Returning After Long Absence ... Possible Triggers Childhood Sexual Abuse

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Tracer

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I joined OOTS about 2 years ago.  Can't remember exactly.  Made a post or two maybe.  But then stepped away.

When I first joined, I was separated from my ex but hoping to reconcile, which didn't happen.  I had also discovered CPTSD around that time.  I am a member of one FB CPTSD group and was pretty active about a year ago, but have stepped away from FB recently.  Too much of an addiction.

I've come back to the OOTS forum because of information I recently discovered about male survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma, which is a big source of my CPTSD.  My father's early forms of discipline were sexually traumatizing, and my older brother sexually abused me and my younger brothers.  I was also abused and bullied in one of my jobs adding an adult layer to the childhood CPTSD.

I've been reviewing the 1in6 and Jim Hopper websites, and have downloaded some of their materials.  Used their 24/7 chat, and ordered some recommended material.  Tonight I will try to join one of their weekly group chats.

I also figured that it might help to participate in the OOTS forums more.

I have a PhD in the Social Sciences/Humanities, but failed as a college professor because of all the triggers.  My last teaching job was in 2013.  I've also struggled with other jobs, and now I work just above minimum wage as a driver for non-emergency medical passengers.

My marriage of 28 years came to an end in January 2018, primarily because of my mental illnesses.

I want to get better.  Or at least better enough to find better employment, maybe even college teaching again.  I also want to  marry again, but want to be healthier in order to increase the odds of success and give her a better marriage than I had before.  One that she will deserve.  Whoever she is.

Plus, I am tired.  Very very tired.  I have been trying to hold up a facade, been in hyper vigilance mode, and live among near constant triggers.  I am uncomfortable around men, and dislike most of the traditional male behaviors such as put downs, ultra competitiveness, alpha behavior, etc.  Similarly, the typically masculine work world overwhelms me.

So that's the nutshell re-intro.

As a possible gift to the group, I understand that the word agony comes from a Greek term suggesting "to contend, or go to battle."  Sums up CPTSD for me.  Almost always contending and in some degree of agony.

Tracer

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woodsgnome

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Sorry to hear of your agony along the trail, but here's hoping your return to this forum will herald the start of a new perspective. It's a hard row, but worth it, even if it just spells hope in a new way.

Welcome back  :)




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notalone

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Welcome back.  :heythere:

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Blueberry

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Welcome back, Tracer!

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Kizzie

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Welcome back Tracer, I hope you will find some helpful information and support here.  :grouphug: 

You may have seen this already but there are some info/resources about CSA of males here - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2568.0.  (Note: I am always happy to add any you or anyone comes across.)

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Tracer

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Thank you everyone.  Apologies for the long pause again.  Work, etc.

Thank you Kizzie for the link.  I look forward to exploring it.

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Kizzie

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 :thumbup:     :grouphug:

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Three Roses

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Welcome back! Joining you in hoping for brighter days ahead.  :sunny: