Therapist caused emotional flashback?

[Whatno]

Feel free to move this to another board if needed: I'm new here, new to c-ptsd, new to it all.

I just learned about the fight, flight, freeze, fawn response (thanks Google and this website!) while I was searching around trying to figure out what is going on with me.

I've been in therapy for about 2 years and the last month or so my therapist has triggered what I now suspect is an emotional flashback. I don't think she knows its happening and I certainly didn't.

We had a good relationship before this. I felt like I could trust her and tell her things with only a small amount of fear over her reaction.

So I think what started this is about a month ago we had a disagreement about how I feel about something I did. She thought I was being to harsh on myself and I think I went into the conversation open minded and wanting to discuss but she reacted strongly. She was very adamant that I was wrong. I jumped into fighting until she essentially boiled it down to two things: I hurt her feelings by not trusting her judgment and I wasn't hearing what she said due to my ptsd.

So I about fell over myself fawning. I've never cried in front if her before that but I remember busting out crying and begging her to forgive me and I've been on eggshells since, just saying and doing whatever I can to stay in therapy and do what she wants. I was unable to function for days worrying that she'd never see me again.

A few things here:

-I understand at this point I may have a questionable therapist, however I'm motivated to work this out with her before moving on. I want to stop this pattern and confront whatever made me do this. I have a little hope that if we can get through this then it might strengthen our therapy.

-I think I'm seeing this correctly as an emotional flashback and my response being to fawn after the fighting didn't work. And possibly countertranferance on her side because of how she was so passionate about me being wrong and hurt over my beliefs about myself.

-how would you bring this up or try to heal this? My therapist is not very diagnosis focused. She accepts what the psychiatrist diagnosed but says she prefers to work on symptoms. I wonder if she would've seen what was happening if she kept my diagnosis more present? I'm terrified she won't listen at all. I'm scared I'm going to bring it up and immediately fawn before getting my point made. I'm scared to lose her too, despite being half in and half out the door and recognizing that she's not helping me right now.

[ah]

Hi Whatno 

I had the same reaction as you the first time I read about the fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses. The fawn one caught me by surprise and had such a deep impact on me.

These are just my subjective personal thoughts. Feel free to ignore if they don't help:

I totally agree with you... you may have a questionable therapist. 

I wonder, is she young?
I think she acted unethically and unprofessionally. She sounds trauma clueless and emotionally immature.
Also, it sounds like her method is pretty psychodynamic from what you mentioned. It may not be the best approach for cptsd. Or even for ptsd for that matter.

Everyone gets hurt at times, but not during a session when it's her job to put her own needs aside and focus on your own. You weren't there as a friend. It wasn't a two-way discussion where each side was fulfilling their emotional needs. She was supposed to be there for you.
No wonder you felt triggered. None of what she said and did sounds even remotely okay to me. Not at all. 

From your side, I agree it sounds like you were having an emotional flashback. And yes, if you're traumatized that will have left you more vulnerable than other patients to this sort of thing. If I were you I'd be very triggered too... I'd probably freeze and not say another word for the remainder of the session. 
But that doesn't absolve her of responsibility. On the contrary, she should be more cautious and kind to you. She should know better.

If you talk to her about it again, she may not acknowledge there was a problem and feel she has to justify her behavior to you and explain all over again why she was right and you have a problem. She may get into another confrontation with you to explain herself.
All of which would be understandable if you were friends meeting for drinks to talk something over, but not as your therapist.

You don't have to explain if you don't want to. You don't owe her an explanation. She doesn't have to understand or to agree with you for you to have every right to feel what you're feeling and to stand your ground. That's not a symptom of ptsd, that's just you being a person. You're allowed to disagree with others and you did nothing wrong.

I don't know her but maybe you could write her a letter? Thanking her from the bottom of your heart for everything that she's given you, and telling her you've decided to move on and look for trauma based therapy at this time. Or something.

Moving on doesn't cancel all the good that she's done, but she isn't knowledgeable enough or mature enough. You deserve better.
I hope you can find a wiser, more mature, emotionally able and far more trauma informed therapist soon.
There are different techniques you can try which may suit you much more. Some were developed specifically to help people who are traumatized. And many books and resources to learn what's going on with you, and to experiment with things that may help.

I'm glad you're here.

[Whatno]

Hi Whatno 

Thank you for the response. It's I big relief to know I'm not just being stubborn or ignoring her. She's actually an older woman in her 40s or so. When I first started I didnt know I was there for ptsd so I didnt pay much attention to her style or approach and to be honest I don't know what it is at all. I definitely question her ability with trauma though. With as much as she knows about my past she should have know better. I think anyway. I get so messed up in what people "should and shouldn't" know or do sometimes. My normal meter is way off but I think that must be kind of common for ptsd from childhood trauma.

You pretty much stated my fears. If I talk to her about this, what if it's the same thing over again and I end up more triggered and back in the fog I've been in all month?

Then again I want to address this. I want to overcome it. I don't want apology from her or anything. I just want to know that I can be triggered and turn it around you know?

You might be right about a letter. I email her often because of traveling for work so maybe I should work on writing something up.

Thanks for the input!

[sanmagic7]

hi, whatno, and welcome.

i'm a therapist and i agree with ah.  the therapist is not there for her feelings, but to help and validate you with yours.  she may offer an opinion (i think you're being too harsh on yourself), but it's just an opinion.  it could also be an opening for exploring and discussing just why you feel as harshly as you do, but there should be no judgment there.  you're entitled to your feelings no matter what they are.

sometimes we come to a point in therapy when we've gone as far as possible with that therapist, and it's time to move on.  i don't know if this is what's happening with you and yours right now, but it might be something to keep in mind.  while pursuing this in order to attempt to 'fix' it, i would be cautious.  go slowly, see how she reacts.  if she again brings her own feelings into it, as in you're supposed to be taking care of how she feels (you're not, in reality) or causes you to feel guilty for your reactions,  it may be a sign that you've gone as far as you can with her.

just my thoughts on this.  thanks for sharing and reaching out here.   best to you with this.  sending an encouraging hug to you. 

[Whatno]

just my thoughts on this.  thanks for sharing and reaching out here.   best to you with this.  sending an encouraging hug to you.

Thanks for sharing. At this point she clarified that she wasn't trying to bring her personal things into it, but she hasn't responded in any way at all to the way I took the entirety of what she said. I've tried to bring it up a few times, saying "hey did you notice that I did this the other week...is it possible that when people do this (insert what she did) that I tend to (insert what I did)?" She keeps dismissing it. I tried to ask if she wanted to focus on something specific, I wasn't sure if she was trying to keep me on track with something else but I think she either doesn't want to address it or doesn't see it. Either way I'm done with her. It sucks but I'm starting to understand I can't just hang on to people forever because I feel like I owe them something. She's not my friend. It's not a mutual relationship so when she's not helping me I need to move on.

Right?  I think anyway 

[sanmagic7]

it sounds completely logical to me.  especially with a t, who is supposed to be there for you first and foremost.   if someone isn't helping you (and, as far as i'm concerned, that goes for any relationship), even after you've attempted to discuss it with a goal of resolution, it's time to move on. 

i give you all credit for bringing this up to her, for giving it a shot, and for learning from the experience.  i hope you can give yourself credit for it as well.  leaving a t is never an easy decision to make, and it takes a lot of fortitude to do so.  i hope you'll be able to find someone who will help you continue with your healing from this point on.

sending love and hugs your way.