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[Giving/Receiving Advice]

Hi Everyone:

Every once in a while when I notice a trend in not observing a certain guideline I will post a reminder.  I am seeing a tendency for giving advice rather than making suggestions so I am posting a gentle reminder to encourage members to follow our guideline about this.

The difference between giving advice and making a suggestion is saying for example, Giving advice = "You need to do this or that" versus "What about trying XXXX or XXXX?   I did this in a similar situation and it worked well for me."

Or,

"You are dissociating and you should .........."  versus "It may be that what you are experiencing is dissociation meaning you 'go away emotionally' basically so you don't have to experience difficult feelings.  I would dissociate when XXXXXXXX happened and here's what I did to help myself - XXXXXXXXX.  There are some resources here --links --- if you want to have a look and see if that's what you might be experiencing and what you might do about it."

We are passing along our lived experience which we are well qualified to do, but we are not qualified to give therapy or counseling.

Here is the actual section in our Member Guidelines (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0):

Giving/Receiving Advice

While we encourage members to support and encourage others in theirs recovery, it is important to remember that we are each here to work on our own recovery first and foremost.  Many of us with CPTSD have been trained to be caretakers and recovery for us involves resisting the temptation to do so here at OOTS.   

Feel free to share how you have dealt/coped with various situations and to make suggestions (as long as they are phrased as such) - that's the purpose of this forum, but please don't make blanket statements like "You *should* do this and that" based on what you think and/or have read in the resources about CPTSD.  Another person's situation may be very different from yours.  Often, people need to come to their own conclusions in their own time frame. We are all coming from different stages, situations, and backgrounds. 

If a pattern of giving too much advice to others and not focusing on one's own recovery is noted, the member will be warned and if the behaviour persists, possibly banned.

Sometimes it can be hard to get going on journaling so I've included some prompts I came across online that may be useful to help you get writing.  The idea is to take one or two at a time.

1. My greatest fear as a child was...

2. My childhood home felt...

3. When I was sad, my mother would...

4. When my mother was angry, she would...

5. My father made me feel...

6. The thing I wish my family understood is...

7. The first time I remember feeling shame was when...

8. The person I needed to love me the most was...

9. I felt unloved by...

10. I felt love by...

11. I hated it when...

12. I am still angry about...

13. It's not my fault that...

14.  I need to forgive myself for ...

15.  I am triggered by ...

16. When I am triggered I feel...

17  I can better cope when I am triggered by ...

18.  My greatest fear as a child was...

19. My greatest fear as a teenager was...

20. My greatest fear as a young adult was...

21. My greatest fear now is ...

22. I can show myself more kindness, understanding, and compassion by ...

23. The ways in which In what ways my trauma impacts my current behaviors and thought processes are ...

24.  The ways in which my trauma makes me weaker/stronger are ...

Link - https://allthatwonder.com/journal-prompts-for-childhood-trauma-recovery/

Should we forgive our abuser(s) or not?  Here are a few articles to help you think about the issue.

"Why Forgiveness Isn't Required in Trauma Recovery: Imposing Forgiveness can be Problematic in Trauma Treatment."  (Feb 2022) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202202/why-forgiveness-isn-t-required-in-trauma-recovery

"Why We Don't Always Have to Forgive" (Sept 2019) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/romantically-attached/201909/why-we-dont-always-have-to-forgive

"5 Reasons Why Trauma Survivors Shouldn't Forgive" (May 2022) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202205/5-reasons-why-trauma-survivors-shouldn-t-forgive

"How Forgiving Others Helps You to Restore Your Own Humanity" (Dec 2022) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-forgiving-life/202210/how-forgiving-others-helps-you-to-restore-your-own-humanity

"How to Practice Forgiveness" (Dec 2022) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/a-shared-existence/202212/how-to-practice-forgiveness

"The Strengths of Trauma Survivors in Times of Crisis: Why trauma survivors may function better than others during crises." (Jul 2022)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202207/the-strengths-trauma-survivors-in-times-crisis

I've always thought that we (trauma survivors) often do well in times of crisis, and it's important to recognize that our symptoms can be strengths, even if we might not want them and would cheerfully give our rights arm not to suffer from them.  But thinking about how they can continue to help us in certain ways may make them more bearable, not something I'd really considered before reading this article.

Trauma survivors may have distinctive internal experiences that may not be shared by those who haven't experienced trauma. It's these experiences that might provide you with an advantage in your ability to emotionally cope and function during crises."

There are many people who've experienced trauma who are having adverse reactions to the crises in our world. In fact, many trauma survivors report experiencing increased trauma triggers as a result of these events. However, there are also survivors who report feeling calm, prepared, and even empowered. Your experiences of trauma could be providing you with your own unique strengths.

Here's a personal example. I was really good at dealing with the requirements for keeping myself and others safe during the Covid pandemic, but I was very badly triggered by those who would not get vaccinated and picketed hospitals, drove around with freedom signs on their vehicles, etc.  The vast majority seemed horribly selfish to me, just like my family of origin. That took a BIG toll on me, but I see now that my ability to prepare and organize in the face of a potentially life threatening situation means I am still alive and kicking because I know how to survive.

Just a quick announcement that I added some books to the three sub-sections in the Books resource section here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/books-1/.

This thread was started by Blueberry and reached 5 pages so I've locked that thread and am starting Part 2.

This topic has been moved to Garbage Can.

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14639.0

This topic has been moved to Garbage Can.

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14897.0

Our IT folks will be migrating OOTF and OOTS today and it is possible that a few new posts may be lost.  It might be an idea to keep a copy of any of your posts in case this happens or avoid posting until tomorrow or the next day just to make sure.

Kizzie

I'm back on the porch after a long while away and curled up in my chair watching the bonfire with my cup of cocoa and lovely warm lap blanket.  Missed sitting with all of you under the starry sky!

[do]

We're at Part 8 (we close out parts when they hit 5 pages) which tells me we do have good things in our lives so keep this thread going, little or big all good things matter.

The "Of Course" Method: A Crucial Defensive Technique to Neutralize Narcissistic Abuse, by Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, March 2022

I really like this and it works!

This is Kizzie's husband.  She will be inactive on this forum for a while.  She is still struggling and has admitted herself to the local hospital services.  She is safe and had her initial meeting with her staff yesterday.  It will take a while to identify the source(s) of her distress and then to develop treatment.  I will handle new member requests and will run by her any oddities that come up.  She will likely check in herself periodically, but you wont see her full time on the boards.  Thank you

This was posted by Hope in the Conferences thread so thought I'd also post it here.  Kizzie

Hi everyone,
There is a free event from 11th October to 17th October 2022 which is called the 'Psychedelic Assisted Therapy Global Summit' and they list it has being helpful for: Healing trauma, evolving consciousness and relieving human trauma.  It is on Pacific time 8am to 6pm for those 7 days.  There are quite a few speakers and it looks interesting.

Here is a link - and it's free to register:
https://spiritualgrowthevents.com/events/psychedelic-assisted-global-therapy-summit/

Hope 

One thing I've noticed in my wanderings through the literature associated with relational abuse/neglect is that we are not as well seen as other groups subjected to trauma.  For example soldiers (and now others such as EMTs, fire fighters, etc) are now well known for suffering from PTSD and there is a lot of funding going toward research and treatment.  It wasn't always this way.  It was the Vietnam vets who organized and let it be known they were a traumatized group in need of acknowledgement treatment, services and support. 

Other groups such as Black Lives Matter, All Children Matter, Me Too are now becoming well known because they have  come together and are using their voices to tell the worlds about their traumatization.

But how do we, the "behind closed doors" survivors do this? Our abuse/neglect takes place behind closed doors and we are silenced because we are often threatened, alone and unseen.  I know in my heart we must throw open the door, come together and make our presence and needs known in a big way or we will never receive the funding, attention, acknowledgment that leads to treatment, services and support we need.

But how do we do this?  How do we become a movement?

I posted this elsewhere in a thread Papa Coco started about recovery but thought it might be an idea to copy it here as well because it's such a 'good' example of what covert Ns will do,  Overt Ns are easier to recognize but IMO we have to write about the covert ones as they take a lot longer to figure out, to see them for what they are and what they are doing. 

Being able to see the behaviours of covert Ns for what it is and learning to validate our gut feelings that something is not right. hopefully will shave years off trying to decide if we are being abused or not.  My mantra is trust your gut but also have a look at the symptoms of CPTSD (https://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms).  If you have them be they mild or severe it's a pretty safe bet you were abused no matter how covert the behaviour of the N in your life.

My NB got married again this past weekend and my 94 yr old NM attended.  Apparently in the middle of things she had some sort of heart issue, insisted she was fine (so that everyone would fuss and insist she go to the hospital - we've seen this particular move from the N playbook before).  And apparently it took 5 people (likely 5 strong musclemen types) to hold my B back from going to the hospital with her (which would be delightful for her of course).  Off she went in the ambulance, got a checkover and some medication,  and was back in time for the last dance.

So of course she would have a medical issue at his wedding, and of course she would email me about it with pictures attached of her sitting on the wharf where she lives with my aunt and uncle having a lovely lunch and a drink not two days later.

On my wedding day she asked me to pick up her dress from the cleaners and I did can you imagine?!  I have no recollection of this but my H insists it happened.

This is what Ns do, this is what she has always done and this is why I stay as far away as I can.  It's both funny and heartbreaking at the same time.

Yup.

So I had an appointment for therapy yesterday with a psychologist at the clinic I am hoping to get Ketamine  treatment at.

Just to recap, I managed to convince my GP that the clinic was legit, led by a psychiatrist and staffed by psychologists (many who are trained in trauma), and advanced care paramedics,  and that there is research data demonstrating it is helpful for people with PTSD/CPTSD. She is going to clear me to get the treatment but first I need to get my blood pressure down as high BP is a contraindication for the treatment. I started the med this week and am beginning to see lower readings but it may be a week or two before it stabilizes enough to clear me.

The therapist did know about Complex PTSD - hurrah! She got everything I told her - what a good feeling. She is going to start the paperwork for treatment rather than wait until I have the actual clearance my GP.  That will reduce any delay getting an appointment as they have a waiting list.  I will be assessed by a psychiatrist, will get labs done including an ECG, and I will have prep sessions with her. I feel so much safer knowing they take a lot of precautions.

I guess the prep sessions involve formulating what you intend (hope) to get from the treatment.  Apparently if you know what you want it makes difference as to what you get out of it versus just going where the medication takes you. An example would be intentionally tapping into and igniting your protective and/or nurturing self to help you recover and live a more positive life.  Well I am down with that that's for sure. 

She said she has seen some good results with those who have CPTSD and PTSD but of course warned me to be cautious about my expectations in case it does not work well for me.  That's going to be hard I admit.

I often forget to check if there are attachments and the system doesn't flag me so if you do attach something please feel free to PM me to let me know it's there and waiting for approval.

This topic has been moved to Therapy.

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14841.0