Anger

[holidayay]

I seem to have reached the 'anger phase' in my healing journey. I find I dip in and out of anger when things are going well and I'm being well supported, maybe because it allows me to feel I am valid in my own right, and my needs are valid that it brings up past memories where I was NOT ALLOWED to have negative reactions at all. My mum and eldest sister in particular would rile me up SO MUCH and be so nasty and/or inappropriate and push me and push me - its like they would push me to get angry and then react with either outright fury or silent fury or an infuriating 'sssshhhhh! Look at you getting all riled up, forget I even brought it up! sssh' (my mum LOVED to do this). She'd say deliberate inflammatory remarks then I'd get angry and I just remember her smirk, she enjoyed the whole thing so much. My god, remembering this now makes me so mad. I've been no contact for a while and honestly, maybe I sound awful, but remembering all the frustrating ways in which she would deliberately invoke reactions in us makes me so mad, I begin to feel vengeful and just like....who does she think she is?! I hate narcissism, NPD is so vile, it makes me so mad thinking of all the things they enjoy doing to people that involves hurting others!

Anyone else experienced feeling this angry? I've seen on various sites that getting angry is a good thing..a sign that i am feeling mu rights and worth and identifying with the ways in which i was wronged and having this response towards that. I just don't know what to DO with this seemingly delayed anger. I mean, it was always there when the incidents first happend, but I had to suppress and contain my anger rigidly at the time to survive and now its popping up out of context and away from the abusive people - where am i supposed to direct it at? and HOW do i process it?? 

[Three Roses]

I definitely relate to this level of anger. It's been a long time coming but I'm back in touch with the anger I felt when I was younger, but could never label correctly. So, it took the form of addictive, self-destructive behavior (suicide on the installment plan).

I figure that I was really angry as a kid but could not express my anger AT. ALL. so it's up to me now to allow that part of me, an inner child, to be able to express herself freely. Writing fits this need to a T for me. Especially handwriting, which uses a different part of the brain than typing and seems to call up a more emotional response.

Some other things that help me are journaling here and getting the supportive feedback that I can't get with a handwritten journal, and exercise.

Good luck with this - I'm sure others will have more insights and will post their favorite ways to start expressing anger.

[Blueberry]

holidayay,

At some point in healing, anger becomes more prevalent. Yes I'd say it's really important for healing. If you have a therapist, that's definitely a good place to take your anger. Depending on your therapist, you may be able to express yourself with them in a way you can't on here.

You can also check posts on the Affective Dysregulation (e.g. anger) Board https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=246.0 Other mbrs have asked your questions and been answered. btw I realise it's a large board here and not easy to always remember what is where, especially when you are new.

[Kizzie]

My mum and eldest sister in particular would rile me up SO MUCH and be so nasty and/or inappropriate and push me and push me - its like they would push me to get angry and then react with either outright fury or silent fury or an infuriating 'sssshhhhh! Look at you getting all riled up, forget I even brought it up! sssh' (my mum LOVED to do this). She'd say deliberate inflammatory remarks then I'd get angry and I just remember her smirk, she enjoyed the whole thing so much. My god, remembering this now makes me so mad.

In my case it was my NPD B who would do this and b/c he was the golden child I always looked like the one with the problem.  I still feel anger when I see someone smirk to this day, doesn't have to be at me - and that's not a bad thing imo. It's a power thing and it should make us step away from the person IMO. 

Here's an excerpt from Pete Walker's web site you might find helpful:

Angering Diminishes Fear and Shame - Angering is the grieving technique of aggressively complaining about current or past losses and injustices. Survivors  need to anger - sometime rage - about the intimidation, humiliation or neglect that was passed off to them as nurturance in their childhoods. As they become adept at grieving, they anger out their healthy resentment at their family's pervasive lack of safety – at the ten thousand betrayals of no-one-to-go-to for guidance or protection, no one to appeal to for fairness or appreciative recognition of their developmental achievements. [My book, The Tao of Fully Feeling, Harvesting Forgiveness Out Of Blame, outlines a safe process for angering out childhood pain in a way that does not hurt the individual or anyone else.] Angering is therapeutic when the survivor rails against childhood trauma, and especially when she rails against its living continuance in the self-hate processes of the critic. Angrily saying "No!" or "Shut Up!" to the critic, the proxy of her parents, externalizes the anger. It stops her from turning her anger against herself, and allows her to revive the lost instinct of defending herself against unjust attack. Moreover, it rescues her from toxic shame, as it reverses Erik Eriksen's famous equation: "Shame is blame turned against the self." Angering redirects blame where it belongs.

Angering can be done alone or in the presence of a validating witness, such as a trusted friend or therapist. Over time the vast majority of angering needs to be done silently in the privacy of one's own psyche, as one learns to recognize and respond to inner critic attack with self-protective, anger-empowered thought-stopping. Many survivors are so identified with the critic, that it becomes their whole identity. Such survivors typically need to focus on fighting off the critic until they have established the healthy egoic function of self-protection. Until then, they typically derive little benefit from practicing the more subtle techniques of critic-management  that are practiced in many Psychodynamic and Mindfulness approaches. Embracing Your Inner Critic by Stone & Stone describes many of these techniques which can be helpful in later recovery, once the virulent, totalitarian voice of the inner critic has been sufficiently quelled.Angering also serves to rescue the individual from the childlike sense of powerlessness he is flashing back to. It reminds him that he inhabits an adult body and has greater capacity for self-protection than he did as a child. As such, angering serves to antidote or reduce fear. It reawakens and nurtures the instinct of self-protection. With practice it increasingly builds a sense of both outer and inner boundaries – safety from the bullying of others and safety from the most damaging bully of all – the inner critic. Finally, angering can also empower the myriad thought corrections and substitutions needed to establish the survivor's belief in her own essential goodness and in the lovability of discriminately chosen others. Angering bolsters her for the long-term, gradual process of wrestling her self-image away from the critic and reeducating the psyche to make it both user- and intimacy-friendly.  Angering helps deconstruct repetition compulsion. Until the survivor reconnects with his instinctual anger about the abusive and neglectful behaviors that his parents forbade him to complain about, he risks blindly accepting others' reenactments of these behaviors.

Here's the link as he has some helpful suggestions about processing anger and grief - http://pete-walker.com/pdf/GrievingAndComplexPTSD.pdf.

[holidayay]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your replies - I recently moved cities and only today got the internet up and running so hadn't seen these responses yet. Just wanted to say thank you to all who replied, I really appreciate your contributions and found them very helpful.

[Jazzy]

Holidayay, the more posts of yours I read, the more we seem to have in common. I used to get really angry, sometimes violently so.  Unfortunately, I don't have too much insight to provide on this point though. Feels like I tried everything, but in the end, the only thing that worked for me, was medication.

With that said, I know its rough to deal with, and I hope you find your way through it. Even though it can be very difficult to literally impossible, sometimes just talking it through can help when you're in the moment.

Take care!

[holidayay]

Holidayay, the more posts of yours I read, the more we seem to have in common. I used to get really angry, sometimes violently so.  Unfortunately, I don't have too much insight to provide on this point though. Feels like I tried everything, but in the end, the only thing that worked for me, was medication.

With that said, I know its rough to deal with, and I hope you find your way through it. Even though it can be very difficult to literally impossible, sometimes just talking it through can help when you're in the moment.

Take care!

Hey Jazzy 

I agree, sometimes just talking it through can definitely help when you're in the thick of it. I've also found that letting the anger build (as uncomfortable as it can get) and then ranting to a friend who can handle my stuff OR being really honest and raw about what my thoughts are - usually resulting in tears - can really help clear up some of that anger. I remember finding out that anger is a secondary emotion, usually the primary emotions behind it that fuels it is hurt that goes unacknowledged - whether by ourselves or another - so for me, remembering this and tapping into the origin of the anger has been helping.

I'm still having some bouts of it now. Its odd, I'm enjoying work a lot but feel like pandora's box was opened and will not close just because i am now employed and have things to do so i'm making room for it. I purchased a book called 'you can thrive after narcissistic abuse' - just started doing the exercises tonight and its making me feel hopeful.

[Jazzy]

Glad to hear you've taken some good steps, and have found some options that help.

[Bach]

I'm still too afraid of my anger, it makes me panicky and sick.  I got angry today in therapy, and for a moment, it felt powerful and good to be righteously and justifiably angry, but only for a moment.  I've been feeling queasy and unhinged from it ever since.

[Tee]

  Bach it's ok I get that way too

[Jazzy]

I'm still too afraid of my anger, it makes me panicky and sick.  I got angry today in therapy, and for a moment, it felt powerful and good to be righteously and justifiably angry, but only for a moment.  I've been feeling queasy and unhinged from it ever since.

Hope you feel better soon!