Wattlebirds journal

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Hope67

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #360 on: January 12, 2019, 01:23:09 PM »
I'm making great progress really but it grieves me to realise I'm full of fear.
I've been really off balance the last couple of days and I've been trying to see what's triggered it, for two days I've been unsure what set me off .. I just permanently left my h 3 days ago, how come it wasn't obvious ? Anyway I'm glad I've worked it out.


Hi Wattlebird,

Maybe that in itself is also progress - i.e. that you 'realise' you have parts of you that are full of fear, and afterall, you've also realised that you have made a massive change (permanently leaving your h just 3 days ago) and there might be some aspects of fearing the unknown of that - I don't know - but I am glad you've worked out what triggered you - it does make sense.  Be kind to yourself, and do whatever you need to do - and I hope that you have a day that is whatever you'd like it to be. 

Hope  :)

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Wattlebird

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #361 on: January 13, 2019, 08:28:29 AM »
Thanks hope, I feel lots better today, I think just working out what was going on helped me a lot.
I've been working on a project at my exs house, and i got stuck on a particular problem and been trying to sort it out for months, at last I asked for help today, got a specialist out to have a look, and he showed me where the problem lay. It is so hard for me to ask for help but he was gracious, even a bit impressed, he said he has been doing this for 20 years and its still a head f*#k. So that was good, I didn't feel so stupid about asking for help. Anyway I am going to throw a party when this projects finished, a solo party, that is.
Anyway I made loads of progress today, thank goodness. If I could just bring myself to ask for help it would have been done 6mths ago so hopefully next time I will be braver or smarter.
I came home and someone has put my bins out, one of my neighbors I guess  :Idunno: I wonder who my bin fairy is, sometimes they bring them in for me, but no ones ever put them out before.
I'm going to do my jigsaw puzzle and relax, listen to some music  :wave:

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Wattlebird

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #362 on: January 14, 2019, 08:58:28 AM »
Today I am so tired, slept half the day away and I'm still struggling to wake up properly. My t is back and I see her Friday, why am I so anxious about seeing her, it's all that's running through my head, contantly.
Got the final release from my marriage today off my solicitor, he said it was the fastest easiest seperation he has ever done, my h rushed it thru, he thought I was going to cause trouble and wanted it done "while I was still thinking straight" I didn't argue at all, because he is the one that always causes problems with these things, and I was just grateful that he was in agreement for once.
Me "not thinking straight " is his way of saying I don't agree with him, if I ever disagree with him, he eludes to my mental state of mind in a way that says "yes but we both know your a bit crazy" and if I protest, he says "I'm just being honest" 
So my t has told me many times I'm not "crazy", so it's hard to get my head around, I have slipped into psychosis before and do get irrational, so I sometimes believe him and sometimes her, I think it's my dissociative disorder, which can certainly look crazy.
Though.... My ex certainly has mental health issues of his own, he has no empathy for anyone, ever, is paranoid and becomes manic, but if I get him to see any of this he then says it's a reaction to me and it's my fault he is not always stable.
I think he is a narc maybe, all the kids think he is a sociopath but I think it's cptsd and narc, maybe bipolar, his mother was bipolar, anyway whatever it is I'm away from it now and feel saner than ever (most of the time)
He has been watching utube vids on bpd and keeps asking why I'm not reacting to our seperation by causing problems, I feel like saying because I'm so glad to get away from u, but that would just be hurtful and unnecessary.
Anyway it has felt good to get this out, this gaslighting really messes with your head, especially when you can see you have mental health issues, but disagreeing with anything he says or does doesn't mean I'm off balance.
Anyway rant over

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sj

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #363 on: January 14, 2019, 11:09:14 AM »
hello Wattlebird  :wave:

I don't know you, but just reading what you've described here about how your ex treated you makes me feel really relieved and happy for you that you have separated and that it has been pretty quick and relatively painless. It seems wonderful to have your life and living space free from that, though it certainly seems unsurprising you would feel off-balance with so much significant stuff going on.

The projects sound good  :) .... As does the mystery bin fairy - the idea and imagery of that makes me chuckle   ;D

rest well

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Libby183

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #364 on: January 14, 2019, 01:38:56 PM »
Wattlebird. I am sorry to read that you are having rather an up and down time at the moment. Doesn't seem surprising, given you have moved out and are getting the divorce all sorted.
I related to everything you said about your dealings with your husband, around the separation. It is so difficult. I am quite calmly dealing with things when he isn't around but when I see him briefly, I become very confused. It's not nice so I am telling myself I am better well away from him.
I hope it's OK for me to keep up with your journal. I think we are in similar positions, so it helps to know we are not alone. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Libby.

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Three Roses

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #365 on: January 14, 2019, 05:30:31 PM »
If I may intrude to just comment that this is one beautiful thing about this forum - there is always someone who can relate with what we are going through.  :hug:

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Deep Blue

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #366 on: January 14, 2019, 11:38:11 PM »
Hey wattlebird,
Sorry Iíve been a bit Mia.  Just wanted to send you some love and let you know Iím thinking of you.  :hug:

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Wattlebird

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #367 on: January 15, 2019, 12:38:44 AM »
Hi sj
I'm glad you have popped in to encourage me, please feel free to comment any time, I've been reading your posts as well, I hope your upcoming move is as freeing as mine was.
Hi 3r
I'm so happy I found this forum, it's been wonderful to have people who can relate to my circumstances.
Libby
Please feel free to comment any time, I've been following your progress thru this time as well, it's helpful to me and if my story is any help to you I'm glad for it.
Thanks db, you are an encouragement to me, thanks for the support.
Journal
It warmed my heart this morning to see all these comments and encouragement, I find it hard to write about my ex and the way he treated me, he always made me feel like I'd bought it all on myself, even now it's hard to know what's motivating him, I feel like he masks manipulation as caring for my health, he dropped in to my house yesterday afternoon to see if I was ok, but I feel like he is only concerned I wasn't fixing his problems at his place, it's true he is very very unconvinced by my not finishing this project and I feel great pressure to finish, but he seems to mask it as caring, I really am unsure if I'm being paranoid as I have been quite off balance as well.
I talked to d1 at Christmas about this uncertainty I feel about his behaviour, as she has seen the dynamics growing up, but she didn't comment either way, just said we both have issues, well she said it nicer than that. D2 thinks he is a pig and I'm emotionally unavailable but try to be, (I become highly triggered at any display of strong emotions, but really fight to stay emotionally available to my kids) my s says the whole family is out of touch with their emotions, what a mess.

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Libby183

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #368 on: January 15, 2019, 08:22:41 AM »
That's a sad, but very familiar picture you paint, Wattlebird. My daughter says the same about us, in that we both have issues. My sons are just like their father, totally emotionally unavailable. They can't even manage to say hello or goodnight, and yet I validated and helped with all of their difficult emotions whilst growing up. My husband admits he dislikes any negative emotions and just shuts off. And now they are shut off like him and barely notice I exist. Do you feel that you are doing OK with your children, at the moment? It's a real minefield, isn't it? It must be hard questioning your ex's behaviour. I am not having that problem as he has told me straight out that he did not sign up to be "a psychiatric carer". I think that over the past few years, he has made me worse rather than cared for me, so that really hurt.
Keep going with everything, and looking after yourself. Are you living on your own now? I'm not sure. I think I am quite looking forward to this.
Take care and thanks for the opportunity to share experiences.

Libby.

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Wattlebird

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #369 on: January 15, 2019, 09:15:44 AM »
Hi Libby
My kids (adults now) are all amicable with us both, d2 avoids my ex if she can but my s has learnt to switch off all emotion around him, as he is often verbally abusive, he says if u don't react he calms down quicker, but d2 has a temper and can't keep her mouth shut, so avoids instead. D1 has been out of home long enough to put up with him for short visits, they are all very friendly and loving towards me, d2 gets frustrated at my "uncaring" (she is diagnosed BPD ) and has mental health issues. Trauma related. But she probably talks to me more than any of them, we can relate a lot as I have a borderline diagnosis as well as cptsd, though I tend to the "quiet borderline" she acts out.
Anyway I'm in my own home, but see my ex often we are both trying to be amicable and not cause drama for the kids.
The problem is he prides himself on his manipulation skills, I told him once how he manipulates everyone, he said I only manipulate people who don't do what I want them too. So u can see why I doubt his sincerity, he has said many times that if I just did what I was told he wouldn't manipulate me into things. He can't see any problem with this behaviour as its my fault for not conforming to his wishes.
But that said I have manipulated my way out of this marriage without a huge blow up, and he doesn't see that, he thinks it's his idea, but I bought it about.
He firmly believes my mental health is the problem as well.

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Wattlebird

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #370 on: January 16, 2019, 06:41:51 AM »
Well it's finally come to a head, we (ex and I ) argued over the project I'm doing for him, I'm ashamed to say I used my mental health as an excuse to quit it, he is blaming me, of course and when he started on me, just after saying he didn't want to argue (his new version of just do it) I told him how he'd pushed me into it, cut off all other avenues and put me in a no win situation, he lost his cool and started blaming me for it not being complete already. I said I thought you didn't want to argue, he replied I just don't want to be blamed for things that aren't my fault, I replied neither do I (emphatically ) so he is getting someone else in thank goodness. I've been in such a mental mess over this, I really have tryed hard to finish it but it's beyond me and really it's his house his problem now, what an utter relief.

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Libby183

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #371 on: January 16, 2019, 07:57:50 AM »
Hi, Wattlebird.

It was really good to hear some more about your relationships with your children. It sounds like you are doing well in difficult circumstances.

By the way, I would guess that I, too, am Borderline as well.  This is the real issue for me atm. I am doing well with my daughter (like yours, she's lived away for several years), doing OK ish with the more normal of my twin sons, but things are bad with my autistic son. I wonder if it is easier for me to cope with people if they are psychologically healthier? I think I might post about this as people may have some advice.

I am so pleased that you have managed to bring the project at your ex's house to an end. It sounded extremely stressful. I think pretty much all of my meltdowns over the last nine years have been brought on by house related things. It was too big a project, I felt no one cared to do it but me and I hated dealing with tradespeople. I am going to, hopefully, live in a very small house with only my dog. The less stress the better.

Thank you again for the opportunity to talk over these things. It means such a lot.

Have a relaxing time with that project out of the way.

Libby.

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Three Roses

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #372 on: January 16, 2019, 06:52:13 PM »
Quote
... really it's his house his problem now, what an utter relief.
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

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BeHea1thy

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #373 on: January 16, 2019, 08:42:19 PM »
Wattlebird,
Quote
I'm ashamed to say I used my mental health as an excuse to quit it,
Recognizing your limits, regardless of the feelings, is a great way to stop an unwinnable and lost cause situation. No shame! Remember, you said HEALTH, which is a fine distinction.
 :bigwink:

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Wattlebird

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Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Reply #374 on: January 17, 2019, 09:00:22 AM »
Thanks Libby
 I'm glad I could be helpful sharing some of my story, I was going to tell some tradie story's but I think it's too identifying so I won't. I read a dbt book which helped me understand how to better deal with bpd, there a big help, and my therapist specialised in this area for many years, it's very treatable. Do you see a t?
Thanks behealthy
I am telling myself that I shouldn't feel guilty, as it really was messing with my mental health, stress, anxiety, some days I would dissociate and make all kinds of mistakes, so I wasn't lying, for some reason I still feel ashamed that I used it as an excuse  :Idunno:
Thanks 3r  :thumbup:
I better day today, less stress, ex is away visiting family so I went and collected a whole load of things I still had there, I've been sitting on my balcony watching a truly magnificent lightning storm, it reminds me of when I was a little kid, if there was ever a lightning storm my d and I would sit upstairs and watch out the window, the rest of the house would cower in their rooms, a nice memory  ;D