Hoping my family would acknowledge it

[Blueberry]

I hoped for acknowledgement from FOO for years and if I'm being honest from others too like those now in the course of becoming ex-friends. I really believe I can only heal when I allow myself to set and respect my own boundaries, which means not swallowing what people would have me believe e.g. it wasn't that bad. It was though, it was terrible abuse. Just look at the repercussions! They're on my Journal.

I also want to go slightly off-topic and respond to worries of over-long posts. But my post got rather long so I've posted it here instead: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14607.0

[Papa Coco]

Waiting for acknowledgement from my FOO and from the ex-friends who treated me like I was less than human nearly drove me crazy.

Once I learned that not one single person would ever apologize, or even acknowledge what they'd done to me, I found my peace. They were bullies. They're NOT sorry. I had to accept that. Once I did...whew! I was able to start looking forward in life rather than constantly looking backward waiting for what I was never going to get. I guess you could say I "cut my losses and moved on."

I hope you're able to do the same.

[dollyvee]

Papa Coco I'm sorry you had to go through that growing up. I know how cruel people can be "out in the world" and how it's magnified when you have a narcissistic family. In the end we're just kids who needed to be loved and cared for no matter what. It takes a lot to come out of that with empathy in tact.

Sending you support.

dolly

[johnram]

thank you Blueberry, i appreciate what you said below. 

i have a strong anger with "forgive and forget" type statements.  As i peel layers and see others actions or often inactions, i see again and again the failing of my family, outside of the outright damage and trauma, but that ongoing abandonment and neglect....anyway will pause there before a ramble

I hoped for acknowledgement from FOO for years and if I'm being honest from others too like those now in the course of becoming ex-friends. I really believe I can only heal when I allow myself to set and respect my own boundaries, which means not swallowing what people would have me believe e.g. it wasn't that bad. It was though, it was terrible abuse. Just look at the repercussions! They're on my Journal.

I also want to go slightly off-topic and respond to worries of over-long posts. But my post got rather long so I've posted it here instead: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14607.0

[Denverite]

I'm getting to the point of understanding my family will never acknowledge my pain as well. It was really validating to read this comment chain because it seems like we all harbor the same fantasy: if only we phrase things in just the right, they will finally apologize and love us. But they simply don't have the capacity to meet us where we need them to be; that's why they hurt us in the beginning.

I remember talking to my father two decades ago. It was just a couple of years after I told him I hated him and I wanted him out of my life for bullying us, beating my mother, and threatening to kill us on basically every visit after my parents split. He had the *audacity* to say "well, son, you hurt me, too." 22 year-old-me didn't really get it at the time but I look back on that now as proof of his profound brokenness. He was just that consumed in narcisissm that he could justify his abuse with "well, you hurt me too." I can't remember ever slapping him in the face, beating him, intentionally terrifying him, or threatening to kill him, but I'm sure 6-year-old me made his life hellll   

[Kizzie]

Just to take this back to your original post Johnram, of course we want our families to own up to their abuse and to apologize. It's such a deep, deep wound that a human response from them would quickly heal.

Sadly, if they have abused/neglected us chances are they will never do so and that of course results in a lot of sadness and anger on our part. So part of our journey is acknowledging and validating those feelings as you have said you are trying to do ( ), and then as hard as it seems learn to live with this truth. It can and does happen when you have others to share with and who will listen and provide support and comfort. We are here and most of us have dealt or are dealing with similar feelings so we do understand.

    

[Kizzie]

I didn't realize this was an old thread and Johnram has not been on the forum for a long while, but I think what I said still holds true. And Denverite - I feel your pain and I know many others here do as well.   

[Desert Flower]

Yes, Denverite, I got to that point as well some years ago. (Although sometimes when I don't pay attention, I relapse.) But I know my mom will never acknowledge what happened and how damaging it was. And I don't expect her to anymore.

Very valuable Kizzie what you said here too. We should be looking elsewhere for the validation and support we need (here among other places  ). And that way we'll be healthier.

Denverite, it's horrible what that 6 year old went through, none of that ever should have happened. Just to let that be said.

I would like to share a story here that confirmed my mom will never acknowledge. If it's too long, just skip it.

After my dad died (I'll post something about that elsewhere) my mother found a new partner. He did not seem so bad at first, but later on it turned out he could be awfully stubborn and hard headed, we did see that. But my mom seemed to be happy with him, if only for not being alone anymore, this was quite a big deal for her. And this man had children from his late wife, these children were now adults like me. And his son did not want to be in touch with him anymore. And the two daughters did not have a warm relationship with their dad either, that much was clear. And my mom would blame his kids for the lack of contact they had with their dad. It was always their fault, not his. There was something wrong with them for sure, she said. She said they had autism, and she said it in a very derogatory and nasty way. And after this man developed Alzheimers there was a time when his oldest daughter started talking to my mom about how bad their childhood had been. How he had never praised them or said anything nice at all. Just provided what material things they needed and that was that. And how brusque he could be and angry etc. And how she and her brother had been in therapy for it. She told my mom!!! And then my mom told me and let it be known that she thaught all of this was just rubbish and his children were just weird and wrong and bad. And all I could think was: How did his eldest daughter ever come up with the idea of telling my mom about it??? Did she really think my mom would understand??? And I felt for the daughter so much. And it made me realise my mom looks normal, compassionate even to outsiders. They think she will validate them. While I knew al along she never would. It was just such a twisted and strange situation. And to think of how my mom and this man were so much alike and what they left their kids with was so awfully similar, is uncanny too.

[Kizzie]

Yikes, did the daughter realize your M did not believe or support her?  And are you in touch with her (the daughter)?  I was thinking it might help you both if you have each other in all of this.

The ability to deny seems to be a huge problem when it comes to some parents. Imagine saying three children are in the wrong against your spouse. Takes quite the ability to discredit and invalidate 3 versus 1. I just posted in another thread about the two famous Alice's (Miller and Munro) who denied abuse of their children. (https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16182.msg145300#msg145300 ) Alice Miller's abuse was particularly difficult to grasp given she is a famous writer about child abuse.

Glad to see this issue being dragged out into the light of day more and more now. 

[Desert Flower]

I do think it could be helpful for me to go over this with the daughter. But I feel I'm very hesitant and apprehensive about it. We don't have much contact with each other at all. Part of me finds it very difficult/impossible to trust her enough to take such a big step. (And what I suspect now that I've thought about this a little bit more, I think I may have taken over some of my mother's narrative about her, which is probably not true.)

[Kizzie]

Certainly there's no pressure to do so, I just wondered if it might end up being a worthwhile endeavour.  It could always go the other way as you touch on.  Relationships are just so fraught for us!