Wattlebirds journal

[Jdog]

You have every right to celebrate!  Hooray for doing just what you want on your own terms and not having to face nit picking criticism at every turn!!   

[Libby183]

Hoping very much that things are continuing to improve for you. So pleased that you got things sorted with the police. That must have been scary.

I relate completely to your need for sleep. I was only getting about two hours sleep, night after night since this all happened. I begged the GP for medication to no avail. I have never found anti-depressants to be of much use, but I was prescribed quetiapine in hospital and find that I sleep for about seven hours, and it stabilises my mood somewhat. Not suggesting that this is necessarily for you, but I am surprised how much it has helped me.

So pleased to hear that you feel you are through the worst of it. I think I am as well. Hoping we can both stay strong, and that things continue to get better.

Take care.

Libby

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Libby and jdog I appreciate the support especially at the moment.
Journal
I have written a letter to my exs new partner and posted it in letters of recovery, I'm not sure if I will send it but it was helpful to write anyway.
I got 5 hrs sleep today which was fantastic, I felt much better.
I stupidly rang my m and told her about my weekend and the hospitalisation, police etc and that my exs confession of betrayal, I was crying and really anxious which she picked up on, she started saying how she didn't know why I was upset and I snapped at her, hung up and sent an abusive text telling her off for the trauma she inflicted on me. She never rang back or texted or anything, I have NEVER told my m off in my entire life, I was far too scared of her, so I'm not sure how she will take it.
I'm upset she in unconcerned at my well being but really should have known better,
It's seems I have lost my careful self control,
My ex has gone to the city to introduce his new women to the kids, my s and d1 refused to meet her but d2 went as he was going to give her money to pay for her therapy, and that's the only way he would give it to her, I told her to go.
She said it was totally awkward.
What a mess

[Blueberry]

I've just realised the truth of something that making me feel a bit better and wanted to note it.
I am utterly traumatised, I'm not crazy !
I am traumatised, they told me this at the hospital but it only just hit me, when I realised this fully, I gave myself some forgiveness for my extreme behaviour over the last few days.

on ability to give yourself some forgiveness!

[Blueberry]

Well the last few days have been crapola (as San would say) I think I've finally lost the plot, been acting out something fierce, ended up in hospital with the mental health team

That happened to me too. I continued to act out at the hospital as well. Neither of us are crazy. We're both traumatised.

Part of my 'acting out' before I went to the hospital was to finally tell M what I thought of her after swallowing it down for years to keep the peace. So to you too I say    for telling your M off, even if on a normal day you wouldn't have done it.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks blueberry for telling me you did something similar, and the encouragement, I have to remember it's trauma.
Trigger warning SI
I've got a t session today, think I'll go to the doctors as well while I'm in town, I am not coping at all, if I didn't have my 3 wonderful children, I would not keep trying to live each day.  But I need to for their sake.
End of trigger
Just had another full night of no sleep, my parents tryed to come see me yesterday , I asked them not to, they live a couple of hrs away, but they came anyway, so when they told me they were coming anyway, I left the house until night when I was sure they would be gone. Thankfully they were gone when I went home.
I hope the doctor give me something or I think I'll have to go back to the hospital. 

[Blueberry]

Oh no! I'm so sorry your parents didn't respect your boundary. That's horrible.

[Not Alone]

So sorry for the intense struggles you are going through. 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Sorry to hear that your parents didn't respect your boundary.  I hope that your doctor's appointment has gone ok, and sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks everyone
I'm doing slightly better, I now have emotions overflowing all over the place, it's really difficult to handle and control, I'm not used to it at all and I hate it.
I've had so much pain and anger I feel as though I'm losing my mind.
My kids are being pretty supportive and I'm so grateful, the small town where I live is alive with the gossip of my ex running off with this chick - buying a local business together and tripping overseas she's pregnant as well. The divorce isn't even finalised and I've been crushed by all this happening over the last 2 weeks, apparently lots of people where in the know but not me.
I'm using all my self control not to do serious harm, it's bought to the surface old abandonment and betrayal traumas which were never dealt with as well as this new trauma.
I haven't even had words to express this stuff, i still am so dumbfounded that 20yrs of marriage was so quickly and callously dumped for some young bimbo with a young family.
I know I sound bitter and angry and I am. Very much so .

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear Wattlebird,  to you, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Blueberry]

  to you dear Wattlebird

[Three Roses]

Wattlebird - my heart truly breaks for you! That abandonment lurking under the surface, ready to reveal itself at a moment's notice, is so harsh and difficult to walk thru. I have to say I'd probably feel just as you do, bitter and angry.

We are here, accepting your feelings just as they are at this moment, hoping for your happiness and healing.

[Deep Blue]

Hey wattlebird,
I feel like I can't adequately give you the supportive words you need right now.  No words seem good enough. I guess I just want you to know that I'm rooting for you and that I want only good things for you.

Sending some understanding and deep breaths to you 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
So much to have gone through - and I know whatever words of support I try to offer you - they won't do justice to what you need - but sending you a heart-felt hug 
Hope