Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

Getting back on track, my d's both visited recently which was really posative, we got to talk about our family's warped way of dealing with emotions and that we both had issues surrounding emotions, we suggested that they work on emotional issues for themselves as we haven't been able to teach them this very effectively over the years, one is in therapy the other is working on it already with her partner and told us about her struggles etc.
It was reassuring to me that I can at least help them now to not remain in unhealthy ways of coping with emotional problem.
I got a pd diagnosis last week and felt as though I didn't deserve to be here on oots but have since realised I was being too hard on myself, I still have cptsd  and a comorbid pd isn't that unusual. So I've pulled up my socks and got out of self pity mode and into help myself get better mode.

[Boy22]

Yay wattlebird!

Seriously, you deserve a yay! As the minimum.

[sanmagic7]

how wonderful that you were able to discuss this stuff with your d's.  i'm so very happy for all of you.  family healing is the best.

i think you totally deserve to be here, wb.  besides your pd diagnosis, you struggle with the same kinds of things the rest of us struggle with.  you belong.  you're welcome here, and we're glad to have you with us.  besides, your struggles help so many others at the very least to know they're not the only ones going thru this crapola.

glad you're getting back on track.  keep taking care of you.  sending love and hugs filled with warmth and caring.

[Wattlebird]

Thank u boy22 and San I appreciate your kind words very much

I've had a lovely weekend away with some friends, it's usually such a nerve racking experience (holidays) that I prefer to stay home but I got out of my comfort zone and really just enjoyed the moment, I am tired and depressed today as I quit the cigerettes yesterday and I think it's messin with me a little but not in any great way it's only been 2-3 weeks of smoking again so much easier I hope. 

[Wattlebird]

A nice calm day, hardly any anxiety at all. Isn't it just so nice to have a day go peacefully.

[sanmagic7]

good luck getting off the cigs.  been there, done that.  many times.  it's been different every time.  i hope it goes pretty smoothly for you.   love and hugs.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San I'm going well with the cigs, still off them.
I am all worn out after a big week of work, so glad it's over now.
I am struggling to voice my feelings and thoughts lately - think I am struggling with shame,  yes that's it -

[Sceal]

It's a good first step to figgure out what emotion it is that you have. I hope you'll find a way through and out of the shame-swamp land. It's not a good place to be in.
You've had alot on your plate, and quitting smoking on top of that is impressive! Keep up the great work you're doing!  It's almost week-end I hope you get to have some relaxing time then

[Wattlebird]

Thanks sceal I appreciate your support, I quit smoking about a year ago but had a 2 week lapse and I'm just stopping after that lapse so it's been relatively easy thankfully.

My t started talking about being nicer to my other parts and working together, it's strange how I can appreciate the importance of someone else doing this with there parts but I seem to be lacking self compassion - I will work at that more

[Wattlebird]

I'm having a hard time pushing forward on recovery lately I seem to have lost momentum, I've just encountered some obstacles, so what are the obstacles ? And why are they slowing me up? My questions to ponder
I've been reading a fair amount, and still learning lots, I've been worrying about the emotional impact I'm having on my t, I know this is her job but I still have this feeling like I'm over burdening her, but I can also see this is learnt behaviour (don't burden others with your problems) , it's just a struggle, I need to talk to her about this, yes.
Well I think I will cook something yummy for dinner and treat hubby.

[Boy22]

Hey Wattlebird, you are there. Your burden is the obstacle between you and recovery.

I have a phone call session with my T this week, and next week it will be another face to face session. I am planning to try and disobey one of my childhood scripts for this and go in a slightly dishevelled state. The major childhood script for me was any "medical" encounter requires me to be well groomed, well attired and well mannered.

Good luck with your next session and I am sure dinner will be gorgeous.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks boy that makes sense

[Wattlebird]

A posative day, I got a fair bit done and was relaxed (not anxious) had a swim as well, talked with hubby for a while which was nice,

[Wattlebird]

Feeling so depressed first thing in the mornings, it's always the same I wake, feel dread I need to get thru another day, try to go back to sleep until I'm ashamed of myself for sleeping half the day away, I then get up and try to get thru the day as best I can, I start to feel better mid afternoon and by night usually feel quite on top of things. It's the responsibilities of the day that overwhelm me so much and as the day passes and there are less demands on me I feel better.
I don't even have that many responsibilities to worry about but that's my major issue every morning

[Wattlebird]

So as predicted I'm much happier tonight, I've been reading some books and learning heaps I've got a dbt manual and learning from that, Pete walkers book which I haven't started yet cause I'm reading a big dissociation book as well I read stop walking on eggshells twice this week and have given it to hubby and one d so far, there both half way thru, hopefully we can all learn better ways to relate to each other - I just want to be happy with life instead of contantly struggling with things that are easy for most people like shopping or whatever. I wonder if that is a realistic goal?  I guess I've come a long way in this last year, so it's certainly a possibility, I'm scared to hope for this but entertaining the idea is new for me so we will start there