Hi, I'm a noob. First time using one of these thingies...

[PERDITRIX06]

Hullo,
I've never used a forum or chat room support before so bare with me here. Not gonna lie, it's kinda weird.

I developed CPTSD pretty early on, lots of compound trauma from the start. Dad is a true blue psychopath and i seem to just have some general bad luck. ever hear the phrase if it weren't for bad luck, i wouldn't have any at all? That about sums it up, but i just kept rolling with the punches (literally) and here i am. I have had insomnia since i can remember, when i do sleep it's riddled with nightmares and therefore restless. Also part of the reason i finally got enough gumption to register here.

After a series of recent very unfortunate events, i slightly damaged my brain, resulting in a development of psychosis. This means that i have visual and auditory hallucinations, all pretty terrifying. But keeps things interesting right? It's only been about 2 years since this development so i am very much a rookie when it comes to coping with it. I'm just looking for support, connections, and distractions to further my growth in this process.

I was a firefighter/EMT for about 8 years, i loved my job and the experiences it brought. I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie so running into fires seemed like a GREAT idea, plus, i got to help alot of people, cut up cars, play with fire, and drive a big red truck with pretty lights and sirens. I was forced to resign due to an accident that resulted in the loss of my sight. I have no central vision but i do have peripheral so i still see things that aren't really there. It's only been a year, almost to the day, and it has been a huge adjustment and a very great loss.

My mood hasn't exactly been chipper and i do get a little angry about it when encountering daily obstacles like putting  toothpaste on my toothbrush and plugging things into outlets. That was hard when i could see! what gets me the most is that i can no longer ride my motorcycle. She's my happy place, my biggest coping tool. But all in all i think that i'm handling it fairly well..

I found that CPTSD tends to isolate and trap you, i've been feeling very reclusive and blue. The psychosis makes me pretty paranoid, confused, and i'm sure fairly entertaining to those on the outside. I feel pretty lonely and like i really need to make an effort to connect with others who fight the same battles and bare similar scars.

I know this was long, and I am sorry. I really didn't know what was expected of a first post ever. so i apologize if it's a bit much. I look forward to connecting with and hopefully helping and supporting others here. Thanks for your time

***Also as a disclaimer I am a total smart alec, it's both my nature and my defense, but it all comes form a playce of love and humor and i am not afraid of saying i am sorry if i am ever too abrasive. so please take no offense and be honest if i ever bother you with it. I'm not looking to push any more people away. ****

[Elena47]

Hey Perditrix .

Really great introduction . Love the way you write . I must say that you make my issues seem like a tiny gnat bite rather than a massive wound . You lost your sight ! Well bless you for staying so strong through all you have been through . It's inspiring .

It's taken me a ridiculous amount of time to finally recognise my lifelong issues as complex ptsd . I couldn't define why continually struggled ,panicked and got depressed or why I would suddenly crash in mood ,freak out and disassociate or even developmentally regress on a regular basis .

I think mainly my ignorance was due to misdiagnosis and well meaning friends and family trying to convince me I was ok and my past was irrelevant.
I knew my childhood had been very abusive but I minimised it.

I identify with the loneliness. I have become something of a recluse and binge eater .I'm trying hard to fight it and to push at the barriers of my own crazy prison.

Anyway today you give me hope .

From one newbie to another ....

If I can help . Let me know 

[ah]

Hi Perditrix06, aka smart alec  welcome

I have cptsd from childhood like you do, and I became an EMT too. I've met quite a few people who had difficult childhoods and ended up working at jobs where the constant danger was good for them.
I'm so sorry you lost your vision and had to stop working. It must have been extremely rough for you.
I have a physical disability and being severely ill or disabled in any way can be a cause of cptsd, too. For me I noticed my current physical illness makes my cptsd symptoms worse. I bet you've been in pain.

You're not alone, and I'm glad you're here.

[ah]

Hi Elena, welcome too
I can relate very much to what you wrote. It's taken me decades to understand I have cptsd too. There was no information about it anywhere to be found, and I was in a deep coma of minimization and self hatred chasing its own tail all the time.
And misdiagnosis too. I was misdiagnosed with a PD as a teenager (part of my abusive FOO's attempts to silence me and destroy me) and it did irreparable harm too.
You're not alone though I wish you didn't have to go through any of it. I wish I could take it away from you.

[Blueberry]

Welcome perditrix and Elena