suicide as a back-up plan

[starkravingsane]

Hey, I have what is probably an unusual point of view on something suicide-related and I wanted to bounce it off you guys and see what you think.


I am currently living in a voluntary program called a crisis residential and am working on my frequent suicidal thoughts. I have a "back-pocket" suicide plan, something I have no intent on acting upon but also do not wish to share with staff. I feel that I need to have something like an escape hatch, a thoroughly researched and readily available plan in my back pocket in case of emergencies.


I know that it is a control thing. It is also very trauma-related...from situations in which I was either literally or effectively trapped, I suppose. I feel that it keeps me feeling more empowered to walk through life knowing I have a way out if it is absolutely necessary. It makes me feel safer.


The question is: can I recover from my CPTSD symptoms with this plan in the back of my mind? Or does having this way out preclude me from moving forward with building a life worth living?


A while ago I thought the latter, that I really had to "close the door" on suicide completely in order to put all of my efforts into life. But now I think--but really am not sure--that perhaps having this secret plan could enable me to work toward a life worth living with less fear and a greater sense of control. Maybe I will feel less need to reach out to my usual maladaptive ways of seeking control.


Sorry this is kind of a long explanation. I just wanted to see if any of you guys had thoughts about/reactions to this topic.

[Kizzie]

Hi SRS,  I can't answer your question but wanted you to know suicide ideation as a form of comfort is something others here do feel. For example, here's a post by BluePalm about similar feelings - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14667.0. 

I understand your reluctance to tell program staff because of the potential for them to react as they are trained to do versus have a compassionate conversation in which you and they explore the issue in a safe, therapeutic way.  I hope this will change in time and more and more professionals will recognize the nuanced aspects of SI and we will feel a bit safer about being up front.

The thought I had when reading your post was that bringing this out into the light of day here is a form of taking more control in your recovery, a signal perhaps of your readiness to explore other ways of coping with your trauma that are healthier? 

Kizzie

[Gromit]

I had a recent experience that brought me closer to understanding the impact of suicide, as I too, often have a kind of 'plan in the back of my mind' which I would not act on, probably from fear that it would not work.

Somebody missed a couple of my classes, the second time there was no explanation and, as she had let me know about missed classes previously, I made contact. I got a neutral explanation, but, when she did arrive at the next class, late, I had to let her in personally, she apologised for not contacting me and explained she had had a bereavement, and it had been suicide. She was tearful at the end of class, the relaxation part can be difficult if you let your mind dwell on things which are upsetting.

I had never met anyone who had a loss this way before and it made me think about it. Those of us who consider it probably never consider the impact on others.

G

[starkravingsane]

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses. I wanted to clarify that I am talking to staff and the therapist here about having this thoroughly researched and specific plan; I am just not telling them the details of the plan. The therapist seems to be okay with me still having this plan upon discharge, just as long as I can be certain that I will not impulsively act upon it. I am working hard on this and becoming increasingly certain that it will remain nothing but a failsafe.


Thank you for pointing me to bluepalm's post as well! It is good to know that I am not the only one.


Gromit-- I think part of the problem comes when we believe that no one will be negatively impacted by our deaths, or even that people will be positively impacted when we are no longer a burden. I have a lot of these thoughts, but I do know at least my therapist will be gravely negatively impacted, as she has directly stated, and I care about her too much to ignore that.


I do not feel suicidal at this time. I just feel afraid to try with abandon, to jump without a parachute, as I need to do. And the plan alleviates that fear and provides a sense of control, and yes, comfort, as described so well in bluepalm's post.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
I haven't been on oots storm for sometime .. it's good to be back .
Thank u for sharing .

I made a firm decision maybe couple yrs ago that when the thoughts come and will say to them ' NO STOP ...we are not going there ... It is not an option .
I've been struggling a lot of triggers and associated symptoms .
There is a pull to go along with suicidal ideation as it feels comforting ..
But I'm still sticking to my commitment to not entertain .
If had thoughts intermittently for many yrs ... Doesn't get easier though ..
I have a v healthy fear of going down that road. It's clear they jump on as a way to give a relief that's when I need to self soothe and comfort myself ... Which yep isn't easy when PTSD sympts are high ..
But that's what I need to do and to call my mh team line