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Topics - Jazzy

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General Discussion / Resources for child prisoners?
« on: December 04, 2020, 12:07:51 AM »
I'm hesitant to call myself a child prisoner, because I wasn't actually chained up. However, physically, I was not allowed to have friends, leave the house, or even go to school.

The psychological aspect is worse. Its amazing, but you don't really need physical chains with "the right psychological conditioning". Maybe its worse in a way. With physical chains, when they get broken, you are free to run to safety. When the chains are in your mind, its not so simple. "Safety" has been transformed to danger, and you don't know how to get there anyway.

Does anyone know of any resources to help with this kind of a childhood? I guess with integration in to society after growing up outside of it? Now that I'm an adult, it feels like I've just been thrown in to the general population. It seems like everybody just expects everything to magically work out, but surely we don't actually believe that!

I really need help, and I don't know how to get it.

Recovery Journals / Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2
« on: May 22, 2020, 08:03:26 PM »
I feel like I'm in a much better place than when I started my first journal, so I have decided to start a new one to reflect that. I guess my old journal will get buried, but I hope it will remain available, and will be helpful to someone. I feel like I should write a book or something. I know what its like to be in a really bad place (crisis), and I want to help others who may be stuck in their own. Perhaps there is a better way though, I will have to do some research.

 You can find my old journal here. It contains some of the things I've been through, and the daily struggle to make it "to phase 2".

As far as I can tell, there are a few things that allowed me to make it this far:

1) The first is that I have not seen M (my worst abuser) in a few years now. Sometimes we talk on the phone, but I don't have to see her. Also, I believe separating from my wife helped a lot. It is unfortunate, I wish it hadn't been necessary, but being with her was constantly triggering to me. Not to say it was her fault (nobody's perfect, but my past isn't her fault). I guess they key point, was removing everything(everyone?) in my life that had a negative(triggering) impact on me.

2) Medication and other strategies to help deal with the worst of the symptoms (depression, anxiety etc), so that I could function somewhat.

3) Other people in my life I could connect with that have a positive influence (my sisters and their husbands) on me, once I was able to function more (after a while with points 1 and 2).

4) Time. Fighting through the * of it all day by day. This is such a huge thing. There are no words that can truly capture what it takes to keep going every day, fighting to improve, even though it can look hopeless at times. Unfortunately, we all have the experience and don't need the words.

Of course, this isn't a cure all, or how to get better in a few simple steps. But they really made a  difference in helping me, and I hope somehow they can help you too!


Its interesting, that there's always something I'm struggling with internally, or that I am trying to improve about myself. When my general mood is better, the worst of these things vanish, but others come to take their place. Its okay now though. Things now don't seem so overwhelmingly important... and to some degree they aren't, as they don't keep me locked in a bad mental state.

The thing that is bothering me most right now, is how bad my sleeping schedule is, and my inability to control it. It seems like people can just sometimes stay up later, or wake up earlier, but have a generally "normal" schedule of sleeping through the night, and being awake during the day. I would say that I'm not in control of my sleeping though. It's not just that I get really tired sometimes, but I feel so bad mentally, and I know I will feel much better after some rest. Interestingly, I was out of town recently and shared a hotel room with my sisters, and I didn't feel nearly so bad when I was kept busy being social with them, and other people in the extended family. I'll have to do some more reflection on that point.

I've also been wondering if my night time medication (pain meds, not brain meds) has been causing me problems. Last night, I've started taking it in the morning as a test, to see how I feel through the day (what drowsiness effect it has on me), and if there is any change in my sleeping. So far today, I've had a bit of trouble concentrating, but haven't felt drowsy. It isn't night time yet, so I'll have to see how that goes. I didn't have a great sleep last night. I woke a few times, and had at least one nightmare, but that isn't uncommon for me.

Another thing I'm working on is my eating habits. I've put on a lot of weight in the past couple of years. I've written in the past about how I don't generally feel hungry, so I just force myself to eat. I guess I've been forcing myself to eat too much. Its very difficult to know how much to eat when I don't want to eat anything. Anyway, I'm cutting back on the amount I eat, and eating more fruit instead of frozen food. Hopefully that will help.

A final thing, is my ability to focus. When I'm overly depressed and anxious, I can't focus on things very well. I tend to jump from task to task, not really getting much completed. On the other hand, when I am feeling better, I seem to over-focus, getting lost in what I'm doing, and spending far too much time on the little things. I'm not sure if this is a chemistry problem, or a behavioral problem. I wouldn't be surprised if both factors come in to play. Its certainly a work in progress though. I need to learn to do more unique things throughout the day, instead of getting caught on a task all day, or even all week long.

Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Work in progress. :)

Depression / Depression Terminology
« on: October 22, 2019, 11:46:46 PM »
TW: Depression

I'm hoping someone can help me out with the terminology for different depression types. I've tried looking around online a bit, but couldn't really find what I was looking for.

So the first kind of depression is the standard kind. Its the "I feel like a zombie kind". Symptoms usually include low energy, difficulty concentrating, reduced emotions, especially positive ones. This is the kind of thing you can easily find information on, what I always knew to be depression. Literal dictionary meaning is: "reduce the level or strength of activity".

But, over the last few years, I've struggled with something else at times. I wouldn't have thought it depression, but my psychiatrist says it is. Its like an active depression. You feel a lot, and you feel really bad. It literally hurts just to be conscious. You want to just hold your head and sink to your knees, and do anything to get rid of that feeling in your chest. It is so overwhelming that you can barely think straight, never mind focus on anything.

Clearly, there is a big difference between the two, they're almost opposite. One is reduced feeling, the other is increased feeling. But, if they're both depression, how do you differentiate between the two without a long winded explanation of symptoms every time?

This has been on my mind the last few days, so I'll post it here. Maybe someone can relate, maybe someone has some advice, maybe not.

In short, I wish I felt compassion for people more often, and am wondering how to bring this about. I think I'm a nice person, I really try to be. I'm sure that I am so much nicer than NPD M raised me to be (always telling me being horrible was being nice, but I've learned so much of it is not true).

The problem is more that I take up most of my emotional effort dealing with myself. Being me is difficult, and I don't have much left over. Add on to that depression, anxiety, and the other symptoms, and it doesn't leave me much time to think about others. This sounds selfish, but I think there's some truth to all those sayings that say you need to look after yourself first, so that you're in a good place to help others.

I also hope that social situations will go better if I can more actively show compassion. I just see other people who really show they care a lot, and I wish I could be more like them. In person, I'm told that I'm extremely stoic, or neutral, or emotionless... even my facial expressions are blank/non existent.  I know this comes from a childhood lifetime of hiding my feelings, thoughts, reactions etc. but I'm not a child anymore. I just want to break away from how I was forced to be as a child so badly. I feel trapped, and I don't know how to change myself.

I'm not really sure how to express this, but there seems to be a real disconnect when it comes to relationships with others. Anyone and everyone will tell you that humans are social creatures, its important to have friends, to feel like a valued member of the community etc.

The thing is that social interactions (especially in person) are so overwhelmingly difficult, that they always seem to be negative. They take so much out of me, leave me feeling guilty and like a failure etc. There is clear evidence that I do much better when I am disconnected from others. Trying to force friendships, or getting lost in a romantic relationship has markedly negative effects on me. Sometimes I do feel lonely though, and this seems to go against the overwhelmingly held belief that social interaction is an important positive part of life.

My psychiatrist personifies this disconnect to me perfectly. He has diagnosed me with agoraphobia and social phobia, among other things, and then every time I see him, he asks if I have been going out with my friends, or if I have any new romantic interests. No, of course I haven't, that kind of thing makes me feel horrible. Why would you even ask?!

I imagine this in physical terms as a person who is allergic to water. Obviously, they need that water, and they feel effects of dehydration from not having it, but at the same time, drinking the water will cause physical symptoms as well. This person goes to a checkup with their doctor, and their doctor asks if they've been drinking plenty of fluids... well no, they're allergic.

So, first off... can anyone else relate to this? Just feeling so bad by trying to participate in this "positive, necessary part of life?" Beyond that, what do you do? It seems like a lose-lose situation. How do you turn this around?

General Discussion / Accepting a PTSD diagnosis?
« on: August 26, 2019, 11:23:51 PM »
Here is a snippet from my journal entry I wrote today. I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this, and what, if anything has helped resolve it.

I really feel like it is not okay for me to have any sort of PTSD. There is probably a lot more to it than I realize. I don't know why I have such a cognitive dissonance about this. I know what I've been through, I know the affect it has had on me, I know how I struggle with the symptoms every day, and have for many years. What I don't know, is how to make peace with this fact.

In other words, as title says: How do you make peace with having a PTSD diagnosis?

Recovery Journals / Jazzy's Journal
« on: August 13, 2019, 11:19:41 PM »
So... historically, I haven't had a lot of success journaling, but I'm going to try again. Reading what others have written here has been immensely helpful to me. So, I hope that someone, some day, will be helped by something I write here. Hopefully, that will help me make progress with it as well.

Long Term Goals:

  • Overcome IC. Learn to judge myself based on my own standards.
  • Learn to sing.

Therapy / When therapy is an EF trigger?
« on: August 08, 2019, 12:21:49 AM »
After reading some posts here, I've been thinking about my own situation in a different way than I usually do. One thing I wish is that I could actually get some therapy. I've tried numerous times, but it never works. My psychiatrist keeps telling me I need to go, etc.

I feel really ashamed about having CPTSD, and I've only told a grand total of 2 people (3 if you count my psychiatrist). I know it's something I need to work on, and I'd appreciate any advice or resources on the matter. I think I can work through it over time though, at least it feels like an approachable problem. However, there's another one which seems to be unmanageable for me. Basically, it is what the subject says.

Most of the therapy available to me is group therapy, and group therapy is always an EF trigger for me. It's way too similar to group ... other stuff... when I was a child...  but what can I do about it? I guess I'm told to go to therapy, and I'd like the help that therapy is supposed to provide, but every time I've tried,  I'm triggered and feel way worse instead of better afterwards. I'd really appreciate anything that might help.


Addiction/Self-Medicating / Addictions, Obsessions, and Relationships
« on: December 11, 2018, 11:51:02 PM »
The other night I was in bed and thinking about life, and some of the struggles I've had, and how I'm dealing with things now. My thoughts went in a direction they never have before. This is far from a polished piece, but I want to just put the idea out there and see if anyone has something else to say on the matter.

I'm a very addictable person...  I get addicted easily to anything that one can get addicted to. It seems to me that it is similar to an overactive case of ADHD... where something of interest just takes over everything else in your life. Maybe the only real difference is a matter of degrees, or how bad  that something gets to be. On the other hand, I believe I have a lot of willpower, as I've broken most of my addictions without much, or any, help. In the past I've used things like alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana almost constantly... but for the most part, i have stopped all that. Maybe a few times a year I'll have a couple of drinks on a special occasion, but that's it. Unfortunately, those few times a year are when I feel the best. It is difficult, almost like self torture, but hey... I do what I'm supposed to do and stay sober. So... that's good, apparently... right?

Anyway, the first new thought that came to me is how similar addiction and obsession are. Have you ever tried to take away a drunk alcoholic's bottle? Good luck with that one! Honestly, I don't know what the difference is between addiction and obsession, if there even is any. So, this led me to think about how all of my romantic relationships to date have failed, and being honest about it, a big part of the reason they failed, is because I become obsessed with the person I'm involved in. It is really sad, because things start out so well, and it is a good healthy relationship... but as time goes on, I become worse, and things become detrimental to both of us.

So maybe, at its core, this is really another addiction problem that I have not yet begun to deal with yet, not even realizing what it really was. That idea is really concerning, because I thought I had all my addictions dealt with. I already feel like most things in life are beyond my control, which really does a number on my self esteem/confidence... but if this is yet another ugly truth to face, then so be it.

I'm sure there are a lot of other issues that come in to play, with relationships, such as the CPTSD interfering, and other general problems with my parents etc. warping the way I see people, and how a relationship is supposed to be.

But ultimately, how do I deal with this one? With the substance addictions, it is mostly a matter of staying away from them, and not allowing myself to participate. With this, I would really like to have a healthy romantic relationship one day, and so that method is not compatible.

Maybe this is another version of the million dollar question... all this stuff happened which has really damaged me, and distorted all of my relationships with other people... but how do you break that interference of it all, and have it stop ruining things in your life?

Eating Issues / Malnourishment/starvation
« on: October 30, 2018, 12:21:46 AM »
I just found this category, and I'll go through it in more detail when time allows in the near future. I was wondering if any one is out there that has a story similar to mine, if not, that's okay too. I know I'm in the minority being on the "under" side of the weight problem, which makes me really hesitant to talk about it, but it has bothered me all of my adult life.

I expect it came from my childhood being told "eat what your given, or eat nothing at all". People don't seem to understand, but I really can't eat things I don't like. It's more like my body rejects it rather than "I don't like it"... so most of my childhood I ate "nothing at all". So, of course, this is what I/my body learned was "normal" growing up.

As an adult, I really don't get hungry for the most part. I get tired/cranky/low energy, but rarely hungry, and I've had to do a lot of work to associate those feelings with lack of nourishment. Even now, every day, I eat because I'm supposed to, not because I want to / need to / feel hungry.

Anyway, it's left me scrawny and small, in a body I don't like, and with no feelings of hunger, it seems impossible to fix. It just seems so basic, eating is a requirement of living... how can I not "get it right"? The reason this bothers me so much is because it feeds my self esteem/personalization problems, which I'm really trying to improve. There seems so many pieces to the puzzle. If anyone has similar story/good info on the subject, I'd really appreciate it.

General Discussion / M at it again
« on: October 27, 2018, 01:25:08 AM »
I'm mostly writing this to just get it off my chest. Maybe I'm being completely unfair/wrong, I don't know for sure. I'm stuck in heavy dissociation right now, so I hope it will help to get this out there.

Anyway, point is that M is planning to host foreign exchange students to make extra cash for herself now. My immediate thought is that she's going to give someone a poor experience... and maybe a lot worse. I know its for a very limited time (per person), but I'm afraid that based on how rough things are for me, similarly it will be for them because they will be living with her.

It also seems extremely selfish. I would be sure to spend the money... on the student, not use it for myself. I don't know the details of how much the host receives and why, but it just seems wrong to me to keep it for yourself.

I really want to scream at her not to do this, and find some way to stop her.... but unfortunately, from past experiences, you can't upset her too much, or she'll put herself in the hospital (again). All I can do is agree with whatever she says, and I hate it.

General Discussion / When you don't feel like a person...
« on: October 21, 2018, 11:39:06 PM »
I'm wondering if anyone could share some advice or resources on this topic?

To explain a bit more:

As a child I was always taught that I was very different than every one else, and I should not associate with others if I could help it. The was reinforced by being kept mostly isolated from society (I wasn't allowed to go to school etc.).  Sometimes I used to pretend I was a robot, or some other type of machine ... which seemed like what I was supposed to be.

These days, I know that I am a person like everyone else, but I still don't seem to believe it. For example, when I think about people in any sort of general sense, I don't consider myself included in the category of "people", and I need to talk myself in to accepting that I fit in that category. It is still really uncomfortable to think of myself "as a person", but I'm hoping that it will be helpful if I can sort this out.

So, hopefully someone has something. :)



Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I don't seem to be very good at that.

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Loneliness and Recovery
« on: October 13, 2018, 12:40:24 AM »
Just wondering how you all deal with loneliness, and maybe looking for some new ideas for recovery.

I've had a hard time socializing lately. Everything/everyone seems to be really disconnected to me lately. It's really difficult as a big part of me wants to just be alone so I don't have to deal with all the trouble of social interaction, but I find myself lonely at the same time. Feels like a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing.

I'm not in the best spot right now, but I have been in worse for sure. The thing is, I can't really say why. It feels like my emotional state is really out of my control. No matter how hard I try, or how many "right things" I do, it doesn't seem to matter... it's like there's something else I'm ignorant of which makes the difference. Which, brings up the question of how do I improve again/continue to improve when I don't understand how? Hopefully someone will have some insight.

General Discussion / Thinking of you
« on: October 03, 2018, 12:30:51 AM »
Hi everybody!

I know I haven't posted much on here recently. A big part of the reason is that I'm finding it very difficult to communicate (more so than usual). However, I want you to know that I read some of the posts here when I can, and I think about all of you a lot. I wish I had more of the right thing to say. Others here have been a tremendous help when I've needed it the most, and I hope I can be the same at some point.

I also want to thank those of you who do post replies here on a regular basis. As far as I can tell, there is no one in my life who understands what I'm going through. Although I wish no one else had similar experiences, some do, and its nice to feel like someone really cares, and understands. I'm really grateful that you help others through their tough times.

Hopefully I can get through this, whatever it is, and re-engage more with life. It feels like I'm stuck in the fog right now, isolated from everything. I don't want to burden anyone. Thanks to everyone for being here. Please take a moment to feel proud of yourselves.

Family of Origin (FOO) / M visiting, what to do?
« on: September 19, 2018, 01:55:25 AM »
First off, sorry I  haven't been very active on here. I have difficulty with setting new habits, and checking in here is one that I've not been keeping up on. Emotionally, I'm up and down a lot too, which doesn't help at all. I feel bad about it, but I'll just try to do better.

Since I last posted on here, mom has moved away, and now she's coming back for a visit. She plans to be in town for at least 2 days, and doesn't know where she's staying (so probably with me). Anyway, I'm looking for some suggestions of what to do with her, literally. I can't remember just spending any time with her where something wasn't planned, or at least having a specific topic to discuss. She's never just come to visit before.

I don't know how much of this is a problem with me, or her, or things that have happened between us or whatever. I'm not sure it really matters. The point is, I feel like there's never been a proper emotional connection between her and I, and I really have no idea what to do when she's here. Of course, keep in mind that she kind of lives in her own version of the world where she's a great person and has done no (serious) wrong.

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