Assertiveness?

[Erebor]

Hello everyone, 

I've wanted to make this post for a little while now. I'm gaining more awareness of the fact that I feel quite physically vulnerable and like a bit of a sitting duck.  For a while now I've tried telling myself the same things that Pete Walker suggests in his Flashback Management Steps, that I'm in an adult body now and can better protect myself... but no matter how much I tried to tell myself that, I can't believe I'm physically safer now than I was then.

*Slight TW, for physical abuse*


Actually, as I'm writing this I realise that when I was a child I was powerless to stop myself from being dragged about, but as an adult I'm not guaranteed to be physically helpless in the same way.  So that's good, if I can hold onto it - struggling with dissociation/flight/critic a lot at the moment, makes that difficult. But if I've got it written here then I can come back to it.  Though it's not enough.

Anyway, I'm a mostly freeze/dissocation type, and assertiveness seems to be a common and particular issue for people like me.  I have wanted to learn self-defense since I was very young, to protect myself and my family, and I keep wondering if that would help me learn to be assertive (in a healthy way) and further my recovery. I've heard people saying that it has brought up strong emotions that were difficult to deal with for some people, so it might be a bit tough.

I'm interested in hearing what other people here have experienced regarding assertiveness, what your journeys with it are like, what you've learned about it, and what has or hasn't helped you.

Thank you!

[saturnine]

I think that's a great thing to be aware of and good insight on your part to choose assertiveness as something you'd like to develop.

I'm also coming to realize that I tend to freeze/dissociate, and assertiveness has always been tough for me. I was raised in an environment where advocating for my needs led to being hurt in a variety of ways...somewhere along the line, I convinced myself I don't have needs. It helped me get through childhood, but all that continued self-denial in adulthood has been damaging.

The first thing that's helped me develop assertiveness is shrinking the inner critic and cultivating compassion through meditation. It's helped me see that under all my defenses and issues, there is a person worth saving and protecting. From a place of self-love, I've been working on identifying what my needs are because sometimes I'm not even aware of what i want or need. Then, if i can manage, I try to express what i want or need...i'm still not great at it, but theres a DBT skill called DEAR MAN which helps me a lot. Its basically an assertiveness script that you can use in any occasion. I recommend you google it if you're interested!

Best of luck in your journey, may we both grow to be more assertive

[Erebor]

Thanks saturnine, interesting to hear how you've started with developing assertiveness. I think I can recall reading that shrinking the inner critic and somehow angering are both important to gaining our self-protectiveness.

I've had a little look at the DBT DEAR MAN thing, seems helpful! Thanks for the tip. And yes, here's to being more assertive.

[Sasha]

Assertiveness has been huge for me. I have viewed it as an ongoing project for over 4 years and refer to it as assertiveness training. It is a process, for sure.

My biggest tools have been the following:

- Learning by heart and stating to myself "my feelings are important too".

- Taking the time I need to check in with how I feel, and using phrases such as "hmm I'm not sure right now. Can I get back to you about that later?" And "I need a minute to think".

- Noticing that there are some people who can hear my little voice of assertiveness (I don't want to shout or have conflict to have my voice heard) and some who can't. Removing myself where possible from those who just can't hear it.

- If I am forced to W have with someone who has a big voice and can't hear my little voice, I have to get  v e r y  c l e a r  about what I am saying and make sure I check in with myself and make my voice heard.

- being prepared for a backlash as a result of asserting myself, for instance people who are not used to me having a voice being rude or minimising about my thoughts and feelings.

- having a plan of action in the face of a backlash, for instance "no, I am not being [insert insult] and it is out of line of you to call me that. These are my feelings and they still stand."

- Having resources to fall on when I struggle to hear my own voice or feel uncertain. These include journaling, listing, speaking to objective 'listeners' (blahtherapy.com is good) and certain friends who are helpful at reflecting, reading to help me understand more about my feelings, taking time, allowing uncomfortable feelings to present and trying to adjust to these (anger is very uncomfortable for me, as it was repressed for a long time when I had no control as a child, but with practice I can feel it or access it more quickly now).

I wonder - what does the assertiveness you seek look like to you? If you visualise the assertive person you want to step into being, what do they look like? How do they behave? What measures do they take? What do they say and how do they say it? 

[Erebor]

I like your way of viewing it as an ongoing project and referring to it as training, Sasha.  Sounds like it makes it okay when things the critic would view as 'mistakes/errors' happen.  Congrats for tackling it!

- Learning by heart and stating to myself "my feelings are important too".

- Taking the time I need to check in with how I feel, and using phrases such as "hmm I'm not sure right now. Can I get back to you about that later?" And "I need a minute to think".

I think I could definitely take baby steps at practicing those two tools.  The first one, that our feelings are important too, is easy to forget with CPTSD, but I'm getting a bit better at listening to myself!  And those ways of giving yourself permission to step back from something and take your time are great tools to have on hand, too. 

I wonder - what does the assertiveness you seek look like to you? If you visualise the assertive person you want to step into being, what do they look like? How do they behave? What measures do they take? What do they say and how do they say it? 

That's an excellent question that makes me realise I'm not sure I know what my assertiveness would look like... although I think, interestingly, that in the past my imagined assertive me was reminiscent of my F, the only (and most) assertive person I knew.  A lot of food for thought with those questions, thank you Sasha.  They present a different way of thinking that's helpful to take my concept of assertiveness from a vague notion of being able to stand up for myself, to a fleshed out goal of where I want to head in interpersonal dealings.