Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[sanmagic7]

well done, making a pos. list for when you're feeling stuck. 

and very happy to hear she got rid of the fridge.  you did good on that one, too.

hope your appt. went well.  hope your cold goes away soonest.  hope you don't have more storms.  sending love and a hug full of all the best

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, my mind is fuzzy, but want to sent you care. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone  My mind feels all fuzzy today too. That's life with cptsd, I guess. However, thank you for caring.

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Despite the progress I wrote about on the Progress board, I'm having trouble motivating myself in general atm, has been this way for about a week maybe. Especially trouble with housework and with self-care. It could mean that it's difficult to do that concurrently with paid work? Things are improving work-wise but in 'compensation' I'm letting housework and self-care slip. My inner head is nodding. Well, 'have to' and 'should' don't work well for me, but maybe I'll want to do some work to make my surroundings more pleasant, more beautiful, more inviting, and less likely for me to lose things in.

[Not Alone]

Especially trouble with housework and with self-care. It could mean that it's difficult to do that concurrently with paid work? Things are improving work-wise but in 'compensation' I'm letting housework and self-care slip. My inner head is nodding.

I understand this. I often think of all the things I should do in the house, but even working a short shift of 3-5 hours takes a lot out of me. I need to spend a great deal of time re-grouping. Sometimes that means being on OOTS, sometime journaling, netflix binging, staring into space, etc.

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone It's comforting that I also am not alone with spending a great deal of time re-grouping which sometimes means doing activities that sound like a 'waste of time'. I do a lot of reading around on the Internet e.g. of which the most useful is probably being on here.   

This morning I made such a mistake I didn't get out of bed till the early afternoon. Partly just because and partly because I live in a place with a huge Carnival before we move into Lent I was thinking about what to fast from in Lent. One idea was fasting from OOTS for 2 weeks. That might not be such a bad idea. I know there are others on here who sometimes take a break from Internet activities and others who simply don't post as much as I do. And of course I "should" be taking my steps forward, doing them instead of writing about them and spending the time I spend being on OOTS doing more useful things.    That didn't work out too well, it never does. "Should" isn't good for me and fasting I see as restricting myself and that seems to trigger something. So far I've never wanted to feel what it is exactly about restricting that seems so problematic. It could be something 'logical' but it could be because of some particular incident too. I seem much better able to move forward adding a new way of behaving or thinking when other people are fasting. Adding a new way of behaving would be taking one of those concrete beneficial steps or maybe just something I've been intending to do for a good long while and trying it out.

Sometimes people do very thorough house-cleaning during Lent. I actually started yesterday. For instance I finally washed my kitchen floor instead of just sweeping or vacuuming. It looks much better and I feel better too.

An act of self-care I did a week or so ago was finally go and get a hearing test. One ear is perfect, the other not so much so I'm meant to go to a doc about it. I will. But at least I've finally done the hearing test after thinking about it for about 6 months.

I realised today when I was out and about that I need to be careful of myself and my ICs. I really like Carnival but it can be a slightly triggering time as well, e.g. if I suddenly feel I don't belong or if I suddenly feel there's something wrong with me that I'm out and about on my own. FOO always used to criticise me and make fun of me for being on my own, in a really mean way too. It's taken me a long time in healing to come back to the conclusion that I actually like being on my own. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

[sanmagic7]

i think the whole lent thing is very individual.  i was raised religiously, and us kids gave up candy for lent.  however, my M made the exception for Sundays.  her own reason, i guess.   when i was in college, i used to give up smoking.  it never lasted long, tho.  that was an attempt to do something positive for myself by restricting it. 

does 'taking your steps forward' mean that if you post on the forum, that doesn't happen?  i know that, for me, posting what's going on w/ me is a step forward in itself.  it gets me out of my comfort zone at times of believing i have to do everything on my own, that compliments don't count for me, and that support is non-existent.  every time one of those things happen, it chips away at ICr talk just that much more.  but, i know this isn't the same for everyone.

i like your idea of doing something beneficial - that could be a restriction on doing nothing, or doing something harmful, if it needs to have a restrictive feel to it.

just thoughts coming out.  i know you'll figure out what's best for you.  love and hugs, my dear blueberry.

[Blueberry]

The answer is extra pressure - and giving something up for 6 weeks would involve pressure - is not good for me. A restrictive feel to anything isn't helpful for me, tends to be triggering.

san, I guess I was thinking I should be more like some others on here who are getting on with life, really moving forwards, and only drop by from time to time to post. But Should is never good for me, so it's probably better to admit to myself that I still need support from here and accept that needy part of myself.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry,
This may be way off base, if so, please just disregard. I was thinking of the Bible verse that says that the KINDNESS of God leads to repentance (Romans 2:4). Maybe if you want to practice Lent, instead of giving something up, you could think of a small kind thing to do for yourself each day, and consider that a kindness from God. Again, if this doesn't make sense or fit for you, just disregard.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

should is never good for me, either.  nor is comparing.  you deserve all the care, comfort, and support you require.  my neediness wavers from hour to hour sometimes, and i'll be here, checking in several times a day, or, if it's not the right thing for me, i'll stay away for a bit.  as you know, this stuff is completely individual, and may i just say that i love your individuality.  when you talk about your gardening, or riding your bike or working at the farm it always makes me smile. 

just keep taking care of you, however that may look, ok?  you're amazing.  love and hugs

[Sceal]

I think it is really great that you washed your kitchen floor and that it left you with a good feeling.  And it's great that you went to go get that hearing check for your self. Taking care of yourself isn't easy! Doing those things are steps forward, and they are the right steps for you.

You talk about 'shoulds'. you taught me through your journals that 'shoulds' and 'have tos' aren't good things. It was really an eye-opener for me when I realised the same thing reading your journals and your thoughts. 'Shoulds' are so destructive. It can get very constricting, just by thinking the word I feel like I'm being choked. Comparing yourself with what other do and doesn't do might not be so helpful for your own progression or healing. Other people's paths are theirs, you are free to make your own path. Make the choices you feel are good for you.
And if that means doing things in a slower pace than others? Then that's what you need.

[Blueberry]

I was thinking of the Bible verse that says that the KINDNESS of God leads to repentance (Romans 2:4). Maybe if you want to practice Lent, instead of giving something up, you could think of a small kind thing to do for yourself each day, and consider that a kindness from God.

This is a brilliant idea, notalone! Thank you so much!

[Blueberry]

Sceal and san, you're both right! Thank you so much for your reminders and your kindness to me. 'Shoulds' and 'have tos' are not good for me, nor is comparing. I suppose that's my ICr. making itself heard when I start comparing myself with others again.
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With notalone's suggestion that I try to do one kind thing to myself a day in Lent instead of trying to give something up, I decided to make a Kindness thread https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13156.0 which other mbrs are free to add to.

As I wrote today my act of kindness was to decide on the spur of the moment to go to a Catholic/Protestant joint Ash Wednesday church service and there I learnt some things about Lent! Religion, belief, spirituality is something I've only got to know as an adult so I'm still learning lots. The priest mentioned people give up things like meat, alcohol, sugar for Lent but really often they're doing that for themselves. I'm a prime example of that, thinking that I can hopefully use Lent to get my eating somewhat better in control. Of course, it wouldn't have panned out anyway. The priest said that fasting in Lent is more about getting closer to God (or to spirituality you could say too), so slowing down, becoming more aware and self-aware.

Well, that's what we try to do on here too isn't it? So sure, if fasting from some type(s) of food were to help me feel more and become more self-aware and move on in healing, that would be beneficial, but what I was thinking of instead would just set me up to fail again and isn't even what Lent is really about! So instead a daily act of kindness towards myself, and trying for more spirituality in my life. I'll be helped in the latter merely by going to church more often and by going to choir practice. 

The priest and the minister both said in different ways something like - we're human, we're not perfect. So that reminds me to not expect 120% from myself either. I also feel totally self-forgiving about not realising what Lent is really about. 

[Not Alone]

You're welcome. Glad the idea was helpful to you and that I took the risk to write it; I was feeling hesitant. 

[Blueberry]

The answer is extra pressure - and giving something up for 6 weeks would involve pressure - is not good for me. A restrictive feel to anything isn't helpful for me, tends to be triggering.

Today I remembered also that finding joy in my life is really important, essential really, to keep depression at bay. Depression is one of my huuuuge cptsd symptoms or comorbidity or whatever it is. Freeze modus from a very young age. How could I have forgotten I need joy? Joy is something I find when I concentrate on my senses: seeing colour, smelling pleasant scents, listening to pleasant sounds, touching certain surfaces or feeling the sun on my face. I can also feel joy in doing something I've long planned to do but have been putting off because...

I suppose it would be a kindness to myself to let joy back in.

[Blueberry]

No response yet to those FOO emails. Maybe there never will be. Who knows.

A response came today and it's not all bad. There is at least some short-term clarity and some more money upcoming.

As others have written on the forum, money issues especially poverty are stressful. I agree because I'm once again noticing that. I have been working out what my income could rise too, maximum, and it's not 'pretty' putting it mildly. I know that it's even difficult sometimes to remain in your circle of friends / acquaintances when you're poor (and they're not) because they meet in a cafe or go to a movie and you don't have the money for that. I'm very lucky in that some of my friends appreciate the problem and pay for me, but in a way that's not condescending or anything.

In fact this stress about impending poverty is probably part of what's been sending me back into EFs or just depression, that and probably just the usual FOO stuff, of feeling messed around, not being dealt with in a straightforward way, and their excuses. The current one: "we've haven't checked our emails for a few weeks". I think to myself: "Well, why don't you? Wouldn't that make sense?" and I also think: "Oh, yeah? So you mean you don't check for other emails? You don't get photos of your grandchildren anymore via email?"

There's still not enough FOO clarity to help with my citizenship application though. Oh well.