I'm learning that rest is precious

[bluepalm]

In a thread below about the answer always being no I read a statement by DecimalRocket which has excited me all morning.

"To many others, the hardest thing is to get out of their "comfort zone", and growing means toughening. But to us with trauma, many of us don't even have a comfort zone to go into, and growing means slowing down. Taking it easier. And resting.

Rest is precious."

It may seem strange but I am only just learning, in my early 70s, that rest is indeed precious and healing. I have driven myself forward all my life - a relentless quest to 'manage' a life that felt fraught, where there was no 'comfort zone', no sense of safety, nowhere to belong, no-one to protect me.  Since my latest crisis, I've been resting - not just withdrawing from people but actively 'taking it easy', drifting through my days, coasting along, shunning commitments, letting go of the feeling that I have to 'manage' the outside world. And it has somehow allowed me to feel, for the first time, how shocking it was that I was so relentlessly traumatised by those around me when I was helpless to protect myself and that I was left so vulnerable.  Respecting my need to rest is allowing me to start feeling the self-compassion I've read about but not fully absorbed before. This is exciting to me. So thank you to DecimalRocket and those who started and commented in that thread. It has helped me a lot.

[sj]

hi bluepalm 

I really click with what you've written about, here.

Some time mid-late last year I saw an article by a woman discussing this topic (wondering/ hoping I archived it somewhere...??) - arguing that the whole trend of 'moving beyond your comfort zone' as good for growth is nonsense for a lot of people, and actually, she was arguing, it undermines growth. I was so excited to read that having been coming to that conclusion over the previous couple of years. For me it covers resting but also just sort of 'nesting' or 'cocooning' in my own space while allowing and validating many forms of aversion and resistance I would previously have pushed through, ignored, or even not consciously registered. That ignoring definitely had serious consequences for my physical health, and I'm finally understanding that it also undermines psychological health.

Would you mind providing the link to the thread you mentioned? I couldn't see it, but I'd be interested to read more on this topic.

cheers for the post 

[bluepalm]

Thanks so much for your response sj. The thread is https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8428.0 - about the answer always being no, and it was started by Phoebes under the Emotional Abuse heading.

[Anjulie]

Hi bluepalm and sj
I feel what you say are really powerfull insights. Thank you, it helps me a lot just now.

[sj]

thanks for that, bluepalm
and hello Anjulie

I found the article I mentioned earlier, which may be of interest
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/nov/16/comfort-zone-mental-health

[Ecowarrior888]

Thank you for this because my triggers are all at home when I'm not being productive. I hear my dads voice..... and I just feel guilty lying on the couch watching TV.

Trying to learn the art of resting. How do you rest?

[Kizzie]

I have blinds and blackout curtains and a white noise machine in the bedroom. I try to retreat there at least once a day, shut the door and lay quietly or nap.  It's my quiet time in my safe zone and I love it. 

[Three Roses]

Ecowarrior888, I sometimes also feel a lot of guilt when I'm just trying to take it easy. For me the key has been learning to recognize the source of those dysfunctional messages - my inner critic, or ICr - and speak the truth in answer to them. For instance, if I hear something like, "You're so lazy, you should be doing something productive, blah blah" I can counter with something like, "Taking a break and nurturing myself is a good thing to do, it's perfectly okay to watch TV, resting makes me stronger" etc or whatever functional message seems to be the healthy answer for the dysfunctional message you are hearing.

One of the first therapists I saw told me to write a list of all those unspoken dysfunctional rules or families handed down to us - don't cry, don't talk about hurting, etc - and rewrite the rules from a non-defensive, functional viewpoint. So for instance, "Don't cry" might be rewritten as "If I'm hurting I can cry" or "I will show my feelings when I need to, in an appropriate way" or something like that. I kept that list for a long time, rereading it whenever necessary. Come to think of it, I may just write it out again! I could use a reminder. 

[Not Alone]

Trying to learn the art of resting. How do you rest?

One of the very difficult parts of my trauma, was being abused, then having to go to school, etc. and ACT NORMAL. I'm still processing this, but I think for me resting means being able to be me with my feelings and not have to pretend to be okay. It looks different at different times. Sometimes being on OOTS and "being" with others who understand. Wrapping up in a blanket, journaling, watching TV or a safe movie, coloring, meditation (YouTube), and just sitting curled up are the ones that come to mind.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Wonderful what is a white noise machine kizzy?

[Kizzie]

what is a white noise machine kizzy?

It's a sound machine with different types of noise like a babbling brook, rain, waves or white noise that's like the sound your TV makes when it's not on an active channel.  It (mostly) drowns out  dogs barking, lawn mowers and such when I'm trying to relax.

There are sites on the Internet that offer the same sounds so you can use your iphone, tablet or computer. 

[Ecowarrior888]

Ecowarrior888, I sometimes also feel a lot of guilt when I'm just trying to take it easy. For me the key has been learning to recognize the source of those dysfunctional messages - my inner critic, or ICr - and speak the truth in answer to them. For instance, if I hear something like, "You're so lazy, you should be doing something productive, blah blah" I can counter with something like, "Taking a break and nurturing myself is a good thing to do, it's perfectly okay to watch TV, resting makes me stronger" etc or whatever functional message seems to be the healthy answer for the dysfunctional message you are hearing.

One of the first therapists I saw told me to write a list of all those unspoken dysfunctional rules or families handed down to us - don't cry, don't talk about hurting, etc - and rewrite the rules from a non-defensive, functional viewpoint. So for instance, "Don't cry" might be rewritten as "If I'm hurting I can cry" or "I will show my feelings when I need to, in an appropriate way" or something like that. I kept that list for a long time, rereading it whenever necessary. Come to think of it, I may just write it out again! I could use a reminder. 

I will definitely try these out. Omg it's amazing I've never talked to people who get it. Who hear similar voices to mine. Who understand why I can't just lie on the couch and rest. Thank you notalone kizzie and threeroses I will try tonight. I'm home alone tonight so i can try some of that and just convince myself it's okay. I am allowed to rest. I worked 10 hours outside. I'm sick and rest is good. And will make me stronger.

[Boatsetsailrose]

What a fabulous thread to start my day to..
Rest... Living restfully and slowing down are such such valuable resources for trauma survivors...

[Kizzie]

   and     and  most of all 

  Kizzie