Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

I feel fairly depressed, but it isn't overwhelming, what I have noticed about this mistake I've made, I admitted to not knowing what happened instead of making up excuses, I apologised and expressed how I really felt about myself instead of hiding my self disgust, and hubby responsed not with yelling but with sympathy
I think our therapy must b paying off yay

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Hope I was very down on myself, thanks for the comfort xo

[Wattlebird]

Had therapy today, I'm really starting to be more open with my t, not so on guard, I don't feel so pressured to share stuff (not that she ever pressured me in any way) but I feel more comfortable.
Im not really in a good place at the moment but not overwhelmed, just wanting to disappear

[Blueberry]

what I have noticed about this mistake I've made, I admitted to not knowing what happened instead of making up excuses, I apologised and expressed how I really felt about myself instead of hiding my self disgust

Sounds like huge progress to me! 

I used not to be able to admit when I'd made a mistake. If you look back at what happened when I was growing up and made a mistake and/or admitted to it, no wonder. You may have something similar in your background too.

I'm so happy for you that your dh changed his behaviour to fit your new reaction.

For today after your T session, I'm sending safe gentle  if OK for you. Otherwise I'm sitting quietly with you.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks Blueberry, yes it's so easy to get dragged down by all the issues and fail to see the progress and I have made huge progress this year I just  have so much going on in my head it's hard to not get dragged down
But each day is different and tomorrow is a new day,  I don't really feel like woohoo but I love the little icon thingy so much I had to use it also it makes me smile 

[Blueberry]

 

It's the same for me with these

It's also similar for me with so much going on. There's never "just one" topic I'm working on in healing. Or even if I were, something else would come up or somebody else would put something in my path...

[Wattlebird]

Looks like I'm doing tremendously by all the cheering going on. Thanks blueberry.

[Wattlebird]

Yesterday my t said that my inner child was very angry, I was telling her about these continuing intrusive thoughts and feelings of anger with no real focus,
One problem I have is I feel these feelings but I don't know what it is I am feeling I am only just learning to recognise and name emotions really through being mindful of the context and  thoughts surrounding the emotions.
Spoke to my son who is os at the moment that was so nice, my other 2 daughters are planning on moving in together, well this will test them that's for sure, let's see how much they have matured in the last 3 years since they last lived together at home I'm sure I will be pleasantly surprised.

[Wattlebird]

Last night I wrote about a 10 year period of my life that I have barely spoken a word about to my t, I have given her a 1 or 2 min overview at most, so I want to start exploring dealing with this traumatic time, when I had finished writing an outline of events it had taken me 4 hours to write about 1 page but I was engaged with the task and thinking thru events that I have tryed hard to forget over the past 20 yrs, I think it's the first time I actually allowed myself to consciously think thru that time of my life and what it was like, I was fairly heavily self medicated for this task, which allowed me to think clearly without anxiety taking over. I am quite surprised at myself. I wasn't emotional but fairly detached but one step at a time I say. Now I wonder if I have the courage to show her this page, I haven't read it today I don't know about that
I think I'm going to stay in bed today just let myself be depressed maybe even read thru it later idk
Each time a therapist has tryed to deal with this part of my life things got very life threatening very quickly, but they did it after like 2 visits I've seen this t for most of this year weekly and she never ever pushes this issue and told me last week she would never bring it up that, that was up to me, I had told her how scared I was of her asking about it, now look at me writing about it.
Well this was a big big step for me - I'm so glad I have a decent therapist who is very aware of trauma and understands how very traumatised I am.

[Wattlebird]

So I was all ready to self medicate this day away and be depressed but just received an invite out for a meal with some friends which would be really nice so I'm doing that instead, sometimes life throws you a gift 

[Three Roses]

 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks three roses your name reflects my daughters name a lot it makes me smile.

[Wattlebird]

I am dreadful at keeping my morning schedule that I put in place for self care whenever I am anxious I skip the whole lot and no meditation no planning the day out, no breakfast etc, I put it in place for my anxiety but it's like I can't be nice to myself when I need it most, needless to say this lack of self care and planning causes a backlash of other problems creating more anxiety
Writing it out really highlights the self destructive nature of this "habit" it's a bit scary really, do I really treat myself with this level of contempt, well I'm going to focus on improving this area for a while,  that should help a lot if I can keep that morning routine
I think I should get a diary too

[Three Roses]

I regularly set goals and schedules for self-care/health and then disregard them. I write, journal, make notes where I'll see them, post reminders - nothing. I don't go to the doctor, dentist, etc when I need to.

I have no motivation. I read books, articles, etc on how to get motivation but nothing seems to motivate me.

[Blueberry]

I'm pretty self-destructive or self-sabotaging too. Though I would say in the past year or so I've been improving little by little. I think it's pretty common with cptsd to not be able to be nice to yourself. I find it good to note to myself when I do manage after all and focus on that. Even if you manage to keep part of the morning routine. Small steps count in healing from cptsd!! And also maybe find out when you tend to sabotage yourself. e.g. I do when I have too much on my list of possible things for the next day, so not even a To Do list, but enough to cause me pressure.