be brave enough to ask for help,
This sux but I'm back on the wagon and I'm going to keep fighting. I spoke to a friend and worked out an accountability plan for the rest of the week till my next appointment with the t.
So maybe I should have done that earlier, you live, you learn.

[sanmagic7]

wb, i'm in recovery for 16 yrs., have also been an addictions counselor, so if you ever need to spew, ask for help, ask a question, please pm me.  i know what it's like to go thru what you have gone thru.  i want to give you all the support i can, if you'll allow it.

hang tough - i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to go.  we're all here for you.