Question to parents with cptsd

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Contessa

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Question to parents with cptsd
« on: July 24, 2018, 01:09:25 PM »
*TW* sorry for the length

My traumas started with a miscarriage. My soothing coping mechanism for the trauma surrounding the miscarriage was violently destroyed by another abuser. So my passion and traumatic salve became another source of trauma.

I was abused further by other people in different ways for several years after that.

I've always wanted to be a mother, and recently decided, and have been working towards, fulfilling that goal. Whether or not that is now possible is very uncertain. But I have to try for my life's purpose. I do not have a purpose otherwise.

My support structure failed me. Self soothing is difficult, and I had a few triggers culminate into a mother of a flashback - pardon the pun - that was resolved by outwardly projecting rage at a certain person. That rage resolved the the inward 'ideas' that I had for myself. For the record, I feel much better for doing it, and I do not feel guilty, nor do I feel sorry for them. But without question, it is not a healthy way to deal.

Although the relief was tremendous.

So this naturally scares me from the perspective of motherhood. I became scared when my supports disappeared, from when my mood started wavering, and when the triggers started getting harder to deal with. I am scared about hormone fluctuations, to having faith in my strategies, to my temperament and reliability.

Had I not lost my baby, I know I would have been an excellent mother. I always looked forward to being pregnant before then and found it utterly beautifly exciting. I did not have the burden of all the traumas when I was pregnant, and I had many years of experience of working with children. There was no such thing as explosive anger, and I was a strong advocate and support to those children. I was resilient. No medications. A family friend often commented that I was the most level headed person he knew - a big thing as he was including my siblings in that assesment.

I am scared that I haven't the capability any longer. I have no husband (I have endured SA by subsequent partners), and have been very angry about the SA.

There are parents on here with cptsd I know. How do you survive parenthood, and how do you nurture your children when you have this monster to deal with?
« Last Edit: July 24, 2018, 01:27:42 PM by Contessa »

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Contessa

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Re: Question to parents with cptsd
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2018, 02:31:52 PM »
I'm scared that I am so so damaged that I will never be able to be a good mother

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Kizzie

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Re: Question to parents with cptsd
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2018, 04:13:22 PM »
I don't know about anyone else Contessa but I shoved my monster (didn't know what it was but kept the mask as firmly in place as I could) down for most of the time I was actively parenting my son.  It was only when he went off to university that it overwhelmed me.  So I was a loving and nurturing parent throughout his childhood and even when I fell apart we didn't say much of anything about it to him.  He knows now but he's 26 and can handle it.  Anyway I digress. 

It is really quite stressful to raise a child so I'm glad you are asking yourself some tough questions about whether or not it is something you can or should undertake.  It's especially hard on your own because you don't get a break unless you have some support. 

On the more positive side, I will say that having been traumatized made me a very loving and sensitive mother - I was determined not to repeat the mistakes of my family and for the most part didn't.  I see that has had such a positive effect in my son, that I actually had a lot to offer because of what I went through.   He is a genuinely kind and loving person.

There is a new book out called "Parenting with PTSD".  I haven't read it yet but it may give you some insight into what it's like to parent when you have Complex PTSD as it has a number of essays by parents with CPTSD. 

Hope this is helpful  :)

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Contessa

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Re: Question to parents with cptsd
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2018, 04:42:41 PM »
Thank you Kizzie.

You echo my fears but also my hopes. I never wanted to do this alone, and know being single will be much more difficult.

I have one sister all excited for me enough to carry the baby as a surrogate should I need to, and if it is possible.

Thank you for the book recommendation, that will be needed immensely.

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Contessa

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Re: Question to parents with cptsd
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2018, 05:02:29 PM »
I'll also admit that my nephew keeps me too busy to even have negative thoughts creep in.

Support though, will be necessary.