I do notice when I'm.feeling more in my own skin and confident people often give me more awareness. .when i try to hard it doesn't nec get the results I'd like and i lose my center
This
really resonates for me Boats - I too tend to lose my centre when I let people get close - I end up focusing on them and can't quite stay in my own skin because I have been trained to be other referenced versus self-referenced. It just gets difficult to stay in my self.
I think I am better at staying in my own skin around some people, but if I sense someone has any N, abusive or even overly needy traits I pull back.
Right now we're looking to move because unbeknownst to us the lovely new neighbourhood we moved into five years ago has become a retirement zone. We can't go out for a walk or even in our back yard because everyone is retired and wants to chat whenever they see me/us (I am friendly) which then leads to coffee, block parties, all the things that make me lose my sense of safety and space and pulls me out of my skin - right now at least. Fortunately my H is on board because he likes his space too so he likes the idea of a house with some land or at least a neighbourhood that has a better mix of people.
This is when I get really frustrated with this legacy of CPTSD I was gifted by my family. Wanting to move to feel comfortable, having to disconnect from family, and so on - grrrrrr.
Anyway, in my heart of hearts I feel like I will always need my space but as I continue to recover I will become better at staying in my skin and thus will become more willing to let people closer.
Does any of this resonate with you?