Wattlebirds journal

[Blueberry]

Me too, I really hope your sleep helps to bring some relief.  Sometimes sleep does that for me, surprisingly enough. I've had those feelings you mention a number of times in my life, usually over long stretches. My fur babies kept me going mostly. In my case, I think these feelings were very long drawn-out EFs. My experience has been like san's: things did get better as I slowly crept forward.

Looking back to your post of the 30th, well, I'm sending  and wishing you some magic extra support from somewhere. Sounds really tough what you're dealing with.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San and blueberry,
Yes my big sleep did help me a lot, I don't feel so overwhelmed today.
Yes Blueberry I'm certain of the ef's there getting triggered all over the place. My t was really good actually she gave me hope while acknowledging just how hard it will be.
Thanks so much

[Wattlebird]

Today was a good day much more positive, my d and I did a communication exercise her t gave her and we both realised just how much we weren't communicating what we thought we were. So we are going to work on that.
I still feel very unstable and emotionally raw but not so doom and gloom

[Wattlebird]

Another day,
3 posative things today
1. Daughter & hubby hung out without conflict
2. I had a lovely walk & lunch with daughter & hubby
3. I Met with friends for dinner

Im feeling negative and depressed today so thought I would look at posative things that happened instead of always dwelling on the negative.
There are significant problems with my d and her father, My d is borderline and only just diagnosed recently. After learning about borderline we are all convinced her dad (hubby) has it as well, my t strongly suspects it as well.
So there relationship is somewhat rocky, it was so lovely to see them both just get along without triggering each other off, sad to say I was triggered on several occasions (sigh) so I suspect they were busy trying to keep me calm, this is so ironic it makes me laugh. I'm usually the emotionally flat one and they are the opposite. But digging around in my past with the t and having to deal with my d diagnosis has surfaced all this raw emotion and fear that's usually buried nice and deep, this I realise now is why I'm depressed now, I'm a bit disgusted at my behaviour today, I've been so worried about their behaviour towards each other and I cause all the problems this time .. sigh ..  I am quite grateful that they were civilised.
It was a lovely walk along the beach, I never usually walk with anyone but did today
I had time away from the terrible two and had dinner with some friends, i am learning to be myself more and more around these friends and making more of a conscious effort to open up a bit more, So things are heading in a posative direction we are all getting therapy and relationships are doing better, if you look at the big picture things are improving a lot, it's just the day to day set backs and struggles that keep dragging me down.

[Blueberry]

  on moving forward, looking at the big picture some of the time and all the positive things today (like walking on the beach). 

You know, I doubt that you "caused all the problems this time". Your raw emotion and fear surfaced at d diagnosis so maybe the diagnosis/mental illness of bpd could be said to be causing problems. And like a problem in a relationship between 2 or 3 people, it's not always useful to see who caused the problem, but how to move forward. You are moving forward with this, not just you personally but your whole family. You are all in therapy I read often enough on our sister website OOTF to know this is certainly not always the case.

It could also be "this time" that with d and h getting along, your buried emotions about the here-and-now saw their chance to come up. You are allowed them, please don't criticise yourself.

btw good self-care going for dinner with friends and getting away from d and h for a few hours 

[Deep Blue]

Hey wattlebird
I'm glad you were able to find some positive when the world has been throwing rotten tomatoes at you.  A night out with friends sounds like some good self care. 

It has been my experience that those with cptsd tend to take the blame for things that are not really their fault.  Their relationship is their own.  Try not to take the blame for it sweetie

[Wattlebird]

Thanks blueberry & deep blue
You know I automatically blamed myself for causing problems because I displayed emotions, you are both correct that is not the wrong thing to do.  Thank you for helping me see this it has boosted my self esteem which was dragging on the ground after yesterday.

[Wattlebird]

Today
My d went back home today, I feel guilty for being relieved she has gone, I really love her tremendously but I am so so triggered around her at the moment.
I really feel like life is nudging me in the back ( time to deal with those
traumas ) which I've managed to avoid over the last mths or so of therapy, my t last week said I should really consider looking at those memories as they are impacting my life so extensively at the moment so we are going to start with 5 mins at a time, Im scared, worried, I am very worried I will not cope afterwards, I didn't cope so well with other traumatic memories and these particular episodes are significantly worse in my mind, ok
5 minutes is not too bad and I need to start somewhere If I want to help my d and help myself so I'm going to do it

[Wattlebird]

Totally unmotivated today, I am sick if trying to motivate myself I just want to lie in bed and be miserable- there's things I should be doing but I'm going to give in today and allow myself to be miserable -

[Wattlebird]

I didnt end up in bed, I was feeling relieved at my choice to just do nothing, and I ended up doing quite a lot, I think I used reverse psychology on myself, anyway a fairly good day in the end. I am still going to bed very early again but at least I got out of bed and was active most of the day.
It was interesting to see my change in attitude once I allowed myself to be unmotivated I became far more motivated ... Something to consider

[Wattlebird]

I have a work van that has a bed fitted inside, this is my refuge when I need to get away from everyone I take my van turn off my phone and usually go and sleep somewhere no one knows where I am. I love doing this, my husband hates it but it's what I need to cope sometimes. Here I am now in my van, I haven't been here for a while i imagine it's like an old comforting friend

[Wattlebird]

Most mornings I feel this depression and/ or anxiety about the day ahead, some days I ignore it, some days I go back to bed, lots of days I take off in the car to try escape the feelings and go do chores as quickly as possible , some days I'm so anxious I have to hide out somewhere where no one knows where I am,
I've got a new plan for mornings, I am going to get up, have a cup of tea, journal and meditate, slow down.
As I am writing this my husband rang and asked a favour and I immediately walked out the front door to do it. I hadn't done anything of the meditation I am writing about lol so I rang him back and said I would be another 30 minutes,
And completed my journaling and I'm going to meditate bye

[Wattlebird]

I feel like a complete idiot tonight, I was meant to have done an important money transfer and haven't done it there's no way It will b done in time I was reminded several times as well, what is wrong with me argh my husband just walked out I'm sure in an attempt not to lose his temper in front of me argh 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Sometimes things just happen, regardless of our best intentions - I hope you'll be ok.  Hopefully you can sort this out.  Just wanted to send you a supportive hug if that's ok. 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Ok I feel better, talked with hubby he is being very understanding thank goodness, I still feel like an idiot though.