Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

I got less done today, but what I did get done is great, I finally got a project working that has taken me around a year to work out, but little by little, I solved many problems and its up and running, I was so stunned, I realise I fully expected further problems, so there's still work to do but all the hard part is DONE  thank goodness.
This project has been a major source of inner conflict and criticism. I don't think I ever believed I could do it, and only persisted at my h's insistence that I was capable of doing it.
so I gave myself the rest of the day off and went for a swim, which was lovely. 

[sanmagic7]

    right there with you.

that project, your small steps, perseverance, encouragement from you t - sounds like a metaphor for our healing journeys.  it's great!  well done, wb.   love and hugs.

[Three Roses]

Well done, you! Hope you enjoyed your swim.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San and 3r I did enjoy my swim I love swimming.
Journal
I went to visit my d2 yesterday and today we went to the hospital to sign her up for group dbt next year, that all went ok, I've been very anxious dealing with her and d1's unwanted pregnancy, not to mention my seperation from hubby and trying to sort out assets etc, wow I was feeling disappointed with myself at the high levels of anxiety I'm back to, but writing that out maybe I should give myself a break, I just got home and I'm going to try relax, maybe hang out on the porch. 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
You have so many things on your plate to deal with at the moment, and I just wanted to pop by and say that I hope that you have a relaxing break and hanging out on the Porch sounds really good.  Wishing you some respite from those high levels of anxiety - and sending you a hug if that's ok 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, wb, nice realization.  yeah, you deserve a break from all that stress.  it's a lot to deal with.   enjoy the porch.  love and hugs.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San and hope, I've had a relaxation day today,

[Wattlebird]

Ok I saw my t today, I didn't tell her about my worries about the next 4 weeks but I think she realised I was feeling quite abandoned, with my seperation from h and her going away, she told me to ring her if necessary even though I know she is actually holidaying in this time, this was so nice of her, I have never rang her before so I think she knows I will only do it if really desperate. This was lovely reassurance, I also gave her a list of my fears around emotional displays in therapy which was very scary but I think encouraging, as I have never shown her anything like that before she commented on how far I've come since the beginning of the year, so we discussed some of those fears, she really is very good I walked away feeling much more confident and reassured. When yesterday I felt hopeless and lost.

[Ellis]

Ok I saw my t today, I didn't tell her about my worries about the next 4 weeks but I think she realised I was feeling quite abandoned, with my seperation from h and her going away, she told me to ring her if necessary even though I know she is actually holidaying in this time, this was so nice of her, I have never rang her before so I think she knows I will only do it if really desperate. This was lovely reassurance, I also gave her a list of my fears around emotional displays in therapy which was very scary but I think encouraging, as I have never shown her anything like that before she commented on how far I've come since the beginning of the year, so we discussed some of those fears, she really is very good I walked away feeling much more confident and reassured. When yesterday I felt hopeless and lost.

This sounds awesome, Wattlebird. I'm happy you've found such a supportive T. And I love those kind of therapy sessions that leave you with such a warm feeling.

Regards,
Ellis.

[Sceal]

Really kind of your T to let you call her, despite being on holiday. Shows she cares about how you are doing.  😊
It was also very brave of you to bring up something you find very scary. I hope that she showed you that it wasn't dangerous for you to share your worries around emotional display.

[Deep Blue]

Hey wattlebird,
Sorry I realized it's been too long since I read your posts.  Sending you love and support and validation.  I totally think therapists leaving or being unavailable is a huge anxiety causing problem! 

I have no doubt I would loudly complain about it 

[sanmagic7]

good for you, wb.  you showed a lot of courage and strength in giving your t that list.  well done!

and i'm so very glad that she is so supportive, compassionate, and understanding.  that is so great.  i love that she gave you the calling option. 

keep taking care of you.  we'll be here for you in this next month.  sending love and 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San, db, sceal & Ellis
I'm feeling way better today, I guess knowing she's giving me this call option has relieved that anxiety a lot, thanks for the support and validation, it really helps me stay on top of things, knowing your all here helps a lot as well.

Journal
Had a productive day shopping for household items, it was good, so often I go out to get something and come back empty handed, often the decisions are just too anxiety provoking and I get social anxiety as well, so usually just leave to get away from people, but today came home with 4 semi- major items must be a record. So I'm nearly done setting up house although I've been here a couple of months now.
Had a visit with a friend, told her about the seperation from h, she wasn't surprised, I told my m last night too, she wasn't surprised either lol, so why are we the only ones in a bit of shock, denial denial denial, aw well. I keep swinging from deep despair to excited relief at freedom, today I'm the latter, so that's good.

[Wattlebird]

Another good day, chatted with an old school friend which was nice, I seem to be feeling a bit more confident socially, a little anyway, Did lots of cleaning today which was good, more things are getting done as well, it's nice to see improvements leaking into my daily life.
I was beginning to worry about my overall calm acceptance of our seperation, every time I see my h he is crying again, and he's not usually a cryer, I don't feel much at all really except relief, am I that cold hearted or am I burying my feelings, I don't know.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Just sending you a hug, if that's ok  - I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed chatting with your old school friend - that's nice.  Also really good that you are feeling a bit more confident socially - and did that cleaning too - 
People react in different ways to situations - your husband crying - he's letting some emotions out - you're feeling relief - you both can feel things at a pace that feels right - I doubt very much that you are cold-hearted - you come across as warm-hearted to me - just because you don't cry or react in a certain way at a certain time, it doesn't mean you're not warm-hearted - I think our parts protect us - and will allow us to feel things when the time feels right to them.  Just my thoughts. 
Take care,
Hope