Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

Thanks hope and db, I had a big rest yesterday and feel a fair bit better today I've got a job to go to but hopefully it won't take long between 1 1/2 hrs and 3 hrs so I think I can manage I have a fair bit of anxiety about the job which is so frustrating I know I'm capable and I don't have to interact with anyone so why? So annoying 

[Jdog]

Yes, I was sick for about 4 days during break.  But I'm fairly sure it came from someone IRL! 

[Wattlebird]

I felt much better this morning and got my work done fine, I did another job afterward since I was feeling good but that was a big mistake I worked about 3 hrs in a hot shed and now feel horrendous my head is aching, tryed to sleep but I'm all blocked up, think I got a bit of heat stroke as well as my head cold I've dosed up but can't shake this headache. Decided I needed to have a whine   .

[sanmagic7]

whine away, sweetie.  this stuff sucks, and, yeah, it comes back, hits you again.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Wattlebird]

Rested today even though I didn't feel too bad, I've been reading my dissociation book and read the chapter on sleeping, I noticed I skipped this chapter, I'm just not ready to deal with my many sleep issues, as its my escape from reality and security blanket all in one. But I thought I should at least read the chapter, it was pretty good actually, I related to a lot of it and feel less scared about tackling this issue, just not yet. 
More problems with my d's, one is sick with pneumonia and the other has her own issues which I may have to drive up and sort out personally tomorrow. Both are not their fault, they both have had a horrible run lately, feeling very sad for both of them but not the triggered panicked feeling I usually get with their issues, I started feeling anxiety when talking to my ex about d1 and her pneumonia, but as soon as I was off the phone I calmed down again. Any dealing with him concerning the children usually triggers anxiety. 

[Sceal]

I think it's good you rested today, despite not feeling bad. I think it's important to rest on the days we're feeling good too. I suspect our bodies and minds and hearts still need the extra healing, even if the day is alright. Pnemonia sucks! It is the season for colds, flu's, pnemonia and all the other respitory illnesses. I hope both your d's will be feeling better soon.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks sceal, went and saw d2 today sorted some problems out and she is feeling a lot better, which I feel posative about, I'm glad I went.

[Jdog]

Glad things are on a more positive trajectory, Wattlebird.  Hang in there.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks jdog,
Journal
I'm very angry - how do you deal with anger, I've dissociated anger all my life, and now I'm experiencing it I don't know what to do, all I want to do is kick things or give up, neither of which is helping me, I feel a bit panicky and crying (in anger) I feel a bit out of control.
Any advice on working through anger without damaging things or self, ow I remember my t gave me something for this type of thing I'll go find it.
Sorry not thinking too clearly

[sanmagic7]

i've written a lot of my anger out, have pummeled my bed, yelled and swore, and one thing that has helped me a lot is banging pots and pans around, just making noise.  i came from the 'children should be seen and not heard' camp, so making noise, either with objects or by yelling stuff has captured and processed 2 birds with one big bang.

it was a relief to me to finally allow my anger.  i hope you find that as well, sweetie.  best to you with this.  i think it's a good sign you're getting in touch with it.     love and hugs.

[Jdog]

San's advice seems great.  I don't externalize anger well.  I live with someone who is in very close touch with her anger and it gets a bit scary when she lets it loose (nothing physical, just words).

[Wattlebird]

I've calmed down thanks, I need to get used to dealing with anger without losing my head, 

[Deep Blue]

Hey wattlebird,
Anger is an easy emotion for me.  It's one I've expressed my whole life.  It feels better to me than sadness so I express it often when I'm sad as well.

Some healthier ways I deal with it is physical exercise.  I go for a run, or do some push-ups.  Another thing I do is scribble on paper.  Hard and angry.  I will write about it sometimes as well.  Hope that helps.
❤️

[Wattlebird]

Thanks db, I'm usually crying instead of anger, anger just scares me senseless, but I'm not longer dissociating as much, so it's improving. But I hate crying as well so 
One thing that annoys me about admitting my fears is I always believed myself to be brave, I've always been into extreme sports and feel little fear, but when I examine my emotional life I'm a quivering mess, scared of everything, to scared to trust anyone.
I'm making great progress really but it grieves me to realise I'm full of fear.
I've been really off balance the last couple of days and I've been trying to see what's triggered it, for two days I've been unsure what set me off .. I just permanently left my h 3 days ago, how come it wasn't obvious ? Anyway I'm glad I've worked it out.

[Hope67]

I'm making great progress really but it grieves me to realise I'm full of fear.
I've been really off balance the last couple of days and I've been trying to see what's triggered it, for two days I've been unsure what set me off .. I just permanently left my h 3 days ago, how come it wasn't obvious ? Anyway I'm glad I've worked it out.

Hi Wattlebird,

Maybe that in itself is also progress - i.e. that you 'realise' you have parts of you that are full of fear, and afterall, you've also realised that you have made a massive change (permanently leaving your h just 3 days ago) and there might be some aspects of fearing the unknown of that - I don't know - but I am glad you've worked out what triggered you - it does make sense.  Be kind to yourself, and do whatever you need to do - and I hope that you have a day that is whatever you'd like it to be. 

Hope