*TW* I wished my trauma on my ex

[Contessa]

Was in a horrid, deep EF.

My last relationship, I disclosed my trauma along with my feelings for him at the point of whether we decide to stop or move forward. I made it clear what my fragilities were, and what I was and was not not able to handle.

With that knowledge in hand, we/he went forward in progressing our relationship to the next level, where I felt safe and feel deep. I felt like I had not experienced any bad things at all, they well and truly felt like they were in the distant past. I was well and truly in love when he decided to tell me he was leading me on, and after breaking up with me he was not long into another relationship. This was exactly what I expressed that I couldn't handle.

I have of course been struggling since. My heart still broken, and have had the worst worst EF i've experienced.

All dignity aside I had to speak to him, and beg him for help. I needed him and by god I still missed that SOB. I hate that he did that. Reaching out of course got me some less than satisfying responses.

So my self hatred and begging to him turned to anger at him. It did not take long to write, but I told him he deserved to experience every traumatic event I went through. And I mean, I listed them off in graphic detail. I have never disclosed the details to anyone besides the names of the abuses, and the descriptions were nowhere near as graphic in words as they are in memories. But specifics were described.

I told him he deserved the abuse and desertion I exprienced at the fallout. He deserved to feel what it feels like having the people that did it to me being treated like gods by the masses, including by my family. I described every type of trigger, large and small, every invalidation... everything I could pour out

The pain I have been feeling, daily, for a decade, I passed on to him. I delegated the memories and agony to him. He deserved to rot in agony as I have.

Then he deserved to have someone do to him what he did to me.

He had enough knowledge at my disclosure to not move forward. So because of that, what he did with me was reprehensible. I never deserved any of my traumas, and certainly not what he did. So he deserved to feel all of it.

I can never again enter into a romantic relationship after him. I cannot date, I cannot talk to men, I cannot dream or hope, or trust that I will be safe with anyone ever. Because of him.

I do not feel guilty saying what I said. It lifted me out of the EF. The relief was immediate. I do not regret passing on the raw emotion. This was pure anger.

[Kizzie]

Contessa, FWIW I think the relief was immediate because your anger was fully deserved.  Personally I'm glad to hear you have no regrets, it is exactly what the healthy part of us needs to do when we are deeply betrayed and nonchalantly abused by someone like your ex. 

   and      and most of all a big  for tapping into your Inner Guardian.   

[Contessa]

Nonchalant indeed. Thanks Kizzie, when the anger whirls up to the point of bursting, no amount of journalling or meditation music will soothe.

Thanks for validating my explosion.

[Kizzie]

Hard to say whether or not it will have any impact on him, but it was more about you speaking up for you. IMO those of us who have CPTSD really need to do that from time to time.  As long as we don't engage in violence or become belittling, demeaning or inflict trauma in return, but speak our truth instead I think it's quite healthy. 

[Contessa]

And that's where the trauma lies. Because it never does have an impact on him/them.
I just deleted my social media because  triggering posts involving blocked abusers past still, yet again, come through. And these people are treated like deity.
I really need it to impact him.
Inflicting abuse and trauma is horrible, and my MO has always been one of mindfulness and basic respect to others, and nurture where it is needed.
For me (all of us), living with such hurt and anger is incomprehensible. The connection makes no sense.
I need the pain to be felt by the the one(s) that inflicted it. No more acceptance that it won't.
You're right Kizzie. I do believe it can only be done with truth if it destperately needs to be done.

[Kizzie]

I guess because my abuse occurred at the hands of family with NPD I have found I can't get to them because the psychological twists and turns of the disorder simply won't allow it. No matter what I did or said they could not grasp the pain they have caused me. 

What speaking (or in some cases yelling) my truth did for me was to help me feel better and stronger by finally allowing myself to speak out after years of being gaslighted, invalidated, subjected to smear campaigns, and silenced. My NPD M once told me my NPD GCB is afraid of me and I thought "OK, not quite what I was going for but I guess I'll have to take it."  He doesn't get it, none of them do and that's hard to take.  Now this is because they have NPD and there's a lack of empathy, shame, connection with others, etc., that healthy people have in place to remind them when they have behaved badly. Think Trump.

In the case of your ex though it may be that you can reach him with truth, I really hope so.  Those who inflict trauma on others need to be held accountable   

[Contessa]

So did mine.
Kizzie you've highlighted a very important point which is starting to help me understand better than before, just how big of an impact my family had on the direction my life.

I know what my response is to this post, I just need to let the feelings and realisation settle into coherent words and sentences.

Though I've always known this. My family are long gone, and my truth will never be known or appreciated by them.

I need my ex to know, not because my family won't. He formed his own motive of betrayal. He is in no way responsible for the abuses of the past. He is, though, responsible for what he did with that knowledge.

So i'll get back to you on this one soon once I understand more.

[Contessa]

Also Kizzie, your last paragraph is spot on.

My perpetrators, and family; impossible. I cannot go so far as to label anyone NPD, though they have NPD traits and so are not far off.

My ex - might, can and hope are definitely applicable.

[Kizzie]