Wattlebirds journal

[Hope67]

Welcome back Wattlebird, and I hope that you're having a relaxing and calming art work session.  Good luck with the therapist session tomorrow. 
Sending you a safe hug if that's ok 
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Its great that you were able to visit with your sister, and that it helped you deal with your T being away. That was a great idea. Take care!

[Wattlebird]

Thanks jazzy and hope I am thankful for the support 
My visit to my therapist went well, and was helpful with some problems this week has produced - I told her about a very tempting opportunity to cause myself more grief and she suggested an excellent solution which I enacted, I was quite proud of myself for 1. Telling her in the first place and 2. Taking her suggestion and actioning it.
I have been a bit bombarded with temptations this past week and have come through it without falling to any.
Such a relief to see this progress.
I also have been realising that my relationship with her has finally reached the point where I am being completely honest with her. It's taken 20 months of weekly therapy to get to this point. That is how on guard I am of trusting people.
I'm worried about the near future as both my parents now have terminal illnesses, I don't feel anything about this at present but realise I will have to face up to dealing with some more emotional turmoil shortly. I don't feel like I'm in any  way ready for any more turmoil, I've had a dreadful year in and out of the psych hospital and under community mental health assessments still.  I just dread the next blow one day , and wish them dead the next. Then feel guilty for being a heartless *.
such is life
Wb

[Blueberry]

I have the feeling I haven't seen you around for a while, Wattlebird. I'd just like to give you   

[Three Roses]

I was quite proud of myself for 1. Telling her in the first place and 2. Taking her suggestion and actioning it.

[Sceal]

You've worked hard for coming this far! But you've made it this far, so I have no doubt you'll get even further! You are a warrior.
I hope you get some time for peace to adjust to the new skills you have learned and developed before new challenges hit you.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
I agree with Sceal, you are a warrior, and  to you, as well as a couple of hugs, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thank you for the support everyone, thanks sceal for the warrior comment, and hope too, thanks blueberry for the hugs, and 3 roses you are as supportive as always thank you so much.
I've had a rough week but doing ok I'm dealing with it in a healthy way.
I'm a bit concerned with my frame of mind, the amount of intrusive thoughts is sometimes overwhelming. I've been trying to listen to my parts more this week though the suggestions some parts throw at me are highly destructive,  I wish my house would sell - I need to move away from this place. It's so triggering,
I need to remember that I've done well not to enact any of these suggestions, and thoughts are just thoughts, it's how I treat myself and others that counts.
Wb

[Jazzy]

I need to remember that I've done well not to enact any of these suggestions, and thoughts are just thoughts, it's how I treat myself and others that counts.

This is a very good point. Sometimes we can have terrible thoughts, but staying in control of our actions is the key thing. Good job staying away from destructive behaviour. 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks jazzy
Journal
I had therapy today and it was going ok, until later in the session my therapist told me that she will no longer be working there next year and we need to make plans to continue my therapy with her via other means I.e. Video conferencing or the like, I just went to pieces, I became very triggered, as I have severe abandonment issues, I could see she was very careful in reassuring me and worried as to how badly I would react. I felt guilty for my reaction - she reassured me on this too. She is going to ring me tomorrow to check up on me too, so why do I feel like *, she isn't dropping me as a client, actually I got the impression I'm the only patient she is dropping.
Its taken me the best part of 2 years to let down my guard with her, my head is a mess

[Three Roses]

Oh Wattlebird, how upsetting! So difficult. Your reaction is understandable given our backgrounds. I've had success with using affirmations in circumstances like this... In any case I hope you find some relief soon. 

[woodsgnome]

Building trust is an essential part of any movement towards recovery. So it's a serious blow to the system to find out this unexpected development. For now, at least there's the alternatives suggested by your T; perhaps this isn't ideal, but at least it's there and might help ease the pain.

One thing is still certain -- those of us here pulling for you, hoping there will be some way to keep up the progress you have shared. Keep up the self-care.

        

[Not Alone]

Very difficult news from your therapist. I understand your reaction. If I had received that news, I would have fallen apart too. I don't know if it would help to remind yourself that she cares and isn't leaving you (i.e. she is keeping you as a client).

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry Wattlebird     That would be really hard news for most of us I'm sure.  We are here for you, even though we obviously aren't therapists. 

[Wattlebird]

Thank you so much for the support all of you.
Yesterday was a awful day, I was badly triggered and very tempted to act out in ways that have previously been very destructive, not only to myself but others as well.
But I followed my crisis plan and got thru it, today I've been a lot better, I feel so good to have overcome thoses awful temptations last night that it's helped my self confidence a lot. I'm still struggling with the same temptation tonight though it's more manageable - my therapist checked up on me today and seemed happily suprised at my success (as am I)