Wattlebirds journal

[SharpAndBlunt]

Sounds fantastic wattlebird 

[Wattlebird]

Home again, as it started raining, and forecast more.
when I was camping I did find that I could tolerate my emotions for a far longer period than the usual couple of minutes.  I'm starting to feel as though I'm making progress in recovery instead of just trying to stay afloat.
Feeling posative is scary I feel as though I'm being set up for another blow.

[Blueberry]

when I was camping I did find that I could tolerate my emotions for a far longer period than the usual couple of minutes.  I'm starting to feel as though I'm making progress in recovery instead of just trying to stay afloat.

  I hope that's not too positive I know about positive feeling scary though too.

It's a shame it rained because your plans sounded wonderful! Hope it works out another time.

[woodsgnome]

Wattlebird said:

"Feeling positive is scary I feel as though I'm being set up for another blow."

I know that feeling as well, with my inner critic suggesting that I "might as well expect the worst, it's always gone that way." When it didn't, I still didn't alter the false expectation, because it was so normal and 'baked in' by the time I realized any different.

Still working on this; it's very entrenched; sounds like it's so for you as well. My main realization is just that hey, I'm no longer around the harmful people or places of yore, but this absorption of the 'gotta get outta here' feeling hangs on like a deep physical wound would.

As you realize this, too -- it's an important step one. It took me years to do the same, so now at least I have that option of remembering that oh yeah, I really am in a different place now.

Here's hoping you can keep on knowing that the inner warning lights are leftovers from the old days, and your new journey features an opening in the darkness; and it feels good.   

[Wattlebird]

Thanks blueberry, I'm planning to go each week for 3 or 4 days, as where I'm living is pretty toxic at the moment, I'm moving as soon as I can sell the house.
Thanks woodsgnome I appreciate your input, yes my inner critic is harassing me a lot. Something to consider, thanks.
Seeing my therapist tomorrow, gets me anxious every week but I look forward to it as well.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
I hope your session goes ok tomorrow with your T. 

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks hope it went well.
I've had a busy week, visited my mum which was ok, had my son come to visit, I went to the local beach for the first time in weeks, I think I've got my sleep cycles back to normal, hopefully.
I struggle a lot with normal day night sleep, the more anxious I get the more likely I'll slip to day sleep night awake.
I'm pretty sure this comes from extreme social anxiety - I become uncontactable even if someone knocks on my door I don't hear them.
So that's my goal this week, sleep nights I don't need to leave the house except for therapy - I feel like I'm rambling
Ok hope you are all well
Wb

[sanmagic7]

good luck w/ getting your sleep times back in order.  i can relate.  it's getting better as i make progress, so hopefully yours will as well.

i'm glad you were able to go camping if only for a little while.  that midnite swim sounded wonderful!

keep going!  i think you're doing great!  sending love and a hug full of nighttime sleep!   

[Jazzy]

So glad you're improving Wattlebird! All the best with the sleep cycles, that can be really difficult. Take care!

[Three Roses]

Hi Wattlebird!


I didn't hear any rambling, just a beloved forum member who needed to be listened to.   

[Wattlebird]

Thanks everyone I appreciate the encouraging,
My sleep cycle is going well, thankfully.
I've got therapy today, which I think will be hard, I've got some emotional baggage from my visit to my parents, plus a recurring dream I've had since childhood, that I mentioned in passing last week and my therapist mentioned a possible interpretation, I didn't think much about it until I dreamt it again last night and realised she was right, during the dream I realised what was going on. It's a strange sensation working out a dream after dreaming it for 30+ years.
Well I'm pretty anxious now but I'm going to b brave 
Wb

[Jazzy]

Glad to hear that your sleep cycle is doing well, and you figured out your dream. I hope your T session goes well and helps with that baggage. Take care!: )

[Hope67]

It's a strange sensation working out a dream after dreaming it for 30+ years.

  This is great to hear you've experienced this realisation. 
to you Wb
Hope 

[Sceal]

You are brave every day

[Wattlebird]

Hi all
I've been away visiting my sister1, she is the only family member that I feel at ease around, as she acknowledges the family's disfunction and the affects it has had.  I don't see her that often as she lives 12hrs drive away.
My therapist has been away on holidays and whenever she goes away I seem to fall into a hole, the last two times she was away I ended up in hospital, so we planned the visit to co- inside with her absence to help me. I still found myself badly triggered when I came home, though came thru it without any distructive behaviour,
I pretty embarrassed that I don't cope with her holidaying, why am I so dependant on her.  I'm severely triggered by abandonment but I know she isn't abandoning me she is just holidaying - I hate that I'm so fragile,
I'm afraid I'm setting myself off again. Starting to think destructively -
So I'm going to go do some art work and calm myself down, I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow that will help I hope. Although once when she cancelled an appointment because she was sick I yelled at her during the next meeting, omg I am humiliated at the meer thought of it. It's the only time I've ever lost my temper at her.
 
Well off to do some calming down
Wb