Trigger warning: CSA - Letter to FOO (not to send).

[Hope67]

Trigger warning: Mentioning CSA and child abuse.

This letter is written as part of an exercise in Mary Bratton's book about 'From Surviving to Thriving for Survivors of Childhood Abuse' and the exercise says:
Draw a picture or write a fable or poem showing why the abuse was not your fault.  (the intervention is said to be: Redefining abuse as assault, the Rationale: Confront minimizing and denial.  Reduce emotional connection between perpetrator and victim; and Result: Decreased minimizing and denial; diminished self-blame and guilt).

So this letter (not to send) is to my FOO (both my F and my M):

From Surviving to Thriving

p. 32 Mary Bratton's book:

Client exercise: Draw a picture or write a fable or poem showing why the abuse was not your fault.

This part directed to my F:
It wasn't my fault – I was a tiny small child – you were supposed to be looking out for me, looking after me, but instead you:
* invaded my space
* touched me inappropriately
* dismissed my feelings
* treated me like an object

You didn't have any regard for me as a human being.  You met your own needs by your behaviour towards me. 

You assaulted me – you didn't have any regard for my feelings, and it isn't right how you treated me. 

You knew what you were doing.  You knew it wasn't right.  You chose a time when noone else was around, because you didn't want anyone else to see.

You told me not to tell anyone, and I followed your instructions – I was too scared to tell – because there wasn't anyone safe around me that I could tell.

This part directed to my M:
It wasn't my fault – I was a tiny small child – you were supposed to be looking out for me, looking after me, but instead you:
* spent hours combing your long dark hair before the mirror – looking at yourself and how beautiful you were
* looked with contempt on any sign of emotion – thereby shutting me down to be the quiet and controlled baby and child – to not bring you any trouble
* gave harsh glares, hard stares, threats to silence me
* never gave me chance to communicate with you in any meaningful way

But I need you both to know – that I feel like my childhood was 'taken' from me – that you kept me frozen and suspended – unable to let out any emotion for fear of upsetting you – I had to tread on egg-shells constantly and push down the tension and angst that my little body felt – the things I'd seen, and the tension I felt – constantly day in and day out – snippets of memory surface – and my body kept the score.

It wasn't my fault – I was a little child – who scanned the faces of adults to seek out the kindness in their eyes – who recognised the harshness and lack of empathy in your own.  Only I didn't see properly at the time – I didn't know any different – and I followed your rules and your instructions – because it was the only way I knew.

But I know now that you assaulted me – in various ways, and over prolonged periods of time – and I acknowledge this – here in this 'letter' - what you did – both of you – it wasn't right."

Process: I feel very spaced out and dissociated now - but it is very hot weather - so that may not have helped.  But I am going to rest now, and I'm glad I managed to write something here.  I feel sick again and nauseous. 

Previously when I've read books, I've not tried (potentially avoided)  the experiential bits - but I know it's important to 'do' them, and I've tried my best to write something.

Hope 

[Phoebes]

This is awesome, Hope. It sounds like a helpful book. I love the idea of reframing the abuse as assault. I forget how serious the abuse was/is. Are the exercises in the book not to be sent, or are any to be sent? Just curious. I'm always back and forth about whether to say anything or if it's all just between me and myself.

[Hope67]

Hi Phoebes,
Thank you.  I am pleased to have the book - although it was very expensive - but I figured it was cheaper than therapy, and would be helpful - which is why I bought it.  I haven't looked at the other exercises yet - I have literally just started to read the book, and it was the first exercise.  I put it here in this part of the forum, as I decided to write it in the form of a letter (not to send), but literally the exercise just asked me to draw a picture, or write a fable or a poem.  It was me that decided to do it in the form of a 'letter' (not to send), as I've seen this section in the forum before, and used it in that way.

Hope that helps - and I hope that you are ok. 

Thanks for your reply.  I have written a bit more about the book in the section of the forum that is about books - so maybe have a look there - but I looked at the content via Amazon, as it allows you to look at the chapter titles etc - and that way you can see if the book appeals to you or not.  That was how I chose it, plus the recommendation of someone in the forum - unfortunately I forget who that was, but I am grateful to have got it.

Also, regarding 'seriousness' of abuse, I found this paragraph by Mary Bratton very useful:

"Any kind of childhood abuse violates the child's quest for safety, which is second only to food and shelter on Maslow's hierarchy of needs (Maslow,1970).  The core of a child's world - the home - is not safe when the very people put on this earth to protect the child at the worst abuse adn at the least fail to defend him or her.  Childhood abuse damages and alters a child's perception of self, others, and the world.  Those damaged and altered perceptions affect each suqsequent developmental task."

Also, in p.6 she says "There is no single trauma, and no single level of trauma, that has to happend before PTSD symptoms can occur.  Sometimes an event that is traumatic to one person is not as devastating to another, given differences in surrounding circumstances and support.

***Trigger warnings - mentioning CSA and some more graphic descriptions

When she talks about assault, Mary  states "There are many weapons of assault - guns and knives and sexual organs, sticks and belts and hands, mouths and faces and voices.  Kicking, punching, slapping or beatings with wooden spoons or yardsticks are assaultive.  Spankings that leave marks are assaultive.  Being made to stand on one leg for hours or kneel on a grate is assaultive.  In some circumstances, even silence is assaultive.  Words, looks, and gestures can be just as damaging as guns, knives and baseball bats.  In fact, they are perhaps the most vicious weapons of assault because they leave no visible wounds.  Instead they tear the heart and leave it to bleed."


Phoebes, I hope you didn't mind my expanding on things, but when you said about 'how serious the abuse was/is' - it's part of recognising that it's a wide ranging thing.


Hope it helps.

Hope 




Hope 

[Phoebes]

Thanks so much, Hope for elaborating on that and sharing what you read and feel. I have spent the majority of my life minimizing those horrible glares, gestures, tones, things said, as well as the physical abuse to go with it. I understand now and it leaves me even more flabbergasted that my Nm has re-written the narrative to make it sound like to the family I have always just been too sensitive and now unforgiving. which is why my NC has apparently wrecked the family, according to her. I have to keep reminding myself, and your shared paragraphs really help define, what it is I never got to defend myself against, and what I'm dealing with now.

The only twinge of question I have it that I've heard over and over "spankings that leave a mark or bruise, etc" are abuse. I know I had many a whipping that left be red and whelped, but I don't know that there were actual bruises or injuries that others would notice, unless they happened to be in the house at the time, because it was almost always in private and plenty of time before dad got home. I know for myself those were abusive too..it was much more the terror and betrayal and horrible words along with it that made it worse.

[Hope67]

Hi Phoebes,
to you, if that's ok, and I am sad to hear that you experienced those things.

Personally, I agree with you that the behaviour your describe sounds extremely abusive, regardless of whether there were any marks on the body - and I think that Mary Bratton is saying that all forms are assaultive and abusive.  But I'm just starting to read the book, and so I'm just trying to negotiate my way through it.

What is coming across to me though, is how much I have minimized things, but Mary Bratton explains why that happens, as it's a defense mechanism to help a child to survive - and she says at one point "There is no generic formula for healing because there is no generic survivor.  Some survivors find themselves stuck unless they confront the abusers.  Others are able to heal using journalling and role-play and psychodrama exclusively. 

I suspect I will be aiming for the latter, as I don't think that confronting my FOO will be of benefit - I've been estranged from them for a few years now.  But I'll see how I feel when I have worked through the book.


I'd like to wish you strength, Phoebes, because I realise your Nm is trying to re-write the narrative, and that's tough to try to negotiate that - but 'your' narrative counts.  She was always the adult, and you were the child, and therefore none of what happened to you as a child is your fault.  Mary Bratton says "The unpredictability and irrationality of childhood abuse, coupled with denial, is a fertile breeding ground for post-traumatic stress disorder."  She mentions Judith Herman's C-PTSD (complex PTSD) and I am grateful that she is aware of that - and how it relates.
 

So far, the book has been helpful to me.

Sorry I'm writing so much - but I appreciated your reply, Phoebes, and thank you.

Hope 

[Phoebes]

Thank YOU, Hope. 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I skim-read your letter and just want to say I'm really impressed how plainly and directly you are able to state what your M and F did to you. It sounds like a difficult time for you atm but I hope it brings you healing! 

[Hope67]

Thank you for your validation, Blueberry.  I appreciate that you said that.   
Hope