Wattlebirds journal

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
I would also like to wish you the best in the decision you've made, and hope that you get the support that you need - and sending you a supportive hug  if that's ok.
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

I'm so sorry wattlebird,
I'm sorry for your grieving.  On the other hand, maybe that you were able to speak so well is an indication that you are doing the right thing?  Here if you need us 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks db, 3r and hope,
Yes I'm not that bad really, sure I'm upset and grieving but I really think it's the correct decision and I'm quite hopeful for a better future for us both, I'm pretty sure we will remain friends, at this stage anyway. Maybe I'm in denial but I don't think so, it's so nice to spill all this somewhere safe, thanks for caring

[Wattlebird]

A better day more talking and sorting out finances and what not, but I was amazingly calm and relaxed, I think my day of talking and crying yesterday has done me the world of good plus his attitude is great. This is starting to feel like it's going too well, isn't it meant to be a sh*t fight, I'm sorry to say I feel as though I've just been pardoned from prison, ow dear I don't think I'll share that with him.

[sanmagic7]

hey, wb,

feels like being pardoned from prison?  um, yeah, sounds like maybe you made the right decisions.  funny how those kinds of realizations often come after the fact.  i am sorry for the split, the grieving, all the painful stuff.  glad you're feeling better, tho. 

sending love and a big hug filled with hope for a good/better future.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San
Yes I think it's the right decision, I've been far to excited about the future, I'm really trying to rein in my these feelings around hubby as he is devestated at his "failure",
I told d2 about the seperation but then my d1 turned up Tuesday night with her partner, she is pregnant,  I'm so excited but have to rein that in too, there both devestated, she is and has always been anti- abortion in her beliefs and now feels trapped into motherhood, he definitely doesn't want it and is telling us he was going to give the relationship a time out before this, he is staying around atm because he doesn't want to abandon her, but it seems I'm going to be a grandma, omg I am so excited, I really do feel enormous compassion for her/ them but hubby and I have got smiles about the 1st grand kiddy she can come live with me I've got 2 rooms she can have, she thinks this is likely atm. But in the mean time we need to sort out what they are actually going to do, so I'm not telling them our news yet she is totally overwhelmed already.
So everything is happening this week big big life changes.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
This is exciting news to hear you're going to be a Grand-parent 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Wow, a grandbaby! Happy news indeed! Congrats 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks for the congrats 3r and hope,
All my visitors have gone home now, I had therapy this morning, after t I came home and slept the rest of the day away, it's now middle of the night, so in the last 24 hrs I've slept at least 17 hrs, too much emotional upheaval really knocks me out, I am very depressed today ... I don't even know what to say about it but I still have a strong desire to go back to bed and avoid thinking.
Thought maybe journal might help but it's just making me anxious, 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Be kind to yourself - you have done a lot of processing - and the fact you want to sleep - that's ok.  So much emotional upheaval and that takes its toll.  Take care - do whatever you need to do - but most of all - take care.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks hope, I slept and rested a lot, and today I feel a lot better.
Journal
I was a lot more motivated today, I did jobs that have been waiting months, I've been trying to sort out our health insurance to cover d2's outpatient care next year she's in a 12 mth dbt program and pscholigist visit every week, and my t each week as well, so money will be very tight next year.
I'm fairly anxious atm but I've noticed my anxiety (in general ) has improved a lot over the last couple of months, and my current anxiety isn't even at my old "normal" everyday levels. So dealing with this week I can see how much I have progressed, 
I was talking to my m the other day and she was telling me how she used to think I was a saint and could do nothing wrong, (golden child) she no longer thinks this (thank God), she was also telling me how hard it was for her and my f during a certain major family trauma, she was talking about how her and my f were just crying and holding each other in bed, I was so annoyed at this, I was the main victim and I remember being utterly traumatised alone in my bed, no one ever comforted me - ever, I was tempted to say something but didn't as usual.
I think she was trying to make excuses for the way I was treated during this time, she knows it damaged me profoundly the trauma and their abandonment ( they left the country ) without any acknowledgement of my pain, I told them I wasn't coping ( the only time I've asked for help) but they said quote " bad luck" and left. So why on earth she thinks I'm going to have compassion on her and the hard time she had is really another slap in the face if u ask me.
Now I'm getting all triggered but the conversation has been niggling me for days and thought I'd have a rant. I've deleted most of my rant and swearing.
This has all resurfaced because of some other family problem similar in nature but not quite so serious. I hope she doesn't continue this at Christmas.   

[sanmagic7]

 

sending love and comforting hugs.  i'm just sorry you didn't get them when you needed them.  that sucks.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San hugs much appreciated
Journal
A better day today, got a lot of work done, again, wow 2 days in a row, on a roll. I am really getting a lot out of this dissociation book, I can really connect with what it says, I have been getting to know my parts and it's really helping a lot with my anxiety over situations and responsibilities that I have usually avoided, of course I still have a lot of work to do, I've only really got to know 4 parts,( I sense another 3 at least but they are pretty quiet)  I was getting confused about parts and who was who so asked them to give themselves nicknames, I've got elf she's 3, red, black, and mother, mother now looks out for the young ones, my parts are not wanting me to reveal any more about themselves except elf she doesn't care, she is much happier.
So this feels pretty weird talking about my parts but I wanted to acknowledge them and tell you all how brave my parts have been and how they are trying to work together or without conflict at least.

[Hope67]

I wanted to acknowledge them and tell you all how brave my parts have been and how they are trying to work together or without conflict at least.

to you Wattlebird - and really good that you're doing this, and acknowledging the bravery of your parts - and working together in that way. 

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Just wanted to celebrate with you  2 days of feeling good is a positive step and I hope you have many many more