Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Not Alone]

I suppose it would be a kindness to myself to let joy back in.

I like that. 

[sanmagic7]

 

what a great idea.  i'm looking forward now to the day when i can do that.  excellent, blueberry.  love and hugs!

[Blueberry]

I used to write my Little Book of Daily Joys. That helped me see what really brings me joy. Not what I thought I 'should' be doing today, but I accept myself anyway: I spent quite a lot of the day curled up warm under a blanket. I know just feeling warm and calm gives me a sense of joy. Also speaking to someone who is generally smiley and cheerful - I did go across to the market to speak to the farm people today and there was the most cheerful person from the farm I felt more cheerful right away.

I also have a sense of achievement about a number of things in the past few days. That gives me joy too. Sense of achievement: (1) my FOO correspondence has brought some changes, some clarity, some progress from FOO    (2) I got an adult student to see what I meant by going ahead and doing a particular type of exercise he hadn't thought he needed help with and certainly not doing it the way experience tells me is useful. I keep seeing that in my head - him smiling happily and saying 'Thank you. Now I understand!!'

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I like the sound of your Little Book of Daily Joys.  I had a book of gratitude.  I'd forgotten about it, and might look for it again.  It was nice to write things in that book. 

I'm glad you kept walm and calm and that you felt a sense of joy, that is lovely.    for the sense of achievement you've had as well.  Also wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Sceal]

I have had a similar book to Blueberry that has helped me out from depressions and dark places. I just never stick with it for long enough for it to be a daily practice all year round

But it is writing down 1-5 things that either made me joyful or grateful during the day. It forces me to think about the more positive sides of the day.
And on particularly difficult days it can just be that I have X in my life. Or that I have running water in my tap that I can drink.

[Blueberry]

I have - once again - tonsillitis, so I won't be around for a while. Should be warm in bed with hot drinks etc.

[Snowdrop]

I hope you feel better soon.

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
I would like to wish you the best for your recovery from tonsillitis, and I hope you have some soothing drinks and whatever you need to make your recuperation comfortable.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

o, dear, get well soon, blueberry.  wishing you all the healing energy possible!  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you all 
_________________________________

I still have tonsillitis and I'm mostly resting in bed these days. An adult student of mine brought me a whole grocery bag of throat-soothing foods and also some flowers. 

In the days before I got sick, I didn't get on with things I "should have", maybe because I was sickening for something? Or maybe it was the beginning of an EF after all. Reading Pete Walker last night - I seem to have been involved in workaholism to the extent I can manage that anyway. More students, more teaching and when not doing that, then recuperating in non-constructive ways like roaming around on the Internet, reading news etc. Not exclusively. I did do some garden work on one day and that was good. I didn't get on with washing dishes or laundry. Now I remember how important it is to keep the basics like washing dishes going. I started on the dishes yesterday so that I had a saucepan to heat up soup in and I did some more today. I didn't overdo it.

Today it was especially good to wash dishes as a grounding exercise after I had a kind of pain flashback. I usually have painful ears during a tonsillitis bout and the past few days have been no exception

***TW *** CPA / sibling abuse

It was suddenly like I felt B1's fists on my ears and the continued pain afterwards. Then I remembered the pain I flashed back to a while ago of having been punched on the nose by B1. That happened pretty often, I don't know about fists on ears how often that happened. I also remember the anticipated pain of being punched on the nose, when I knew it was coming I suppose or maybe when frightened of it happening.

*** End TW ****

I think it was in Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling" (anyway somewhere in his works) where I read yesterday that the inner critic is the internalised criticising parent or other authority figure from the past. Now I get it! That's why B1 turns up so much as ICr, together with M - he was given a role of authority over me even though he's not even 2 years older. Since he was aided and abetted in that role by M and enF, there was no way I was capable of changing it. I was at their mercy. For a long time the impact he had on me was dismissed by Ts and other professionals. My current T doesn't see it that way, but for years of healing, it was like 'shrug, siblings fight'.

Today I tried to contact and soothe an IChild, but actually it seemed more an Inner Teen who was affected. I tried saying the things Pete Walker suggests, like "You're safe now. I'll protect you now. I won't let them hurt you again. If need be, I'll call the police, deal the abusers a blow myself...Whatever it takes. I won't let them hurt you ever again." An IC I've heard before said "No you won't, you don't protect us and you can't". Sometimes I have Inner Teens and Inner Children together, like my 7 yo is often with an IT, and the ICs tend to be more willing to speak than the ITs. I still feel kind of flummoxed. Possibly that was enough for one day and I can just let things sit for a bit and they'll work away on their own. Tbh my ICs not reacting the way they "should" is part of what puts me off IC work. Not that there should be a particular way for anybody's inner parts to function. Instead I need to accept my inner parts and myself for where we are on the healing path and accept that methods that used to work (I've done a lot of IC work in the past) maybe don't work so well anymore.

I did some Screen Work too to banish B1. I had to put even more protective barriers than normal.

Well, one good thing about being sick, I have time to let things bubble up to the surface. I can't run around being busy to unconsciously prevent that happening.

[sanmagic7]

funny how that works - our bodies make us take the time to think.  amazing to me.  but, i am sorry you're still sick.  i know how much that sucks.

being double-teamed by abusers can complicate things.  not only are there 2 different sources of abuse (this is my opinion, because i'm also dealing with a triple-team effect) but the idea that one backs up the other seems to me to have an exponential effect of how traumatic the abuse ends up being.  to have to battle one type of abuse from one abuser is one thing; to have to battle 2 types of abuse from 2 different abusers has to take in both personalities, ways of being, their interactions between themselves and the fallout of that on you.  it's like 1 + 1 = 16. 

no wonder your inner children end up confused and untrusting of you being able to take care of them.  they were hit by uneven odds.  maybe they need a superhero to intervene.  we could all have used that kind of help, i think.

i find taking a day to do chores, physical activity, to be grounding as well.  it always gives my brain a little bit of rest from looking at screens or thinking too much.  both the focus and the energy are changed, and it seems to help somehow.

keep taking care of you, blueberry.  love that someone brought you flowers!  sending love and hugs full of healing energy!

[Blueberry]

Thank you san 
____________________________

I came back on here to read and write b/c it's a bit lonely being stuck at home sick and not able to speak because of throat pain.

More came up last night and continuing on today. I remember reading in one of Pete Walker's books about allowing children healthy venting e.g. in this case he allowed his 6yo son to stomp all the way up the stairs, possibly saying how dumb or mean someone was, maybe even his own dad, I don't remember exactly. By the time junior got to the top of the stairs all the anger was out and everything was good again. When I first read that months ago, I thought - but you can't allow your child to do that, they have to learn not to. (thinking from FOO-perspective).

Now today is the first time I can see that differently. I had a stair-stomping episode when I was a few years older in fact I was 10yo for which I received corporal punishment from F. Tbh I feel shame as I write that I did stair-stomping at 10, BUT I realised today that there was no healthy methods of dealing with annoyance or anger in FOO, so what was I to do? Before then I'd cried a lot, for which I received all sorts of abuse, and I was doing SH by then too. No healthy methods of dealing with anger. Nobody punished B1 ever for taking out his anger on me, physically. Isn't that far, far worse: beating up your younger sister (even if she didn't have to go to hospital on a/c of it ) than stomping up the stairs? I remember during the punishment hearing: "This has got to stop". Wouldn't it have been 'nice' if F could have been so forceful (and I don't mean thru corporal punishment) in getting B1 and M to stop taking their anger out on me? Tho I have to admit at the time and years later I would have been glad if B1 had been punished the way I was. He was for other misdemeanors, but not for taking his anger out on me.

Corporal punishment in my FOO was mixed with CSA, though not in F's case. It was meant to not just hurt physically but to humiliate and degrade, and to have other FOO mbrs laughing at you and ridiculing you about it. It was an easy way to control me, at least in the ways that I could control myself. I couldn't stop crying, so corporal punishment wasn't 'helpful' there, but in getting me to shut down and never say 'no' to B1 e.g. or I guess in not giving vent to anger at all, oh yes, very helpful. The fact that the way M did it was sexualised (see some of this thread https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=5727.0) makes it really difficult for me to talk about or heal from. I mean, it's so difficult that I can hardly say it in therapy, I'm so frightened of re-triggering myself and I'm so frightened of it being minimised. Not that my T minimises at all, but still the fear is there. Also it's embarrassing, for me anyway.

It is a step forward that I feel less shame for stair-stomping at 10, that I've even managed to write about it, and that I realised if stair-stomping was so wrong 'a display of temper' as they said in FOO, then what about all that violence done to people that simply went without comment (except for when I started complaining as a teen about B1 - then it was 'not very often', 'you didn't have to go to hospital' etc)?? Wasn't it a display of temper too? Shouldn't they have felt ashamed? But of course they didn't. In their minds I deserved it. Anyway, need to end this here and now.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry,
I hope you feel better soon. I am glad you are taking care of yourself.

I find washing the dishes to be grounding also.

You have a lot of reason to be angry and you had a lot of reason to be angry at the age of ten. Stomp away!!!!

Not that there should be a particular way for anybody's inner parts to function. Instead I need to accept my inner parts and myself for where we are on the healing path and accept that methods that used to work (I've done a lot of IC work in the past) maybe don't work so well anymore.

I think that's true.

[Blueberry]

You have a lot of reason to be angry and you had a lot of reason to be angry at the age of ten. Stomp away!!!!

"Really??!?" says a large part of me. Not ICr. I'm not sure who. OK, like a large group of ICs and ITeens morphed into one, undoubtedly with my present-day adult still in the mix. "Really??!?" = incredulity. So thanks so much for posting that notalone. Obviously it's very validating.

In between drinking warm drinks, looking after myself, sleeping and just lying there resting, I'm spending more time reading "The Tao of Fully Feeling", even bits I've read before that maybe didn't mean so much at the time, but now I'm underlining away in pencil. At least this way I can see that I am making progress emotionally.

[Blueberry]

funny how that works - our bodies make us take the time to think.  amazing to me.  but, i am sorry you're still sick.  i know how much that sucks.

I'm remembering the years 1999-2000 where I got sick every 2 months, then every month ... till eventual complete collapse  even though I was working on myself and my problems, quite hard actually. Oh well. A couple of days ago I thought/felt "I am so tired of this - on and off again sick" but there will be some reason. Something I'm not paying attention to that needs my attention. So keep getting sick till I can change something in my life atm, maybe just a thought pattern, Idk. So, I no longer feel "tired" of this. It's just the way it is.

being double-teamed by abusers can complicate things.  not only are there 2 different sources of abuse (this is my opinion, because i'm also dealing with a triple-team effect) but the idea that one backs up the other seems to me to have an exponential effect of how traumatic the abuse ends up being.  to have to battle one type of abuse from one abuser is one thing; to have to battle 2 types of abuse from 2 different abusers has to take in both personalities, ways of being, their interactions between themselves and the fallout of that on you.  it's like 1 + 1 = 16. 

I never thought of it like that before, especially the idea of one abuser backing up the other having an exponential effect.
1 +1 = 16 produces a wry smile from me.  I'm sorry you're going through these realisations in healing atm too.

no wonder your inner children end up confused and untrusting of you being able to take care of them.  they were hit by uneven odds. 

san, could you manage to write this in different words, especially the "uneven odds"? Somehow the message isn't getting thru to me. It doesn't have to be right away!

I see you're doing deep work on yourself atm.