Newbie - SO has CPTSD, I wanna help and support him.

[miniftw]

Hi I hope its ok me posting here...Im 24 my so is 28 and we've known each other about 10yrs been together almost 5. My SO hasnt been officially diagnosed with c-ptsd but we are both certain this is what he has after experiencing pretty much constant neglect or abuse of some kind until we managed to move him out of his "family" home in 2013. I would say his symptoms are very bad at the moment. He has agoraphobia so goes out very little, is very isolated as has no family (since they were part of the problem lets say) so i am the only person he interacts with on a regular basis. His anxiety is too bad for him to attend appointments at the moment. We started going to our community mental health team (the end of last year) which is part of the NHS in the UK but the nhs resources for mental health in the UK are very poor and he decided that he did not want to continue, especially since the psychologist he was supposed to see prescribed him prozac before he even attended a single appointment with her. He cant take medication as it unfortunately is a trigger to him (anything mind altering) since he got heavily into drugs as a teenager and had a breakdown and had to be institutionalised around age 15/16. Anyway so at first we thought it was ptsd but as i was researching that i came across complex ptsd and started researching that instead. We bought the new book by Bessel Van Der Kolk for him to read (as i heard very good things about him being the worlds foremost expert on psychological trauma and his views on certain things line up very much with my so's) im hoping we can get a private psych for him in the future who specialises in trauma but we're not at that stage yet. I really want to help him more, seeing him in so much emotional/psychological pain tears me apart and i feel useless. Today is particularly bad...he cried (which is rare)he said he was sad, that he cant feel anything good, he wants to feel something good but he just cant. I didnt know what to say to that, i didnt want to say the wrong thing and add to his pain, i didnt say anything, i wanted to hold him but i know he doesnt find that helpful, anyway he told me to leave him alone, he has gone back to bed now (its like 4:30pm here so daytime) im hoping the rest will make him feel a little better (though i doubt it) but he had very little sleep last night and i dont think that helped matters. I was wondering if anyone has any advice about this, about not being able to feel good things, only pain and sadness? Anything that has helped, anything i can do to help? I cant just carry on as normal when he is suffering so much.

[Kizzie]

Hi Mini and a warm welcome to OOTS , I am so sorry to hear what you and your SO are going through  .  It's great that you have reached out and I hope being here will help you both although we are not therapists so please keep that in mind regarding any advice/guidance you receive.  We have, however, been where you are both at, him feeling incapacitated and you feeling helpless (as many of our partners have).

Is he reading the book you bought and how is he finding it?  It may help to see that what he is feeling is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation and that his symptoms are common to people who grew up in an abusive/neglectful home.  By help I mean that he won't feel so responsible and alone, and to hopefully ignite a spark of hope that what he is suffering from is treatable.

Would he be willing to read through some of this forum do you think and perhaps try posting?  It makes such as difference for so many of us as we begin to to realize that CPTSD symptoms are explainable, very common to people who grew up in and abusive/neglectful home (many of us think we're defective or crazy or weak or any number of negative things before we find out about CPTSD), and best of all that we can and do recover!

There is a lot of information about CPTSD here and at a web site by Pete Walker who is a therapist who has CPTSD himself http://www.pete-walker.com/.  Many of us find we can really relate to what Walker writes.  I would also suggest two books I'm currently reading.  One is "It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion" by Beverly Engel.  I like it because it emphasizes being compassionate with yourself, something most of us with CPTSD have to work at as you are seeing in your SO.   The other is "It's Not You, It's What Happened to You: Complex Trauma and Treatment" by Dr. Christine Courtois (2014) who is another leading traumatologist who writes about and works with CPTSD. 

I hope that some of this is helpful and again, welcome to OOTS, we're glad you found your way here to us 



   

[chiraheally]

HI Miniftw, wanted to add my weclome too.  i feel saddened to read your post.  I send you and him wishes of light at the end of this dark dark tunnel.  i hope you find many resources to make it easier to get through this, I am constantly amazed at how much beauty there can be in pain and suffering when you see it in the light many people who have come through describe it.  This process is making both of you into deeper, richer people.  I can already hear through your words that you are sensitive, intelligent and extremely caring.  learning to love, to believe in the person, without trying to rescue is an art, where self love allows us to keep filling our tanks to then give to others.  I wish for you what i am now at 45 trying so desperately to learn: to perceive my own needs not just of those i love.  I would love it if your SO also posts, when he comes out of his deep dark place.  I send you a big hug along with my welcome and look forward to exchanging our experiences. (I am also new here and so far am really grateful to have found this place).

Chira

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Miniftw, pleased to meet you.    I haven't got much to add, just that I agree with Chira about the importance of taking care of your own needs too. This can't be easy for you. I hope things get better for the two of you very soon.