Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

Quite agitated today, it's like anger bubbling below the surface. I really am starting to rethink this therapy, everything is making me angry today, I can't cope with these feelings, I'm afraid of them, very much afraid of them, so when I start to reconnect with my emotions, it causes this fear response and the desire to escape from these feelings asap hence the addiction cravings, the self medicating, and dissociating - 

[Wattlebird]

I have work today, I don't often work maybe 1/2 a day a fortnight but when I do it's always full of anxiety, i really didn't sleep well knowing I had work, I am always tempted to get stoned and go to work to deal with the anxiety but I rarely do this as it is a dangerous job already my therapist is onto me as well she's concerned at my state of mind / levels of concentration and the work I do. My anxiety has nothing to do with danger though it's about having to perform and feeling inadequate, ok I better go, calm calm calm breath

[Wattlebird]

So I get to work all psyched up and I only had to do 1 thing as someone else hadn't finished there part so  I need to go back tomorrow, this is ok with me as I only had to work for 1/2 hr and I was done and I only have a couple of hrs to do tomorrow and I got a good look and it all seems straight forward
Hopefully I don't get so anxious tomorrow.

[Wattlebird]

Yesterday I was agitated, I had a long talk with my d the night before and I didn't realise how much it had upset me, mainly because this is the way I deal with emotions I bury them deep, my husband kept asking if I was ok, and I thought it thru, started to verbalise my worries about d while working hard on keeping those emotions buried, then realising what I was doing I let them surface. I was proud that I had become aware enough to see what was going on, I've been trying to be aware of this for months. Now my h is all stressed out thinking I'm falling into depression, as he only ever sees me cry when I'm in bad depression, I'm not in depression although I am upset about my d.
Sigh, every step forward always has some complication
I think I triggered him ow I have only just realised, aw well poor guy, I will talk to him about it, warn him it's likely to happen again and it a good thing
Sigh

[Wattlebird]

Anxious but not as bad as yesterday, I feel so useless that I can't even go to work for a couple of hrs without ending up a nervous wreck.
I better go 

[Wattlebird]

I'm still so anxious, work was painful, daughter is coming to visit tomorrow and I have a social event to go to tonight, really not that big a deal, but I feel like things are starting to pile up on top of me, I always feel so awkward at social events, I never know what to say to people and I feel like an intruder, I am always left by myself and just don't know what to do. But I am isolated with few friends and want to start building better relationships so I agreed to go as I'm rarely invited to anything.
I feel like I'm pretending that I belong there when I really don't, ow well I will make an effort even if I talk to a few people it's a positive

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
I hope you don't mind my popping into your Journal - but I just wanted to wish you the best with your social event - I also find them really challenging - and I think you've expressed a very positive attitude - i.e. you're going to make an effort and even if you talk to a few people it's a positive - definitely!  Hope it goes ok.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Hope
I don't mind, I appreciate it 

[Wattlebird]

Social event went ok I will score it a 5/10 so not too painful with plenty of conversations but definitely not comfortable. I see this as good as social events usually score about a 2 average I estimate.

[Hope67]

  That's great, Wattlebird.  Glad you coped ok, and you did really well. 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Hope

[Wattlebird]

Today started bad, I woke with a stiff neck and headache but ended up just fine, hubby gave me a massage and fixed my neck, my headache went away and now he's taking me out for dinner, I got some things done that have been on my to do list for far too long.
Got therapy tomorrow and my d visiting. I want to talk to my t about dealing with my d,
I sincerely hope my t can help

[Wattlebird]

I'm going to have an early night tonight, let this day be over.

[Wattlebird]

Trigger Warning SI
On second thoughts I should get some of these thoughts out of my head.
I am angry, frustrated and so entirely fed up with life, I'm only staying here for the benefit of my family (husband and kids not foo) my husbands mother suicided last year and it has really been devastating, I know I can't do that to them. So I feel trapped, I think my feelings are going to consume me and I imagine hurting  people constantly, so yes today's therapy was hard on me, and I spent the rest of the day trying to hold myself together because my daughters staying with me in the end I said I felt bad and was going to bed early, 4 hrs early! she understands and is out visiting friends,
Yeah so a big sleep sure sounds lovely about now, 

[sanmagic7]

i sincerely hope your sleep brings you not only some rest but some relief.  i'm very glad you have your family now to encourage you to stay with us.  i've had that same feeling several times in my life.  i'm glad i stuck around cuz things did get better as i kept moving forward.  i hope you find the same.

sending love and a hug full of compassion and empathy and strength.