Doing Things For ME Journal

[Blueberry]

Thanks CF    It's going to take a while, that's all.

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I guess Doing Things FOR ME should be my journal's title. It is really hard! So that's why it will be good for me to focus on it.

[sanmagic7]

i like it, blueberry - both a challenge and a goal.  love and hugs   

[Blueberry]

Thanks san

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In fits and starts, I'm sorting through things and throwing some out. Especially going through papers. I sift through them, sometimes 2 or 3 times. Also sometimes on the 2nd or 3rd time I actually throw the paper out though for some reason I couldn't on the first time. Going back to previous Journal: I'm working on accepting myself about this. I've noticed before that I have a kind of haphazard way of sorting. Another aspect of that is that I can sift through papers and decide to keep or not, but the ones I keep mostly go back in the pile they came from. I'm mostly not good at being able to file them in the proper place, or even necessarily decide where the proper place would be. That knowledge helps me understand why so many of my papers are not filed, why it is so exhausting for me to try and tidy things up - at least 'the why' on the surface - and understanding helps me accept myself better.

I'm really tired. Didn't go to bed last night because it's so cold in that room. Sat in one of my living-room chairs instead but didn't sleep. Eventually got up again and started sorting papers. (See above.)

I found some more notes I took from trauma conferences etc which I still can't throw out w/o typing on here first. I guess the advantage of that to myself is that I have to re-read and feel a bit, process a tiny bit?

[Blueberry]

more or less ditto post above. Except I was in bed for a long, long time. Over 12 hours. It's cold but I have a lot of wool blankets and I bothered to make myself a hot water bottle. So I made myself a hot water bottle. That was doing something for me, which is my focus on this journal. Yesterday I went to the neighbourhood pantry and got lucky: there was tons (not literally) of fruit and veg, of which I took quite a bit of things you can eat raw - for me and my furbabies. And I started eating right away too lol but at least that was nutritious!

Going to bed IN BED last night was definitely for ME because as of tonight it's supposedly going to rain for a week which will mean that the ceiling over by the window will start dripping again, which doesn't lend itself to easy sleeping - above and beyond the cold.

I phoned a friend yesterday which was definitely also FOR ME as well as for her. Something she said helped me realise that all my energy is going into staying put and not being pushed / manipulated into something by LL. So no wonder everything else is so hard including very basic self-care. And then the holidays on top of it all, where none of my usual appointments are taking place. No therapy of any sort, no doc appts - tho I remember now one of my docs was going to be open between Xmas and New Year's. I remember that now! But probably then I was still holding out fairly well, whereas this week... I can't remember when the rain started coming in, but that was an added unforeseen stressor, unimaginable at the time I last could have spoken to one of my docs. Anyway, things outside my bldg are going back to normal tomorrow: everything open again, no more public holidays till just before Lent, and I have a whole load of appointments. And the builders will be back. 

[sanmagic7]

well done, blueberry, on doing so many things for you.  i think it's wonderful you're focusing on such positives.  keep up the good work.  i love it when we can get fresh fruits and veggies - they're the best, and definitely something you're doing for you.  love and hugs

[CrackedIce]

Just wanted to say I love reading your entries.  Focusing on such positives helps highlight the little wins all around us every day and can definitely lift the spirits and mood.

Hope you have a good week!

[Blueberry]

Thanks CrackedIce
There are actually whole threads of similar on OOTS e.g. Three Good Things Today, Things I am Grateful For, Today I achieved etc They can mostly be found here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0
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Maybe I should go back to those boards. Last night I wrote myself a list of Beneficial Things to Do. I didn't do very many of them, in fact I got up, took my first meds and went back to bed. I also went to bed in the early afternoon and missed my doc appt. I wrote it down as 14:00 which was correct but I can no longer read w/o sticking my nose on the page, so today I glanced and read 14:30. I got my prescription but no appointment. My psych doc is my least useful professional person for just talking to, but it wasn't fair to his medical practice, to him or even to myself to turn up half an hour late.

I'm addicted to the Internet atm. Spend hours on it, including rn. But at least I'm doing something semi-useful atm, which can't be said for most of the day.

I did the most important thing yesterday: found some important papers for my appt with Tenant's Rights tomorrow. Having found them, everything else got put on the backburner (by me). Idk that it's a conscious decision but it just happens.

[Not Alone]

I love that you are making note of the things that you are doing for yourself. The following is a list of things to do for self-care, if you would find that helpful. https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/selfcare

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone

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Today I made it to occup. T.
Two important realisations I made: I'm doing a lot of flight atm to avoid my feelings and I'm doing freeze to avoid taking action. So far I've known that I am sometimes a 'freezer' and sometimes a 'flighter' but I hadn't got it so clear on the functions on when I'm doing one or the other. I'm also sometimes a fighter. That's the aspect in me atm that's thinking and acting: I'm not being manipulated by LL to move out w/o hefty financial compensation! That wasn't the realisation today though, I knew that in advance.

The other important realisation: Considering the current situation, I'm managing extremely well.

[Snowdrop]

The other important realisation: Considering the current situation, I'm managing extremely well.

You are! I'm glad you can see that.

I also love the focus on things you are doing for yourself.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Snowdrop It's good to see the quotation again but just a few minutes ago I didn't feel I was coping well at all.

Wondering if anybody else on here seems to misunderstand people? Apparently I misunderstood the lawyer at Tenant's Rights so nothing going to be particularly easy after all and the approximate amount of money in compensation which the lawyer mentioned last appt is not a likely amount. She doesn't even remember saying that amount. Not really about the amount but about everything I feel        

But still, I'm managing extremely well. I said I'd go to choir so I should. Even though 'should' isn't good for me, in this case I think it would be good to go.

[rainydiary]

I regularly experience misunderstanding with others especially in technical situations like you are describing.  I am thinking of you as you process.

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary   It helps to know I'm not alone with this. I'm wondering if misunderstandings like this have anything to do with this dissociative symptoms I have?

I realise now - once again - how important it is for me to do things that are good for me because that helps with resilience which I need in order to keep going with my plans! And I also need in order not to be bowled over by anything from LL or FOO or Tenant's Rights saying something different and/or I misunderstood or whatever.

It seems I've bitten off more than I can chew with this Journal, so I'm going to end it.
If anybody has a response you can leave it of course, but otherwise I'm starting a new Journal with a different focus.

[Armee]

 

Hugs BB. I don't tend to misunderstand things I just flat out do not remember them or take in information in the first place. But it makes sense to me dissociation would be behind what you are experiencing. I'm sorry that sounds really disappointing about your meeting. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee, hugs are good, feel good atm