Memories...

[mourningme]

I am a victim of childhood SA and incest by more than one of my own family members. Recently I joined this forum in search of ONE OTHER HUMAN who can understand me..and what I have come to know now as my cptsd. I have several years of abuse beginning at the age of 4 years old all the way into adulthood.
I had made it to the age of 35 (now) holding out and running hard from this tidal wave that was trying to drown me.  I am in the middle of the ocean now.

The memory that won't leave me alone today is one of my blood uncle flipping the script on me after being a "funny uncle" to me and teasing me growing up. Nothing innapropriate as a child. I feel I need to point out that my SA/incest perpetrators were first my step-grandfather, and then my older brother. Not this uncle.
However, the last time I saw him before he died was at a big family gathering at his house. Of course me being one who desperstely clings to the idea of an actual safe family, made the drive to hang out with my family. During a brief moment where I just happened to enter the kitchen and we were alone, he made a pass at me.
He made a point of looking long at me up and down and said "I swear to God (my real name), if you weren't my niece...man"


I was stunned and immediately shame filled as if my cowboy hat or my skirt somehow invited this.  This disgustimg comment from YET ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER regarding how much they would like to have sex with me.
And not long after that he passed away unexpectedly.  I have been thinking of this and being quiet all these years whenever my dear aunts get all teary eyed and raving about L. and how much they miss him
.....and I am TRAPPED AGAIN protecting my abusers image to other family members. I am so confused as to why I was a target for so many ppl in my family? Why me? WHY ME?
I'm in so much grief I cant even breathe.  I dont understand how I even have tears left but they never stop.

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry, mourning me. Gentle  if it helps. If that feels unsafe, then I take them back.

When we're abused it's not because we did something wrong or dressed wrong or something. It's all on the abuser. There are often more victims too. My siblings were both abused sexually too, but they deny it. So you may not be the only one in your extended family.

I was in regular contact with FOO as well and would put my injured inner children into their inner safe places (imagination work) so that I could be in the same building as my sexual abuser (my M). I also found it really difficult trying to have 'normal contact' and being the only one who thought what happened was abuse since my siblings don't. Although the abuse didn't continue into adulthood, well not really, not in the same way, it was still uncomfortable being around M.

I've now radically reduced contact. I allow emails only. I just can't stand being the only one in FOO who sees all the crap and doesn't just deny it.

In a family where abuse takes place, there are secrets: abuse is probably recognised in some form or other, but the abuser is/abusers are protected, allowing more and more abuse to take place. It's a sick, dysfunctional system.  It isn't your fault. You did nothing to provoke it.

[Dee]

I know these things run rampant in families.  The dysfunction allows for the perfect storm.  When my primary abuser died, I had other family members tell me it happened to them too.  Then I some how felt responsible for that too.  It took until I was 44 to hear it.  Also, unless family members own their own stuff, are willing to work on themselves, and stop blaming others it is never going to be the family you want.  I have had such a hard road of discovery, constantly hopeful, then disappointed, the used, and back to being hopeful.

I'm sorry.  To me is sucks that the people who need the most support don't have the family to offer it.  They don't because it was that family that led to the need in the first place.

[mourningme]

I'm so sorry, mourning me. Gentle  if it helps. If that feels unsafe, then I take them back.

When we're abused it's not because we did something wrong or dressed wrong or something. It's all on the abuser. There are often more victims too.

I was in regular contact with FOO as well and would put my injured inner children into their inner safe places (imagination work) so that I could be in the same building as my sexual abuser (my M). I also found it really difficult trying to have 'normal contact'

Hi Blueberry, thank you for your message. I really resonate with all of your post not just quoted bits. I really appreciate your understanding.
I cant believe how IDENTICALLY I have coped with being around my abuser (older brother) with exactly what you said. I have just reached the point now that I realize I am cutting contact with FOO. I didnt consciously do it, but just a few weeks ago I did not attend my nieces 4th bday party (at brothers house) because I just CANNOT do it anymore. It is too hard on me to be around him and I chose myself this time instead of holding up the image for everyone else- what I have ALWAYS done. Sacraficed my true inner feelings and pain to make everyone around me content.  I just cant anymore....just wont. I dont know what the future holds and my biggest worry is how to maintain  a relationship with his 4 children without having one with him.  That really keeps me awake at night bc I just want them to know how.much I love them...and obviously cant reveal to them the reason I HATE their father....its all too much.
Thank you for saying the part about what I was wearing.  For some reason I really really believed that my outfit was part of the reason that he all the sudden turned abusive to me when he didnt cross that line before. It really shook me up. And of course the instant protection of him...and I mean instantly within minutes back outside with the rest of the group as though he didnt just rip away my entire idea of him as a proper uncle.   Just so damaging to me. So so damaging.

[mourningme]

I know these things run rampant in families.  The dysfunction allows for the perfect storm.
I have had such a hard road of discovery, constantly hopeful, then disappointed, the used, and back to being hopeful.

I'm sorry.  To me is sucks that the people who need the most support don't have the family to offer it.  They don't because it was that family that led to the need in the first place.

Hi Dee and thank you so much for taking the time to resond to me. I agree with your message and it really helps to see others who understand. I feel so alone, lonely, lost etc etc that speaking with you and others really is something I now look forward to. I hear you when you say that somehow you felt responsible for the abuse done to others in your family. You werent at all responsible.  Your abuser was the person solely respondible. But I can deeply resonate with feeling responsible.  I am starting to figure out that I was manipulated into my abuse but if I am honest I have always carried the burden of the "fault" myself. I have always felt responsible for the abuse done to me and it has exponentially increased my suffering bc I never spoke for decades precisely because I thought it was me, all my fault.  I hope that one day I can believe it wasnt. But it feels like I would have cut my leg off or something it is that much a part of me. 

[mourningme]

So the thing that really bothered me about this memory was why it all the sudden wouldnt leave me alone the day before yesterday....it isnt something Im focused on right now, its part of the bigger picture but for whatever reason it was all I could think about.  Now today I see it is the 10 year anniversary of this uncles death so bring on the posts about how loved and missed said uncle is. 

Is it possible my mind somehow knew this was coming up? Its not a date I have committed to memory but now just feel spooked because it was how much it was in my mind a couple days ago....it was a very bad day reflecting on what I wrote about in the post and today now I feel like his picture is triggering me of course,  but Im not sobbing today....Im numb to his image...dissociation...you know the drill.
Was my memories 2 days ago my mind trying to protect myself from today and his images and all the kind words about him...was this me protecting me? Did my subconcious remember his death anniversary coming and thats why his abuse came back to my mind so strongly? I know that these arent questions that can be answered, but do you know what Im trying to say? Im confused all the time by my EFs and real life. I am spooked.