[TW] Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II

[Jazzy]

Preface: While I consider all journals to come with an assumed trigger warning, I feel this one will be especially triggering to some.

This is a new thread, as I feel the other one is getting too long.

While I appreciate the freedom to make my journal as long as I want, I feel it becomes overwhelming for me and anyone new past a certain point.

--

My journals, for reference:
Jazzy's Journal
Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2
Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
Jazzy's Journal: Omega
Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II <-- You are here!

[CactusFlower]

Hey, glad you like that keyboard! it's the same as mine. Everyone has different needs. I have difficulty typing on a straight keyboard anymore without hurt, and my bro simply can't get the hang of this one at all. I've had this style for a long time and always request them at work for "ergonomics".

And honestly, it doesn't matter how or how long you've been typing, there will always be mistakes. We're human. I've used a keyboard since computers came about, and I still make mistakes. Especially when tired or upset. I think my brain goes faster than my hands. I just figure that's what backspace, delete, and spellcheck are for.

[Jazzy]

You're absolutely, right. Thank you!

I'm glad I chose one that is the same as yours. That tells me I made a good choice! It is much more comfortable, though still foreign.

My brain goes faster than my hands too, it's pretty speedy sometimes.

My point is that I'm disappointed in myself for not noticing, never mind learning for so long. I expect better of myself. As your reply indicates, my personal expectations are far too high.

I'm glad that I'm learning now, which this keyboard is showing me. This is all because you mentioned how helpful this type of keyboard is for you. Thank you again for speaking up. It is very helpful!

[zanzoken]

Jazzy, I haven't had a chance to read all of your journals but, I wanted to say that it's inspiring for me to see how much journaling you've done.  I noticed you started your first one almost 2 years ago and it's awesome that you've kept at it all this time.  Great job!

[Jazzy]

Thank you Zanzoken!

It is very encouraging to me that you are inspired by my determination over the years. Thank you so much!

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

As I wrote in another post:

"One time I read in the newspaper about a pair of sisters who were kept home from school by their father for religious reasons, like I was. I was triggered and extremely emotional. It took me months to get over it. It is still clear in my mind, so I doubt I am fully over it even now, a number of years later."

In this case, the man tried running away so he wouldn't get in trouble. I understand he does not believe he did anything wrong due to his religious and cultural beliefs, but he did.

I am extremely happy and relieved that he was chased down, across provincial borders, and powerful people took extra time outside of normal hours to ensure that he cannot hurt his daughters, or others, like this any more.

This is a stark contrast to how my mother walks around freely, leading a much easier life than mine, portraying herself as the victim.

I wish I were more upset about this than I currently am. Hopefully I will be in time.

[Jazzy]

I know this is difficult to read, but I really appreciate you not only reading, but leaving any reply. It will be very helpful for me. Thank you.

[TW: Animal suffering and cruelty]





Today I am nursing a bird back from the very brink of death. I have read about this experience in a book numerous times, and always liked it. I liked it because of the warmth, love and dedication the words portray. While I do not want any birds to suffer like this, I have wanted the experience of caring for one myself. I'm not sure what kind of bird it is, or what to call it, but it has blue on it's wings, so I am calling it Blueberry. Thank you for the inspiration, Blueberry!

What the books don't say, perhaps because the author's don't know, is that this has been the most eye-opening, life changing experience I have ever had. I have learned and realized so many things. Most notably how important touch is.

Blueberry was so weak that it could hardly move. It could not hold its head up at all, or keep its wings straight. However it grasped my finger and held on firmly for a long time. I was not expecting this as a bird is such a different species, and their talons are usually used for destruction, not love. This tells me how powerful loving physical contact is.

This contact is exactly what I needed going through my night terrors as a 3 year old. As Blueberry  lay dying, it only wanted to hold something compassionate. While I was not physically dying, I had the same desperate need. Fulfilling this deeply fundamental, animalistic need is what my mother denied me, among so many other things.

After Blueberry drank a bit of water I spoon-fed it, it had the strength to express how distressed and distraught it was. It flapped around crying and screeching. The power it takes to do that while so close to death is beyond words. I am especially concerned with Blueberry's neck, as it still cannot hold its head up for very long. It didn't take me too long to learn that Blueberry preferred to be held.

It has been unspeakably difficult to care for this bird. I know what to do physically because I have been in the same situation. Primarily, Blueberry is suffering from heat stroke and dehydration, physically speaking. We are in a bad heat wave here. I don't know why Blueberry couldn't find water, especially as I have some out on the front step, but the reason is not important at this time.

Emotionally, it is very different. I have had to fight through all of the triggers and memories, all of the neglect and abuse coming alive again. I have fought so incredibly hard for this bird. I do this because this bird is fighting harder than I, and I know how overwhelming and difficult this struggle is.

Furthermore, I have had to fight through so many toxic beliefs I have held, because they are what I was taught, and I have never questioned them before. My first thought on seeing Blueberry was to kill it, put it out of it's misery, as it is too far gone. I almost did, but I'm relieved I chose better. Other things I have fought through include:

• Birds are dirty
• Birds carry disease
• Birds don't like being touched
• Birds are aggressive
• Birds will attack me

Acting in completely the opposite way of what I was taught, all at the same time, has been challenging beyond expression. This is what my parent's failed to do for me. I suppose they were not hurt badly enough to find the strength required. I'm glad I have.

I'm still very concerned about Blueberry, despite how much better it is doing. Right now it is resting in my lap, which I believe is good. I'm sure it also needs to eat though. I have some tiny bread crumbs in my lap for it, but it doesn't seem interested right now. I don't have any seeds or nuts handy, and I don't want to go to the store. I'm not sure what best to do about this. I appreciate any advice.

I'm painfully aware I have no loving physical contact in my own life still, as this is what I was taught at such a young age. The only touch contact I have is with my cats. This is almost always me petting them, as cat's can't do things like give hugs.

I've taken as many pictures as I could of this entire situation, as I hope to write it in to a short story at some point. Of them all, this one stands out to me the most:

Click for bigger picture!

When I first brought Blueberry in to the house, I called my sister to ask what to do, as she has worked in a veterinarian's office before, and has much more empathy and experience with animals than I. She texted me back that she was at work and asked if everything is okay. We sent some text's back and forth, and she sent me some things to follow. While they were good, Blueberry was in such a bad state that I had to go with my own experience. She asked me to fill her in later about Blueberry's progress.

Now that Blueberry is doing better, I texted her and asked her to stop by after work to give me a hug and see Blueberry. I see that she has read the message, but not replied. I feel very hurt by this, but am trying to be understanding.

[Armadillo]

Jazzy I can hear how painful and triggering and healing this all is. And above all how much you are asking for people to be there with you and for you, and hurting that your sister hasn't responded. Perhaps because she is not seeing how much you need her right now.

I think I agree that letting nature take it's course and not euthanizing the bird is probably the best course though of course none of us can know that until the outcome has made itself apparent..if shock will wear off, or Blueberry needs to pass on. No matter what you've given Blueberry love and care.

Perhaps your sister can bring a bit of bird seed with her as I imagine you aren't quite in the right state to go out and get that right now.

You're right this is the kind of love and care and touch you should have received your whole life. I want to say I'm sorry this has been so triggering for you but also I hear that this has been very healing, too. Clarifying of what life needs and you were deprived of. What you are working toward.

[zanzoken]

That is an incredible story, Jazzy.  I am so moved by the love and compassion you are giving to Blueberry.  You are showing so much courage.  I hope your sister is able to stop by and be there for you both.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Zanzoken! 

My sister did stay for a couple of hours to be with us.

[Jazzy]

Sadly, Blueberry the bird is no longer with us. It is challenging to post that, mostly because it feels like I have failed to save her.

However I am glad that she went when she chose to go, surrounded by love and comfort, instead of neglected and alone as she was when I found her.

I have learned many things throughout this experience. Above all, I am happy to have a "proper childhood experience with death", despite no longer being a child physically. I'm confident that this is so far the largest step I have taken in reversing the damage my mother has done to me.

Things went great with my sister, though I cannot go in to detail about that at this time.

I have made myself this note of highest priority, which means I review it daily, if not more often:

No more weak *. Do your absolute best with no hesitation and no apologies. If it doesn't have desired results, then improve your absolute best for next time.

[CactusFlower]

It is so sad, Jazzy, that Blueberry's time with you was so short. I send you hugs for the sadness. Having gone through the old age passing of several pets now in my life, I can say that there is nothing more important than to know they were not alone and were with someone kind and compassionate when it was time. I cried at how sweet that was for you to do for the bird. And what a step, to realize that you can do that, share your innate kindness with another being, after all that's happened.  That's very inspiring.

[Jazzy]

Thank you for your hugs and your kind and moving words Sage! 

I appreciate what you have written very much. It is compassionate, encouraging, and I feel connected with you through your writing.

I am especially touched how you spoke of Blueberry in the manner you spoke of your own pets. Blueberry was only with me for 6 or 7 hours, so even despite all I did for her, I did not really consider her a pet. The thought crossed my mind once, but I pushed it away. I am still learning to trust my instincts. Thank you for confirming them, providing me this chance to improve.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Addendum: I have cried today too, deeper than I ever have before. Interestingly, this is what I expressed I wanted to do when I woke up this morning. The crying was very healing for me. I hope it was good for you too.   

[Jazzy]

I shared this with a friend earlier regarding my experiences today. Their reply was brief, yet strong. Based on this, I am sharing it here as well.

Pain: Mother's selfsishness (SIC). She neglected me because she was traumatized by sisters unexpected death. I understand, but she took care of herself and failed me.
Lesson: Cant do everything alone. Trying wounds others.
Uplifting: Im not alone. I have you.