Wattlebirds journal

Started by Wattlebird, July 13, 2018, 03:28:48 AM

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Wattlebird

I was very mindful of my thinking feelings etc this morning, I did part of my routine but I was so anxious about a job I had to do that I skipped the rest- but I did force myself to do at least part of the routine telling myself I'd do the rest after I finished this job of course I didn't,
Your right blueberry anything that causes any pressure throws me off course
3 roses I'm the same I am hopeless at Drs and dentists, I have X-rays and blood tests to get done from the visit to the Drs I made myself go to 4 weeks ago but still haven't got the tests done or the appointments aren't even made. Its like I have to build myself up to have the discipline to go. It takes serious pain usually to get me to go.
All the motivation I have is about avoiding shame

Blueberry

It's similar for me with docs and dentists too. I recently made it to the dentist's actually - for the first time in 2 1/2 years! They checked that for me.

4 weeks doesn't sound that bad to me, though I suppose it might depend on what the tests are for.

I need to build myself up to have the energy and courage to go. This usually amounts to some form of minor, easy to carry out self-care or doing something fun for Inner Children or mantra chanting. All in the name of combatting those internalised FOO voices telling me I'm not worth it or that you can't trust doctors.  I break it down into steps too. First I make the appointment and praise myself for that. Then on the day, praise self for getting out of bed, for getting to doc or dentist, for managing well there.

Sometimes I've needed to figure out that I actually had a problem with doc or dentist and how s/he had treated me as a person before.

Both my psychiatrist and dentist are very close by - 5 min. walk max. That helps too. I once tried to change dentists to one who deals with anxiety patients but that would have been 30 mins by bus or bike. I simply didn't go though I had an appointment and although my current dentist isn't very sensitive to cptsd problems.

Wattlebird

Yeah 4 weeks isn't too bad just the latest, I once waited so long to go to the dentist I had 2 abcessed teeth and nerve damage to my face  I ended up in hospital. At least they drugged me

Wattlebird

 :cheer:
I did all of my self care routine this morning

Wattlebird

A much better day today, a much more posative attitude and more motivation,
My 1st daughter is visiting she is really well, she has a lot of anxiety ( complex trauma ) but is unwilling to address the emotional issues but actively works on symptoms like anxiety, sleep probs etc she seems very relaxed and happy atm and her life looks very much in order, she says she feels good so that's really encouraging.
I am fighting a constant desire to go to bed even today when I have energy and a more posative mood I still have this pull to go sleep and avoid reality. I don't know if I should be allowing myself this escape or not, I'm concerned it will drag me down further into the pit of despair, but I also think that allowing myself to be depressed is valuable as well, instead of this constant struggle.


Blueberry

Wattlebird, I'm also well-acquainted with that struggle of whether to stay up or go back to bed. Sometimes it is good for me to just allow myself the time in bed. It's my safe place. Sounds quuite good with your daughter too.  :)

Blueberry


Sceal

Hi!
So good to hear about your daughter feeling good in her life at the moment, and that she's managing her symptoms well. Also good to hear that you are feeling better today, more energy and more positive.
Perhaps you can do both? Go out for a 5-10 minute walk in fresh air, or get some groceries or something, just to be out a little bit. Use some nice skin lotion, paint your nails. Something small, yet good. And then, go to bed and rest?

Wattlebird

Yes sceal that's what I ended up doing bits of both I lay down and read a book / no sleep but still an escape of sorts and spent time swimming which was lovely as well, it's so nice to just have a relaxed day  :cheer:

Sceal

So glad that you did a mix of things. I hope it was helpful and soothing for you!  :cheer: And that today is a good day as well

Wattlebird

Yep today was another nice day I could get used to this  ;)
I did all my morning self care again, 2 days in a row wow
Got therapy Tomorrow, I used to really look forward to therapy, now I'm a little scared of it, but I'm more frightened of never getting any better so... 

Wattlebird

Therapy today
Approached my hard subject today, I dissociated a few times but we covered heaps of ground in a much better more controlled way than my last attempt at broaching a painful topic, last attempt I went into what felt like melt down mode. This time I didn't just blurt out the whole sordid tale but asked her how to go about it carefully. Which she told me we could do when I was ready.
So I've been in a dream like state ever since, just starting to feel real again tonight.
Yeah I think I even feel relief, relief that I talked, relief that I am still ok, relief that what I said was reacted to appropriately, I feel validated,
You know I think I feel a little pride as well  :bigwink:

Blueberry


Wattlebird

It been a good couple of days I'm feeling so posative today, I talked to my husband about complex trauma and we watched a video together about it, well he knew I had it but I have always refused to talk about the subject except to acknowledge I had it, I could see he was very happy at my openness but was trying to act all cool, he was non judgemental, supportive and encouraging
I'm reeling at these big steps I've taken over the last few days I've trusted 2 people in 2 days and both encounters went really well
I feel like I have overcome some major barrier and I'm stunned that it went ok
Well couldn't wait to share  :woohoo:

sanmagic7

 :woohoo: is right!  you go!   enjoy.

just a word of caution, and i don't mean to bring you down by saying this.  just remember that this beast is a roller coaster ride, and you may hit a snag again in the future.  by remembering these good days, the steps you've taken, the positive results, and how great it felt may help you to weather those down days (should they come) a little easier.   they'll move on more quickly that way and you'll be more prepared for them.

in the meantime, i'm very jazzed for you wb.  i really do think it's great to have such wonderful experiences which in turn make for wonderful days.  keep up the good work.  sending love and a hug full of encouragement and uplifting support.