New to the Forum; not to the Forest (or are those trees?)

[Knowunknown]

Hello all.

Ditto "Alone".  I feel ya there.  It is strange to move from "seemingly o.k." being with one's self to not being "seemingly o.k.", but very friggin' not o.k. with one's self.  As was also stated, it is hard to wake up to the reality of the PD'd persons who have seemed to be "loving us".  While I knew that my mother was abusive (my body continues to learn this), it took quite a bit longer to identify my father's failure to protect, and to try to understand how in the heck ....

I studied Psychology through the master's level; even worked as a therapist for a period before another "breakdown".  I hear writers in my mind now saying, "breakthrough?"  Not seeming that way.   I did realize that, as Pete Walker stated, and I must paraphrase, "As one Psychotherapist quipped, if C-PTSD were given its due, the DSM would shrink from the size of a large dictionary to a pamphlet".  So true that Psychology (The study of the "Soul) has, by way of reductionism, created such a hodge-podge of diagnoses based upon varied and changing symptom clusters- all on a continuum.  10-sessions and an SSRI is the protocol.  Crazy field coupled with "crazy me" doesn't mix well.  Disorders or Reorderings.  All the latter say I.  Clearly, I am trying to avoid the stigmas of some of the more stigmatizing diagnoses.  C-PTSD, however, seems to fit and I'm glad to see that while the APA doesn't see the validity of the diagnosis, the W.H.O. does.  If American Psychiatry/Psychology accepted it, then "treatment plans" and behavioral  health would eventually HAVE to change.  The body and the mind are one.  Enough of this rant...intellectualization has kept me from much of my healing as knowing is just not enough.  Experience.......argh!

I am 50-years of age.  My whole life has been seeking "the truth", and as I recall often drawing mazes as a youngster, I can see that this mind was already trapped and entranced (of course out of necessity) by understanding the incomprehensible family dynamics.  My deceased mother did not want children.  I was the 2nd and she apparently took diet pills while pregnant with me??  I looked it up.....had to be amphetamines.  So I've been on amphetamines since in the womb and obviously malnutritioned.  I was physically abused during toilet-training, and cannot find a picture of my mother and I in which she is actually touching this son whom she did not want.  The emotional and psychological torture I can sometimes imagine, and sometimes can feel compassion for "little e".  I have f'd up my life financially, relationally, and in many other ways.  Identification of triggers (rather than guilting myself for having them), dealing with the bodily sensations (emotions and otherwise) is very difficult.  I have read many of the threads herein and see that I'm not alone in this.  It can seem to me overwhelming trying to get help.  I've experienced re-birthing, mindfully-based therapy, a Vision Quest (showed just how "The Body Never Forgets"), and also how important it would've been to learn the emotional regulation skills beforehand (had a panic attack and thought leaving the VQ would be the end of my truth-seeking).  Not so lucky!  Have worked with Somatic Experiencing, Aryuveda, Cranio-Sacral therapy and Reiki.  No way out but through?!

I know this is probably tangential and not as revealing as I hope(d) to be, but it's an introduction of me/he who suffers to you/he/she who suffers, and, it seems, in many similar ways.

I wish for a new dealer...these cards suck.  I see my family sitting around the table and passing me the 2 of clubs in a game I remember called "F your neighbor".  Only I couldn't show a King to stop the passage.  The youngest of the family, I got it pretty bad and healing this seems a tall order.  I sometimes think that it's impossible; that the resources aren't there.  Support is difficult to find (here for that and to provide it I hope), trust is difficult because.....as it's hard to know "how" trustworthy another human can be; unconsciousness being the rule.

O.K. Enough for now.  Thank you for reading this and for any support you may be able to offer. 

"Psychology measures a person's adaptation to the society in which he/she finds themselves; no inquiry, however, is made as to that society's adaptation to the world as it is"- Hubert Benoit "Zen and the Psychology of Transformation"

Prayers and Blessings to all!

[Laura90]

Hi Knowunknown 

Great to have you here. The forum for me has become that wonderful collection of people that I know understand in such a compassionate way - that understanding through experience as you also put it, as well as knowledge.
I really hope you find kindness, reassurance of 'I know, it's Ok, even when we know the unfairness of this life is not ok' and people to 'sit with' when c trauma really zaps us and seems to work against us even when we try so flipping hard to recover.

Anyway I'm going on now...!  sorry!

Welcome and we're here.
Laura

[Libby183]

Welcome,  knownunknown.

Such an interesting first post.  You seem to have a great deal of knowledge about cptsd and associated disorders and to have thought deeply about all of its ramifications.

My mother was, like you,  an unwanted second child, born to a mother who did not want children. I believe that she desperately wanted me but found that she was unable to bond with me. Maybe linked to long family history of mental illness.  Like you, I have no memory of her ever touching me and I don't believe she ever did. 

I too studied psychology at degree level,  always looking for answers.  I understand myself now but remain deeply troubled about myself in relation to society.  I worry also that society / the system will never accept the concept of cptsd because that would mean having to have compassion for people who don't conform.  It would mean having to offer better treatment for sufferers.  I have never received any (stigmatising)  diagnosis,  but the speed with which I am shut down by any gp I see,  whatever the issue,  suggests to me that they have a good idea of my difficulties.  So despite rarely troubling the NHS,  I am judged unworthy of attention.  I so wish that they had been more honest with me years ago.

I think you will find a group of people here who can actually be trusted and I think you will have a lot to offer others.

All the best,

Libby

[Knowunknown]

Thank you both for your warm welcome!  I am both appreciative and quite saddened that I'm not alone in this. 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi KnownUnknown,

Welcome to the world of OOTS, where you can have meaningful kinds of conversation with people who understand.

You did really well to study psychology to masters level. Awesome!  I would have loved to have studied psychology, but my parents discouraged further education assuming I was not academic, when really I was just very stressed and confused, and needed to get away from them! Then my life went in another direction.

My whole life has been seeking "the truth", and as I recall often drawing mazes as a youngster, I can see that this mind was already trapped and entranced (of course out of necessity) by understanding the incomprehensible family dynamics. 

I hope you find the truth you are seeking. I think you will, if you keep going, continue learning and developing. Slow and gentle is best in my experience, gentle on you 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi knowunknown
It's good to have you here. Thank you for sharing your story and where u are at.
I studied / trained to be a psych nurse some yrs ago and the past 2 yrs have had lengthy time off to 'breakdown, breakthrough... breakout'. I'm now getting out of the profession. For me finding out about cptsd was a revelation and raised me up somewhat above the injuries into the awareness that this disorder was/ is the cause of my personal/ mental health and life struggles. Here in the U.K. I saw a child trauma therapist for 12 wks on the nhs and last yr I found a charity where I have been having 1-1 trauma support/ therapy. It is worth really exploring charities and services on offer in your area. I would always look up complex trauma but searching 'ptsd' or 'trauma' broadened my search . Like you I have done many healing modalities over the years but it's the specific help that I've needed for cptsd.
I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist last yr and that was v confirming to me. I hear cptsd will be going into the icd 11 as a diagnosis in its own right and I'm interested to see how that has an impact on informing diagnosis of people and the treatment they receive.
So many many of us with mental health problems have child trauma backgrounds .. popping out of the womb with a psych label doesn't seem very common !

There is a 12 step recovery fellowship that you could take a look at called 'ACOA' adult child of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. There may be a meeting in your area and resources on line. I've been to some meetings and I saw some good recovery work going on there. I

I'd say the core of the healing is about learning self compassion. Finding and developing the soft self nurturing part of us that can over ride any other parts / mind domination that come in and shrinking that inner critic. Coupled with relational healing and working with the triggers and flashbacks to increase our coping and self integration.

[Knowunknown]

Thank you to all of you for the warm welcome.  After reading your comments, and since I'm working toward navigation on this site, I will respond to the welcomes I have received, and to some of your comments/inquiries.

Yes, it seemed wise to continue with formal education.  Perhaps, however, one of my hopes therein was to uncover some staggering revelation that would clarify what "to do about my situation".  I did believe that be healing this self, I would then be in a position to help others in theirs.  C-PTSD was not on the radar while I was in school (graduated 2005), and PTSD as we all know was related solely to single incidents or combat veterans.  C-PTSD, when first I came across it, just seemed to fit, and I was truly blown away by it.  Perhaps that remains one of the difficulties---acceptance.  However, while I am in no way married to the empirically validated treatment modalities, it sure is incredible the sheer number of treatment recommendations, protocols, etc. that are out there; all with the caveat that there is no one-size fits all.  So, now that I have outrageous student loans, a lack of direction (my former goals all seem; well, former), and I think of myself as more broken than I had previously believed, I am truly feeling without any real hope.  One of the comments suggested focusing on fun and enjoyment.  Sports, weight-lifting, reading and writing about Psychology/Spirituality, parties, etc. have become barren.  As far as humor, more often than not I find myself looking at situations so deeply that the comedy of a situation has an overlay of "this sh-it isn't funny anymore".  I used to love Colbert and The Daily Show, but I cannot laugh about how absolutely ridiculous most of this stuff is, and that while laughing always feels great, I'm usually SMH and wondering what we/I are going to do about these things.  I used to have a pretty darned good sense of humor, always finding something funny in any given situation to laugh about.  Then, I started to question the defense mechanisms involved and laughing became.......absent.  I feel much more serious about just what I need to do for me, and I do feel quite alone, regardless of who is around.  "These people", get to continue to enjoy their lives, and laugh at other people's foibles while I feel each and every (o.k., certainly not every) poke at others from the standpoint of sadness at "our lack of compassion and empathy".  I also see mine slipping away as was also mentioned by a respondent about self-compassion.  I feel like I'm just ranting, so I appreciate you bearing with me.  One thing mentioned herein was about a one-to-one homelife with someone who gets it.  Reminds me of a former therapist Daniel Mackler (a youtuber) and his research into "safe houses" where people go to heal.  Mostly, these were in other countries.  I did note that ICD-11 will contain C-PTSD, but I don't have insurance, and in the U.S., treatment centers (g-d help me) are extremely expensive.  Meanwhile, the body is showing signs of increasing stress and I have read and read, meditated, practiced deep breathing, but I am a truly lost soul for now.  I am a 50-year old "man/boy" who is living with my widowed father (my non-protector during those pivotal times).  I used to take great care of my looks (narc?), and had a charisma and a seeming confidence, which have all now fallen away.  I'm left with "why go on?"  I think that perhaps ending this life with a large caption around or above me that says "C-PTSD is real" is as worthwhile as anything.  And yet, I try to have hope.   I remember OSHO speaking of hope versus hopes.  Much more general, and at times, these sayings let me leave things as they are....there is just no obvious "thing to do".  It is very hard to stay in the present moment, and my beautiful black Lab who died just over 2-years ago is probably still in my mind and heart, and missing her "Sammy", drives me to a gut-wrenching sadness.  I have done everything I know to deal with the grief that is part of losing a "friend" like that after 10-years.  Just so lost and alone, and while I'm here and writing this (which probably belongs in 10 different topic sections), I believe that face to face and one on one are necessary.  None-the-less, I appreciate your welcome, your thoughts and opinions and welcome your ideas and feedback.  I feel like words are just.......(Snow Patrol, the band comes to mind)

May you have peace, and thank you again.