Yeah that, (Annegirl's journal)

[Annegirl]

Im afraid to talk to my T. She's really lovely and understood even when I sent her an angry email a couple of times but there is so much pressure all around me to get over everything and not go over my past. My mother always talked about her past abuse and although I don't talk about it to my children I talk about stuff I feel angry about with my husband. He was the one who alerted me that it was abnormal for my mother to attack me like a crazy woman and scratch me all up my arm the day before the wedding, I simply thought all mothers have their moments but mine had a right to as she had had such an awful upbringing.

My aunty came back from NZ and talked about my parents to me. She was going to tell them that she thought I had been badly treated as its complicated but they don't let me visit and I don't want to go. I haven't been home for 8 years and it seems like 8 minutes. Anyway aunty comes back and tells me my parents are "longing" for me..... and that my mother wants me to come by myself. (chilling and confusing) and that news started my facial tic coming back, although its slowing down again after I wrote a few songs. There is no way I will ever go back there on my own, part of the reason I love my husband so much is because my mother is afraid of him. So I feel much safer from her if he is around. Also I wouldn't leave my still breastfeeding little one ever. And my father hasn't met 2 of our children. What does that tell me about them? Im not sure, I can't understand or make sense of anything right now. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh joy. I think I'm developing a sympathetic tic from just reading this. Yikes. Poor Anne. I hope you're able to take things a bit easy and recover a bit from this. 

Now, this comes probably from the books on narcissism that I'm currently reading, and it's possible that I'm now seeing narcissism everywhere... but the first thought that jumped into my mind was: "What if her parents simply wanted to look good in front of her aunt?" What do you think, is it possible that your parents simply said the tactically advantageous thing? They realized they were in big trouble with your aunt, so they said something to get back out of it?

Your aunt was going to confront your parents with what they'd done - criticizing them, in short. Making your parents look bad. Making them feel bad about themselves. Making them realize that their relationship with your aunt was at risk. But "oh, it's a just a misunderstanding, of course we long for our daughter" - ah, now suddenly your parents look wonderful, no? Your aunt has no more reason to say accusing things: the problem has gone away. Your parents' relationship with your aunt is intact. Maybe your parents were even able to get some sympathy and respect from your aunt.

Another thing is, are your parents really self-aware enough to realize what exactly it is they're doing? We always suppose that our abusers are in fact rational people. We assume that they're aware of what they're doing, that they have their reasons, that they have a clear view of what's happening to us, that they're able to later reflect on our relationship and see it for what it is. But in her book Controlling People, Patricia Evans says that this is, in fact, not the case. Abusers are not acting rationally. They're following their instincts. It's all unconscious or semi-conscious. We don't enter into the equation at all. They can't see us. They won't see us. What matters to them is just how they feel about themselves. Even when they've been snide or openly dismissive or something - if it gave them that warm golden glow of being in superior and in control and able to ease their bad feelings by striking a target that can't hit back - why, then that talk was a good talk.  What reason then to think "oh, my poor child, I've been so mean/withdrawing/rejecting towards her"? To think all that, they would have to be aware of you.

Your parents have treated you abominably. They're unreliable, callous, and rejecting. A venus fly trap is and stays a venus fly trap, no matter how many times it calls itself a turnip. Like you said: first they claim to long for you - but then you're to come without the one person who can make sure that nothing bizarre happens? They're oh-so-loving - but it doesn't enter their heads that you'd have to leave your baby (their grandchild!) alone for how many days?

I'm sad to hear that you're having to deal with all that sh*t yet again. All the best to you, Annegirl, and three cheers for your scary husband. 

[Anamiame]

It's a trip, isn't it?  Think about it...you are still breastfeeding and they want you to LEAVE that baby--in other words, it's nourishment--and come visit THEM???  REALLY?   

First off, I interject myself here--cherish every moment with that baby.  It seems like yesterday I was in your shoes and now they are grown and gone.    

Back on topic...think about it from where I am as a Mom now (you WILL be here soon enough, I promise)...would you E.V.E.R expect your child to come see YOU and leave their nursing babe at home?     It makes such logical sense to us.  And it's at times like this that reality just punches you in the face as to how OFF these people are!!!      Your mother should be visiting you to take care of you; not the other way around. 

Thank GOD for your hubby.  You are so blessed that he sees things how they really are. 

[Annegirl]

Hi SC, Thank you so much for your reply, I really see so much sense in that they are not actually doing it on purpose. Just being the way they are, and thank you so much Anamiame, this is true, eye opener but never occurs to them or me that maybe they could possibly come, but yes I would much prefer they come to me.
I haven't been on here the last two days have been a little tumultuous.

So back to the journal, The day after I wrote this my husband who has uCPTSD but is mostly supportive and does definitely see sense with my family's relationship, but he also has his days like we all do and he started yelling at me and to make a long story short I tried to breathe, keep the peace listen calmly, validate all the things my T taught me to do, but when he turned off the classical music for the 2nd time (the only thing that was helping me stay calm) and picked up the radio and held it above his head almost smashing it to the ground I couldn't handle it and started self harming, something I haven't done in years. I spoke to my T yesterday and told her the whole story, she strongly urged that we see her as a couple for double sessions, I told her I asked him twice and he might so Im praying he will. She helped me SO much and empowered me and encouraged me. She always shows me she is here whenever I need. Which really helped me a lot and took away a lot of stress.

I never want to forget what she told me, that I have overcome and am overcoming so much. A strange/crazy mother, trying to adapt to a different cultural marriage and also trying to overcome the enemies inside me. She told me a lot more very encouraging things.

[Kizzie]

That's wonderful that you have such a great T Anne, I hope the double sessions help. 

[Annegirl]

Thank you Kizzie.

Back to Journal;
Today is calming down now I have been busy which is very helpful for me, my husband had a go at me this morning and i don't know what is happening to me as I can't handle a thing at the moment. It was worse too and it made me worried afterwards if I'm getting worse instead of better. But Im feeling very happy right now like nothing even happened and we managed to save a baby Cockatoo and it is making friends with our other parrot.
I have an appointment with my T next week so I'll tell her about my self harming worries if i remember.

I plucked up the courage to tell my husband about that his yelling at me is causing me to self harm. I asked him how he feels when i yell at him, as i wanted to have empathy as i know he could have cptsd too. He said it doesn't bother him as e knows everyone gets angry sometimes. Thing is i react when he yells at me and end up shouting back. Im going to do my best not to yell back though but this is what has been causing me to cut myself instead.

Anyway i explained to him that every day at home i and even as an adult i had a lot of bad situations and never had time to process the stress and so when he shouts at me i can't deal with it. He said "I'm so sorry i have been thinking about that i should be giving you less stress rather than more"
Thats the first time he has really listened to me and i have told him how it is because its the first time ive clearly seen what is going on. My husband said he will try not to stress about small things and not fight for the children's sake too.

In his situation he always had a lot of empathetic family and people around helping him to deal with all his traumatic situations. Whereas I was always very isolated and nobody ever validated or saw the abuse and they defended my mother 100% of he time.

[Annegirl]

I feel very hypervigilant these days, so strung out, feel like im going backwards. I feel like i need to get out of here and start again in a new city. Got in trouble with my husband and his boss' s wife saying yet again that i dont want our children to have sugar, lollies. Im their mother i homeschool, they dont respect that i dont want them to have sugar. Theyve had too much in their life and im cracking down on it. And she purposely brings lollies every visit even though she knows how i feel and then rolls her eyes at me when i say something and afterwards my husband asks me to look at it from her perspective. Then he tells me the only friend ive got is one i have to pay money for (my T) which is not true and he tells me to stop pushing people out of my life. I said if they want to lose friendship over not bringing lollies because this is how we feed our children then thats not me pushing them away. But it was too much for me to handle. I cant sleep just fast heart and tight head cant think straight.

[mourningdove]

Wow. I think you were absolutely correct in telling him that it's not "pushing people out of your life" to insist that your parenting decisions be respected by others - especially in your own home. It sounds like your H's boss-wife is not only intentionally violating that boundary, but then also trying to make you feel as though you have done something wrong for standing up for yourself. It would be bad enough if it was a one time occurrence, but it's really disturbing that she would do this repeatedly.

It's also disturbing that your H would go along with it and try to flip this into being about some kind of shortcoming on your part. You cannot "look at it from her perspective" unless you are the kind of person who thinks it's acceptable to go to another person's home, intentionally undermine the rules she has set  for her children, and then act annoyed and as if there is something wrong with her when she resists this invasion. I don't see how this is about "losing friendship" because friends don't do things like that. 

And I think it's awful that your H tried to use your relationship with your therapist to shame you into agreeing with him. That's really twisted. Maybe this is more about the fact that this is about his boss's wife, and he doesn't want to rock the boat, but can't accept responsibility for that concern?

And the situation is even more jarring because you are someone who takes the time and effort to homeschool.

I totally understand why this felt like too much to handle. It's very upsetting to read and I'm sorry it happened.

[schrödinger's cat]

I agree. What your boss' wife does is just weird. It looks like a bit of a mindgame. She brings lollies as a present - you explain why you'd much rather not accept it - and she gets to act like you're the unreasonable one, rolling her eyes about you, "why, it's just a little lolly". Poor little victimized boss-wife.

There are tons of non-sugary treats you can buy for a kid. I should know, because my youngest loves getting them, so I keep on having to tidy those things up. They keep on proliferating. There are comic books. Stickers. Toy cars. Star Wars trading cards. My Little Pony mini figures. Mini figures and other merchandise for every movie under the sun. Lego. Books. Yo-yos. Pencils. Colouring books. Erasers that come in whacky shapes and that are absolutely useless, but kids love them. "Magic t-shirts" that come squeezed into a tiny ball, and if you throw it in water, it expands to its full size.

Sugar is addictive. Anything that's potentially addictive, the main carer gets to regulate a child's intake. TV, computer games, sugar, the mother calls the shots. If you've decided to cut out sugar, I bet you had a very good reason for it.

I'm a bit taken aback by what your husband said to you. What a hurtful thing to say! It sounds like he was lashing out, trying to find something that would hurt you. I wish you didn't have to live with that kind of emotional abuse. All the best to you. I hope life will be treating more kindly in the next few days. 

[Annegirl]

Hi SC, thank you for your insight and all who responded.

The other day she ended up apologising to my husband for her behaviour saying she will to me too.

[schrödinger's cat]

 

[Annegirl]

Group recovery work.
Journal about episodes of abuse.
I remember a school teacher asking me what that big blue mark on my leg was, it had been there for a few days. I said it was from where I got a smack. I wasn't bothered about it. She wasn't either and said nothing to my mother. we'd been home for 6 weeks with 'ringworm' and teacher was worried it was ringworm, (obviously she had not idea what that looks like) when I told my mother i remember her asking me repeatedly about it. She of course was worried someone would talk to her about it. After that she hit me more on the back, and where people wouldn't notice. I remember she pushed me against the fireplace once and to catch myself i put my hand out on the hot plate and burned it. She bandaged it up and i thought she cared but then she said "don't tell anyone about how this happened." so on the one hand she thought she should be doing this stuff to me but on the other hand she wanted to keep it all a secret from everyone around and they still don't know how she was and she has many friends who think she's wonderful. 

i remember her being angry at me so i locked myself in the bathroom and she came outside the door and with a nice voice told me to open the door and that she won't hurt me. I unlocked it and she stormed in, her eyes so furious and she started to kick me yell and attack me.

i remember her scratching my father's face  blood went on the door and doorknobs, then going crazy coming to me, throwing things around and I had to numerous times go and hide and lock myself and younger siblings in the bathroom Telling them sweet stories pretending to them like everything is ok.

i remember when she was home never being allowed to have time to myself. I would find something like a book to read and somewhere to sit, a glimmer of peace, a few minutes of happy feelings and the i would hear her voice which sent dread and disappointment etc shooting through me, then for hours she would leave me alone as she had told me to weed the garden, or dust and vacuum the house. If these things didn't take 2-3 hrs they weren't done properly and id have to do them again and again. These were my days, cleaning, cooking constantly and in between beatings and yelling, to keep me at it.

[Annegirl]

Argh!             

So last year my dad had a heart attack and was in ICU my brother went to see him from here in Australia (my parents live in NZ) and we all thought it was the end, my mother told me not to come as she and he couldnt handle me coming even though i was going to stay in a motel with the children. He hasnt met two of them. I havent been there for 8 years.

Now my cousin and his partner who have been living in Australia from Holland are trying to get a residence visa but need to apply offshore in NZ and my Aunt asked my mother if they can stay with her in her precious house and she has said yes!
and its for months.

[Annegirl]

  Thank you so much BeHealthy! <3 

[Annegirl]

More for the journal:

Just remembered something small I wanted to write down as it helps me see how dysfunctionally my mother (unknowingly) treated me. I have to say unknowingly or I will hate her and let the anger out on my own family.

I remember never being allowed to go to friends houses. This my mother tells me was her way of protecting me because she had been SA which I really understand her mentality about this. However it kept me imprisoned. I remember one time she allowed me though, to go to a friend's house and my friend was into 'Phantom of the Opera" I couldn't understand how she was sitting with me and showing me that record and putting on her favourite songs. I just couldn't understand how she could feel like just sitting and doing that and her mum was leaving her alone. All that kept going through my head was, "where is your mum?" why is she letting her sit there and do this without interruption? how is she so relaxed and happy? All I remember saying to my friend was "do you peel potatoes?" she said "yes, I help my mum sometimes and peel potatoes." I said "does it take long"? she said no, I said this because I couldn't understand how she was talking about this happily. I then asked "how many potatoes does your family need?" she said 4-6, (pretty much the same as my family) I just vaguely was confused couldn't understand why I felt so different to her but she also had to help her mum.

Sometimes I get angry as I remember as a teenager trying to tell someone about my mother that I was afraid of her and they just showed me Bible verses and told me to pray.I wish they had taken me out of that house. They took my twin brother and I was so angry but it was because I was jealous and I needed him around. They could see how she was abusing him but I was being worse abused and they left me.