Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

Deep blue
Yes they do indeed. So frustrating and disappointing that she can't see it, now when she is terminally ill, but I guess I was being naively hopeful ... Again.

[Wattlebird]

Journal
Had my t session this morning, I was able to say more, cry !!, and she told me how mentally strong she thought I was and why she thought that, I walked away feeling like I had really made progress, broken thru some invisible barrier. 
Also my new dissociation book arrived today but I think I'll finish the other before diving into this one.

[Libby183]

Dear Wattlebird, your description of your family sounds so familiar. I know that my mother could not bear to touch me, except when she beat me. She seems to know what she did, but could never grasp that it could possibly have done me any harm. For her, that's just what all parents do.
I hope you are doing OK.

All the best.

Libby.

[Wattlebird]

Yes that describes her, when I saw my m&f a few weeks ago, my m was again talking about my s claim that she really thought she was going to be killed when my m told us she was going to kill us, my f said quote " that's nonsense, our parents did that to us and where' all right" I was really astounded at their blindness, my f has had several mental breakdowns as has my m, I nearly laughed at the absurdity of it all, I refrained from commenting.
I hope you are doing better Libby 

[Three Roses]

I walked away feeling like I had really made progress, broken thru some invisible barrier.

[Sceal]

I'm happy to hear that you had such a good session with your T, and that you managed to talk and cry, and get validated for all the hard work that you have put in. It's really a hard battle to fight, but you're doing it! 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks sceal, Its an unusual session to walk away feeling good rather than running for my bed, to hide from the world.   
Thanks 3r
I'm cheering too   
Journal
Still having sleep problems, it's not sleeping that's the problem, it's that at night I feel relaxed and content and enjoy my own company and I don't want to leave that feeling, I wake to anxiety, I've noticed I wake to what I've worked out are audible hullucinations, usually a family member calling for me or my ex, I jump up and check the house, no one, this has been happening for years at least 3-4 times a week, I'm anxious most of the day until after dinner, than with no responsibilitys left I seem to let go, every day I wake I dread the day ahead, so I end up staying up all night and sleeping 1/2 the day away, I was starting to think I was scared of sleeping or some part was scared of sleeping but I think it's more the dread of another day, having to interact with people, be a responsible adult, even things like eating annoy me, I stay up at night and do puzzles, read books, paint, drawer, listen to music, work on my parts, spend time listening to them, I feel safe (most of the time ) I visit oots, where I enjoy interacting in a way I never do irl, I never watch TV and may very rarely watch a movie, but often feel discontent watching any movie. I really enjoy the night and really despise most  days. Here stems the real reason I can't make myself go to bed or sleep.
Just realised this just now as I was writing, I should journal more 

[Sceal]

Ouf, lack of sleep and issues with sleeping makes all the other symptoms always so much worse to handle. Anxiety, fear, hypervigilance, hallucinations and all the other stuff.  I've struggled with sleep alot, I think alot of us here has, in periods of time. I guess you might have done so too at an earlier stage, even if this time it might be different. Do you recall what you did to improve your sleeping before?
i've found recently what has helped me calm me down is listening to classical music. of course it helps I enjoy it (although not all of it) and just listen to that, focusing on the tones going higher or lower, faster or slower and eventually the fear or the overwhelming thoughts starts to slow down and eventually doesn't exist anymore. Atleast for a little while. 
And maybe if that wouldn't work, maybe try some mindfulness - reminding you and your body where you are in the here and now? There's an app that's called Headspace that could perhaps be helpful. It's both free and you can pay for some of it, but that's no point if you're just trying it out. It'll take a few days before you'll see proper progress - but maybe it can help?
I hope it's okay I suggest these things, I know that sometimes when you're in the middle of it it's hard to think of things to do that'll help.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks sceal
I have the calm app which is very similar, I use it a lot it's good.
Journal
Saw my ex today, he's in a bad way, he got bashed when trying to stop a drunken idiot driving around a park running over people's belongings, when he parked ex took his keys, an argument started and someone off to the side said something when ex turned idiot King hit him in the side of the head, he was hit hard 3 times and knocked out, I watched the video a friend caught it all. My mothering instinct kicked in, I wanted to go look after him but I don't think that's a good idea either, I've been working on creating distance, I will go check on him tomorrow, he said he was ok but he has a concussion??  Argh, lots of conflicting emotions, well one good thing, I know I'm not depersonalising him and I do care for him, I just don't want to be his wife anymore,  I'm glad to be away from him.
On another note I've been doing a little renovating diy style, I'm quite impressed with what I've done and have rarely had the motivation to do such things myself before. It's quit enjoyable actually and I've got a little list of changes I can make around the house to make it more user friendly, storage, garden, that sort of thing. It's a strange thing I've always been told, I can't do what I want to do with respect to my house, I had to ask to do things and the answer was usually no, so I stopped caring, now I'm starting to care again     but there is still a little voice telling me ex wouldn't like it, but I'm ignoring it. It's nice to just do what I want 

[Wattlebird]

Been doing a lot of work with my parts over the last few days - a scary journey of self discovery, which has left me a little wordless....

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Well done for working with your parts - cheering you on with this.   
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks hope,
This week has been full of progress with me     it's hard to know how to explain it. I had a realisation and it was like the realisation that unlocked some parts, and all my parts showed themselves, and a lot about themselves. I feel like I can see myself much clearer I've been walking around slightly stunned, but not upset or off balance.
Anyway I'm thinking this is the self acceptance or radical acceptance that I've read about, it feels that way.
Well today I had lunch with some friends and they were talking about someone who "heard voices in their head" and how wierd that would be to hear voices, and I just casually commented that I heard voices, we chatted about it but I later thought, there is no way I would have told anyone this last week, but it didn't worry me at all today. Is this radical acceptance?  Or maybe I'll wake tomorrow cursing my stupidity     but I don't think so

[Blueberry]

This week has been full of progress with me     it's hard to know how to explain it. I had a realisation and it was like the realisation that unlocked some parts, and all my parts showed themselves, and a lot about themselves. I feel like I can see myself much clearer I've been walking around slightly stunned, but not upset or off balance.

[Wattlebird]

Journal
I have had a stressful couple of days, I found out a good friends bf is having an affair, and today I told her, I have never done something like this before, always choosing the avoidant path concerning conflict and emotions but I feel good to have done the right thing, I was so anxious, and after talking the problem through with another friend and having her backing my choice, felt confident enough to tell her. It went better than I expected, I was worried about an emotional outburst- anger, despair all that, but she took it with calm acceptance as she suspected him already and was already thinking of ending the relationship. He is a seriously dangerous narc / sociopath?  With anger and violence issues, I was concerned for her and a little for myself, but she understood all this and managed to break the relationship today with no anger or argument, what a relief, although I know there's bound to be some sort of backlash, but hopefully that is me being pessimistic.
So I'm pretty drained and tired but pleased at the best case outcome.

[Jdog]

It's always a good feeling, knowing one has done the right thing.  I'm glad you had the courage to tell your friend of her bf's betrayal.