Communication is so painful.

[Libby183]

I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice about this, not new, but increasingly strong feeling.

I get along OK with my husband and two grown-up sons who live with us,  and my daughter who lives a few hours away. We see her every few weeks and message almost daily. We all rub along quite nicely.

But with regards to other people,  I simply can't cope. Every interaction, whether it be with neighbours,  fellow dog walkers,  whatever,  seem so fraught with upset.  I just want to avoid any dealings with anyone.

I've tried to pin-point what exactly is the issue,  and essentially,  it's my old enemy "invalidation".  Every dealing I have with anyone leaves me feeling unheard e.g. I often listen to a neighbour complain about the parking problems around the school we live close to. I sympathise so was upset when I mentioned the three near accidents I had in one day,  trying to drive from my house.  I was shut down so quickly and said nothing. 

I know it is nothing in the grand scheme of things and other people might not even notice, but I was so "destroyed"  by it. Why when something happens to me, does it become of no consequences but when it happens to someone else it's so worthy of support and understanding.   This is just one recent example.

I accept that this type of thing is just down to my "over -reactivity"  so I am left with the dilemma,  do I continue to avoid social contact more and more as I have been doing or do I force myself to interact,  even though it is so painful for me? 

Any advice / different ways of looking at this gratefully received.  I am utterly confused with myself!

Thanks for listening.

Libby.

[movementforthebetter]

In my experience, only sometimes is it a case of overreacting. Sometimes it's a case of underreacting... Not enforcing boundaries.

If you find yourself limiting interactions with certain people, you probably are enforcing boundaries. Some people need to be the star of every interaction, without any awareness of how draining that is on others. With some people I have to say I wasn't finished, or bring them back to what I was saying. Or just limit contact.

One thing that may ease this, although it's an unpleasant thought exercise, is to examine the expectations for certain interactions. If I am talking with a neighbour, I might rather think they don't much care... They're preoccupied with their own lives. As I probably am with my own. I can  think of times I may have behaved in the same way. And why was I expecting more from them?

Unfortunately this can come a cross as cynical at times and can make it hard to have authentic interactions. I've become more misanthropic over the years.

I empathize because I struggle with this all the time, too. I find that frequently conversations or other interactions can progress too quickly, so that these invalidating moments pile up before I can even catch, let alone process them.

Not sure this helps, but I wish you well and am curious what other ways of dealing with this people have tried.

[Libby183]

Thank you so much, MFTB.

Everything you said is really helpful and very validating.

You are absolutely right about the role of expectations and I am increasingly making myself aware of this, and it helps enormously. If someone I know a little seems "off"  with me, I can reassure myself they are pre-occupied or whatever. You've reassured me that I am on the right track there.  A lot of the time,  I am relieved that I don't have to chat.

Moreover,  I see exactly what you are saying about boundaries,  with regards to this neighbour I talked about.  Yes, I am enforcing boundaries.  I should view it like that. It is the neighbours who view me as someone to talk to about themselves.  I let them do it because I want to be polite and feel a bit sorry for them because they are probably lonely.  Result,  I feel rotten about myself and them. Not healthy at all.

It's so helpful to get other people's input and I'm hoping,  like you, that we get some more ideas and pointers.

Thanks again.

Libby.

[sanmagic7]

hey, libby,

i've had similar experiences.  like mftb mentioned, i've found that some people are so self-centered, they don't have time or room for what's going on with me.  these people i've put in their own category - they're ok for general chats about the weather, or, for one example, i played cards with a woman like this, and that's where she stayed in my life.  but i kept a distance from discussing anything personal with them cuz i, too, felt rotten and shunted to the side after trying to have a true, meaningful conversation with them.

some people i've ended up avoiding or eliminating from my life.  their problems are always bigger or worse whenever i bring up something about myself.  sorry, but i need more reciprocity than that.

some don't realize what they do, but are very amenable to being told - wait, i have something to say here.  will you listen for a minute?  and then will listen and give feedback or support or whatever. 

a very few have i found with whom i can have an equal give-and-take conversation.

so, i put people in categories and have learned how to recognize where they belong more easily and quickly than before.  if they're invalidating and don't respond well when i tell them i'd like to speak about my stuff, or try to bring them back around,  i now pretty much stay away.  not worth it, don't like the feeling (like you said, rotten), and at this stage of my life, i don't have time or energy for this crap. 

if they do respond well, i keep them around.  they may not be naturals at the conversation thing, but they're willing to do something different if prompted.  i'm ok with that.

sending love and hugs, sweetie.

[Libby183]

I really like that,  San Magic. Putting people into groups, based on how they make you feel and avoiding those who make you feel rotten.  I need to get better at making a decision about people and sticking to it.

It's really odd, but having been thinking about this for a while and posting about it, I then had a really bad experience when I took my dog for a walk earlier today. My dog was badly attacked by a dog who has attacked her twice before. She is OK but has many bite marks over her.  The owner was very defensive and I was left feeling it was all my fault.  I have cried all day out of sadness for my dog and sadness that I feel I just can't trust anybody.  I can't even risk taking my dog out any more,  I feel so vulnerable even though I try to get through life without upsetting anybody.

I think that ever little upset is just piling on the ones before and I'm not sure how I am going to get over this.

Thanks for listening.

[Hope67]

Hi Libby,
I have been thinking about you today - because I read your post earlier today - but I wasn't feeling all that up to writing much - so instead I was thinking about things instead.  I am so sorry to hear you've had that horrible experience today with your dog - I'd like to send a warm and very gentle hug to you and your lovely dog  - I know you're feeling very vulnerable at the moment, and that you feel like you can't take your dog out again - but I really hope that you'll maybe feel a bit better tomorrow and look on it all with fresh eyes - because it would be awful to be feeling as if you couldn't go out.

I suspect that the owner of the dog was defensive as they realise they were in the wrong - and I feel sure that some people would complain and report that dog owner for not being more careful. 

Libby - I hope you are able to get through this and realise it's NOT your fault - you're just trying to live your life, and enjoy a walk with your dog - which you have every right to do.

to you Libby.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i totally agree with hope that this dog incident (which, by the by i think is horrible!) was not your fault at all.  i would think that owner could be reported, if you're up to it.  that dog is dangerous and needs to have a muzzle on in public.  i'm not at all a fan of irresponsible pet owners (i've had many, many pets in my life, and i did muzzle one of my dogs in public.  good watch dog, but way too protective of me).

what a terrible experience.  i really feel for both you and your pet.  that should never have happened.  maybe, if you don't feel like reporting this (i don't know who you'd talk to.  the cops?  animal organization?) per se, you could still call some official and ask what you can do to protect your pet from this happening again.  it would possibly help you feel some sense of empowerment in this situation, and that could help ease that sense of vulnerability.

just some thoughts.  i hope this never happens again.  sending love and a hug filled with compassion, libby.

[Libby183]

Thank you so much, Hope and San Magic, for your concern and support.

My dog is OK - the wounds are all healing nicely but she is definitely nervous now. She used to want to "say hello"  to virtually every dog she met but now she seems to be ignoring the few we do pass. Not hostile,  just uninterested.  I have not got my confidence back at all and am just walking her in places where we are unlikely to see many people.  The hot weather has made it easier to avoid.

I told my neighbours, who I mentioned in my original post,  about this. They expressed some concern about my dog but they failed completely to even grasp my upset at the other dog owner putting the blame on me. I had no expectation otherwise but it's a shame, when I give them lots of concern and support.

I can't really see a way ahead at the moment.  I have so little trust in people and this dog owner, who I have been on friendly terms with when we met on dog walks, has just reinforced this even more that I think I just need to protect myself for now. Perhaps I will get stronger in time.

Thank you so much for giving me a place to talk around these worries. It does make such a difference.

Hugs.

Libby.