sexual abuse: unburdening myself here | possible triggers

[Sandals]

Well, this post is considerably harder than the last one. 

This is the part that I usually hold back from the story of me because the shame is so immense. As is the fear of disbelief and contamination.

When I was 11 or 12, I was play-fighting with my second-oldest brother (6 years older than me). I remember him grabbing my arms and touching in between my legs, asking, "Is this why little girls keep their legs crossed?" I didn't know what to do. Then he stopped and things went back to normal.

I haven't told my T about this next one because I'm too scared of what it could mean. My sister asked if I remembered this and the sensations came flooding back. I don't know what age I was, can't place it at all. One of my brothers, asking me to close my eyes and feel this and tell him what it is. An elephant's trunk? I don't know....

And then there's this that happened during the breathing exercise from the workshop I did. And I have a fear of what it could be, I have told my T. But she wants to be very careful not create a false memory (as do I)... So right now, it's just there. I'm just copying and pasting from my review thread, just to get it done with.

The cathartic breathing exercise, I am also still processing and it was extremely powerful this time. I think this was due to me being so opened up. I accessed the emotions of my mom's physical abuse and other abuses, and was vocalizing a lot. I believe I dissociated for a bit, right in the middle. By the time I returned to my body, the music had turned to more soothing stuff, but my body was ramping up again, accessing even more deeply. First it was a return to the physical abuse, and then it went deeper, and I remember my body jerking. My T saw that it and she she encouraged me to let it out. What came out of my mouth was "Get off of me" several times and then I think I screamed, loudly, but I don't remember this completely.  I had told my T about a time when one of my brothers touched me when we were play-fighting, but this felt different, like someone holding me down by my collarbones. I'm not sure what it means, but it was powerful. Afterward, I laid still and cried a bit and the rolled onto my side and curled up in a ball. Lucky for me, that was the side my partner was on, so we connected and it helped ground me and gently bring me back.

Breathe. Post. Now.

[Rain]

Hi there, Sandals.   I'm proud of you that you posted what you are working through ...unburdening.   

Because we were children at the time, we hold such deep shame for other people's crimes done to us.   

The shame belongs to your brother(s), Sandals ...not you.

You were a victim.

If an adult woman had these incidents occur to her, and a the police just happened to be standing there, your brother(s) would be taken to jail.

Yes, you feel shame, and it is not yours.    Your brother(s) are guilty for their behaviors, their choices.   

I understand why you feel shame  ...children internalize the blame for whatever happens.   You did not deserve this awfulness, Sandals.

You, as an adult, can take the shame from your inner kid, and give the blame to your brother(s) now.

He/they are responsible for this abuse.

He was six years older than you, so he was around 17 years old ...that is a someone that knew what they were doing.    He knows what he did.   Incest behavior.

What I do find interesting in what you write is that your sister asked if you remembered.   Did she witness this abuse?    Is she older than you?

I am sorry this happened to you, Sandals.   We are here to support you, as always.

[Sandals]

All good points, Rain, as always.

My sister remembers being part of the 'guessing game' as a guesser so I think it happened to her too, at the same time. I know I was younger when this happened...I am thinking younger than 8, but can't place it. That's a good point on her age: she's 2.5 years older than me. I haven't connected with her on this after she brought it up...of all places at a Christmas family gathering.

I haven't talked a lot about my sister here. I find her to be so weird, I can't relate to her at all. She's my mom's golden child and both me and my brothers know this, as she makes it very clear. But I wonder if it impacted me more as the other girl and youngest. (Birth order is boy, boy, girl, girl.) It's actually my sisters-in-law who seem to see the favouritism more clearly.

I have tried in the past to connect with her, but it doesn't happen. I don't think it's just my perspective as I have a variety of people comment on how 'off' she is, from relatives to friends to acquaintances. It's so hard to describe. My mom has always done a lot for her, from finding her jobs to giving her extra money, even doing schoolwork for her. I have a hard time judging if she is really needing this help or is just incredibly manipulative. One thing I can say with certainty is that she wants everything but does not have a work ethic or any sort of sense of independence. And she likes to talk about being a victim, but not do anything about it, in all areas of her life. I get being stuck, I really do, but with her it's more a way to get attention.

Anyway, I'm wandering quite a bit off topic here.

You are entirely right that he knew what he was doing. Isn't it strange that I've never thought that before? Thank you.

[Rain]

Hi Sandals,

to you.

You are entirely right that he knew what he was doing. Isn't it strange that I've never thought that before? Thank you.

Actually, it is not unusual at all.   This is why I type out the seeming "obvious" in these posts, as we commonly have the child perspective stored with our memories.  It is also direct validation.  You remember what made sense at the time, and that was not the truth of the situation.

I do this for myself to unravel the past ...I state the "obvious" which I have invariably overlooked as an adult.     The cohesiveness of our stories we tell indicates how much we have unraveled the "massive knot of lies" from our past.

Yes.   He was nearly old enough to be sent off to a war, go to college ...you were a child, a trusting child thinking "play-fight" ...that was your "child perspective"     He knew what he was doing at the age of 17.

So, no ...it is not strange you didn't see this.   Again, I'm sorry, Sandals.

Now that you explain your sister, and she endured the CSA also, then you have a pattern of abuse and intent.   Bummer that your sister is not stable.   For her ...and for you.   She does not sound pleasant, but ...well, who knows what mental condition she is in.    Another tragedy.   Your brother(s) to be making these criminal choices of incest behavior ...well, again ...what mental condition is there.

But, right now ...you have yourself to heal.   You will survive.

I have only found one book on abuse from siblings, as this is a vastly overlooked topic.   The title of the book is Sibling Abuse: Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma by Vernon R Wiehe (2nd edition, 1997).   It is a textbook, but quite readable.   

As you would expect, there is a ton of denial with society as a whole with "siblings always fight" viewpoint, which in my opinion ranks right up there with "kids always have to deal with bullies in school ...it will make them stronger"    In other words, adults turn the other way as children endure abuse that adults would absolute not tolerate from another adult, let's say in a workplace (at least they should not!).

From reading the book, siblings do just as much, if not more abuse than parents (more, because there is an acceptance that "siblings fight").

Notice the abuse your brother did had a "cover" of "play-fighting" and a "game" so he could say it was just "siblings being siblings" (either in his own mind, or to others).

[Sandals]

Thanks again, Rain. I will come back to this. It's the first time I've tried to process it and I'm torn between leaving it in that space of "just an event" tucked away in a file in my mind somewhere vs recognizing, processing and integrating. And I can't shake this feeling that there was something else, but I don't know what that could be.

The weird thing is that the terror I associate with my mom isn't there, which seems to make it easier to accept. But I think that's because I'm not done processing. Ugh.

[Rain]

That makes tons and tons of sense, Sandals.   The crud will release out of you as you are safe, and you can ...you know.

I know what you mean on the "feeling" ...like Van der Kolk says with his book title, The Body Knows the Score.   Trust that, trust your body.  In due time, whatever needs to come out will.

I sure wish I could magically go back in time and somehow make all things "right" in the world ....

Yeah.  The processing ...well, yeah.   There is more.

We will be here though, Sandals ...you are not alone with this ...so not alone.

Breath, feel cared about.   

[globetrotter]

Sandals.
Thank you for posting this.
I am curious about false memories, if you don't mind me asking..
I have some memories that are real but recently new ones are coming up but they are hazy snippets. Are they real? How DO you know? I've been told that they almost always are. I so understand what you mean as its just another 'event' in the bucket.
I have quite a few feelings of there being "something else " lately. Confusing...

[Badmemories]

part I

Hi all! 

I do not know how it happened but I tried to post My thoughts on this not once but twice today.. I feel like the first version was great...the second one was good! and now I hope that this one is the best...

Sandal... I was so impressed at how brave You were to write about Your SA..I have mentioned it some on here not really going into it so much. I have had at least 6 months of work on this issue many years back, so I thought I was done with it... well I guess G-D had more in store for me. When I read Your story it brought back a whole new can of worms..(memories) In fact it reminded me of a incident with My cousins.  I cried for You I cried for me.. and all of Us who have suffered.  Thank You so much for writing what happened to You! I am going to post a few of the memories in a new post... I think You are doing remarkably well will Your healing.. I know it is hard because Myself I am going through it all over again.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed at what My life has given me. I used to feel guilty and blame Myself. I have been married to 4 people who are bad for me and had a long term relationship with another. Everytime I thought I was getting into a better situation and low and behold it was worse!  Then of course all the blame that I'd internalize.. like I was a peice of crap that kept picking these loosers. OOTF really helped me to see that the damage done was mostly because of My family of origin.

Now, I am going through this abuse thing.. The denial is so great! Sandal and all of You I am so proud at how much you all and Me have opened up and started to tell our secrets. I think that is a big step in breaking down the wall of Denial. I also think that Us reading about each others denial and getting a greater understanding of WHO was responsible for all this *. not only does it help to read about it, but it also Is nice to have somewhere safe to vent our feelings. Of course we were all mostly told something like... "quit crying or I will give you something to cry about" type statements.

For me a BIIGGG part of healing from this abuse issue is CRYING! I have not cried in years.. i mean like 59 of My 60 years!    ( i wished we had a picture of someone crying with tears flooding the floor or something) That is how I am feeling now. 

I am not sad about the crying though. I feel it is catargic. I am Keepin on Keeping on!

I am dedicated to Work through this * until I get well or DIE!

[Badmemories]

Part II

Hi All,
I am quit tired from All the crying I did during the AM... I have not slept much for the last 2 days..first getting ready for thanksgiving.. and then the crying jag!    In fact with out meds I have been on a slight mania.. a good change from the DEPRESSION I HAVE BEEN IN!  We all love the Manias don' we? 

Sandal wrote:
This is the part that I usually hold back from the story of me  because the shame is so immense. As is the fear of disbelief and contamination.  

  I was thinking about how much guilt and comdemnation We feel because of what others do to US. We have to disown that part... I guess it it the INNER CRITIC>>.(Do You guys remember that I wrote on the inner critic THAT I DID NOT HAVE AN INNER CRITIC?) Well I do now!!

Rain wrote:

Because we were children at the time, we hold such deep shame for other people's crimes done to us.  

The shame belongs to your brother(s), Sandals ...not you.

You were a victim.

If an adult woman had these incidents occur to her, and a the police just happened to be standing there, your brother(s) would be taken to jail.

Yes, you feel shame, and it is not yours.    Your brother(s) are guilty for their behaviors, their choices.  

I understand why you feel shame  ...children internalize the blame for whatever happens.   You did not deserve this awfulness, Sandals.

You, as an adult, can take the shame from your inner kid, and give the blame to your brother(s) now.

He/they are responsible for this abuse.

Sometimes everything gets so complicated for me..Rain You really simplified this thing called healing..

• We have to be out of Denial to what happened to Us in order to look at it.
• We have to be willing to look at the incidents of out lives as the inner child felt them.
• When We look at them We have to rephrase them see schrödinger's cat post,
            http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=66.msg766#msg766 rephrasing woorkpiece 
  http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=66.msg709#msg709
• We have to take a look at the incidents as the Adult looking at how the Inner child saw the incident, and how as an Adult they really were.
• Then We have to resolve it within ourselves. For me it is crying! Letting the inner child express HOW SHE/HE felt.
• Then We should feel some sort of cataract release.
• If We don't then we need to revisit the incident until the inner child tells Us more about the incident.

I need to edit this to find the post on rephrasing.. but posting anyway so that I don't loose it! I made a mistake the ORIGINAL post on rephrasing was by schrödinger's cat

Keep on Keeping on!

[Rain]

   for you, Badmemories.

[Sandals]

globetrotter, Badmemories, Rain - thank you for all of your support, comments and questions. 

I am sitting here, having my second drink of the night, so forgive me if this is a bit rambly. I have not had a drink in at least 6 months because I have been consciously choosing not to deal with these issues by drinking (although SI is a way of dealing that is not positive). But my ex has the kids tonight until tomorrow and it feels like it's been such a roller-coaster week that I just felt it, so I'm indulging.

First of all, thank you for commenting, even if you weren't sure what to say. Putting this out there and getting radio silence would have been dreadful, and you've helped alleviate that. Yesterday, after posting here, I found the courage to email my T about it. Today, we had a session via Skype and I think her original intention was to talk about this, but then Skype crapped out on us and when we got back on she asked what I wanted to talk about and we ended up talking about Christmas and my FOO system overall. She had some good insights. Apparently I'm the rebel in my family in breaking out of this awful system. It kind of makes me laugh b/c I'm not a very rebellious person overall but she's right w/ regard to my FOO.

Anyhow, all that to say that I think I'm still in heavy processing mode (and avoided it by talking about my FOO system), and having all of you talk about it is helping immensely. Gratitude. 

I am curious about false memories, if you don't mind me asking..
I have some memories that are real but recently new ones are coming up but they are hazy snippets. Are they real? How DO you know? I've been told that they almost always are. I so understand what you mean as its just another 'event' in the bucket.
I have quite a few feelings of there being "something else " lately. Confusing...

This is a good question, globetrotter, and one that I'm not sure I know the answer to. I think Rain is right in the your body knows, which is why I'm pushing on it for me after what happened with the breathing exercise. I can say that with the "guessing game" it wasn't present in my memory but as soon as my sister said a couple of words, I recalled it with certainty. I just needed that prod. My hypothesis is that something similar will happen with other repressed memories once you can find the entry way. I encourage you to keep sharing, either here or elsewhere, what you are feeling or remembering, as it helps to have it out there so you can process and go deeper.

Understanding how much worry I have of disbelief myself with memories I *know* are real, I understand how hard it is for ones that you are uncertain of. I think this is where trusting yourself and your inner child comes into play. Even though I have tremendous fear of someone coming and saying, "YOU'RE LYING," it is making me feel more at peace to be stating the things that I know to be true.

And I do fervently believe the body remembers. The awful thing with these CSA memories is that, for me, all of the memories are sensation-based, hugely so. It's different than the physical stuff, which seem to be more seated in fear/terror. It feels so awful, so contaminated and I just want to push them away as hard as I can to get that feeling gone. But I worry that if I do that, they will pop up somewhere else. It's tough. 

part I
Sandal... I was so impressed at how brave You were to write about Your SA..I have mentioned it some on here not really going into it so much. I have had at least 6 months of work on this issue many years back, so I thought I was done with it... well I guess G-D had more in store for me. When I read Your story it brought back a whole new can of worms..(memories) In fact it reminded me of a incident with My cousins.  I cried for You I cried for me.. and all of Us who have suffered.  Thank You so much for writing what happened to You! I am going to post a few of the memories in a new post... I think You are doing remarkably well will Your healing.. I know it is hard because Myself I am going through it all over again.

Thank you for this gift, BM. I am tearing up at your words, and it feels good/cathartic.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed at what My life has given me. I used to feel guilty and blame Myself. I have been married to 4 people who are bad for me and had a long term relationship with another. Everytime I thought I was getting into a better situation and low and behold it was worse!  Then of course all the blame that I'd internalize.. like I was a peice of crap that kept picking these loosers. OOTF really helped me to see that the damage done was mostly because of My family of origin.

I am so glad that you have seen this.    I did the same: I married my freakin' mom, for pete's sakes.    It's not your fault, not our fault, we didn't have the tools to understand how to love ourselves and therefore couldn't be a good choice in understanding if others truly loved us.

Now, I am going through this abuse thing.. The denial is so great! Sandal and all of You I am so proud at how much you all and Me have opened up and started to tell our secrets. I think that is a big step in breaking down the wall of Denial. I also think that Us reading about each others denial and getting a greater understanding of WHO was responsible for all this s***. not only does it help to read about it, but it also Is nice to have somewhere safe to vent our feelings. Of course we were all mostly told something like... "quit crying or I will give you something to cry about" type statements.

Yes, yes, yes. I get it. Don't talk about it = not recognizing that it happened. Convenient for the abusers, more painful for those that were abused.

For me a BIIGGG part of healing from this abuse issue is CRYING! I have not cried in years.. i mean like 59 of My 60 years!    ( i wished we had a picture of someone crying with tears flooding the floor or something) That is how I am feeling now. 

Me, too. Not a crier - and not proud of that fact. But this will be my second time today. 

I am not sad about the crying though. I feel it is catargic. I am Keepin on Keeping on!

I am dedicated to Work through this b***s*** until I get well or DIE!

Yes! This is what we need to do, and I'm so proud of you for your determination and the courage it takes to really look at this in the eye. You can do this. 

Part II

Hi All,
I am quit tired from All the crying I did during the AM... I have not slept much for the last 2 days..first getting ready for thanksgiving.. and then the crying jag!    In fact with out meds I have been on a slight mania.. a good change from the DEPRESSION I HAVE BEEN IN!  We all love the Manias don' we? 

I am quite fond of the mania myself - as I am also quite fond of when I am in flight mode. Good adrenaline, movement, etc. 

Sandal wrote:
This is the part that I usually hold back from the story of me  because the shame is so immense. As is the fear of disbelief and contamination.  

  I was thinking about how much guilt and comdemnation We feel because of what others do to US. We have to disown that part... I guess it it the INNER CRITIC>>.(Do You guys remember that I wrote on the inner critic THAT I DID NOT HAVE AN INNER CRITIC?) Well I do now!!

Yes, and again, a huge thank you to Rain for helping provide the context to disown it. And good for you for being able to track it back to the IC!

Sometimes everything gets so complicated for me..Rain You really simplified this thing called healing..

• We have to be out of Denial to what happened to Us in order to look at it.
• We have to be willing to look at the incidents of out lives as the inner child felt them.
• When We look at them We have to rephrase them see Spyties post,
            //
• We have to take a look at the incidents as the Adult looking at how the Inner child saw the incident, and how as an Adult they really were.
• Then We have to resolve it within ourselves. For me it is crying! Letting the inner child express HOW SHE/HE felt.
• Then We should feel some sort of cataract release.
• If We don't then we need to revisit the incident until the inner child tells Us more about the incident.

I love this process, especially the validation and comfort of the IC. Thank you so much for sharing, Badmemories.

[Badmemories]

Part III

Sandal wrote:
My sister remembers being part of the 'guessing game' as a guesser so I think it happened to her too, at the same time. I know I was younger when this happened...I am thinking younger than 8, but can't place it. That's a good point on her age: she's 2.5 years older than me. I haven't connected with her on this after she brought it up...of all places at a Christmas family gathering.

I haven't talked a lot about my sister here. I find her to be so weird, I can't relate to her at all. She's my mom's golden child and both me and my brothers know this, as she makes it very clear. But I wonder if it impacted me more as the other girl and youngest. (Birth order is boy, boy, girl, girl.) It's actually my sisters-in-law who seem to see the favouritism more clearly.

I have tried in the past to connect with her, but it doesn't happen. I don't think it's just my perspective as I have a variety of people comment on how 'off' she is, from relatives to friends to acquaintances. It's so hard to describe. My mom has always done a lot for her, from finding her jobs to giving her extra money, even doing schoolwork for her. I have a hard time judging if she is really needing this help or is just incredibly manipulative. One thing I can say with certainty is that she wants everything but does not have a work ethic or any sort of sense of independence. And she likes to talk about being a victim, but not do anything about it, in all areas of her life. I get being stuck, I really do, but with her it's more a way to get attention.

I feel so much the same way. I wished that me and uNPDSis could be sisters and really talk about what happened to each of US. The man who SA me was HER father. I am sure that He Did the same thing to her. Her GFather was also a molester...I have been grieving because I wished We could talk about it in a healing way  My uNPDSis also likes to play the victim... , I guess as aUnpd that the victim role works well for her.. I mean She talked it All the time around town making everyone feel sorry for HER! I was so ashamed that Our Family secrets were aired all over town. For Me The real truth is hard enough to bear...But She would lie about it and really dramatize It! 

When I started setting boundaries then of course She gave ME the silent Treatment!  One boundary is that I decided to NOT keep listening to her sob stories, and Her tails of abuse..Not because I did not feel for her... but just that She DIDN'T WANT TO GET BETTER... where as I want to get healed from this ABUSE..So I finally started telling her that I did not know the answer (like a broken record) That She needed to get a therapist> That made her mad..( I did not know it then but I cut off her supply) She said "Well IF I can't tell You about it then what are we going to talk about? ( implying that then She did not need me.) Then I cut off the ATM and quit loaning her money... and she was mad about that! Now I am in the process of evicting her.. and of course She "thinks I owe her." Why? because we are family and family do not do that to each other!" Funny though IT WAS A ONE WAY street! I was giving and She was taking...

[color]Sandal wrote:
Anyway, I'm wandering quite a bit off topic here. [/color]

I don't think that wondering off topic is such a big thing here. For One reason the conversation just seems to evolve...This is so different than Forums where the topic is generally about ONE thing.. Well here it is about c-PTSD and there are so many faucets of that. We write on ALL of them!

Anyway I do think that in a family ALL of them are abused... I think that it is possible Your brother was abused also. I think He was acting out what had been done to him... When I say this I do not want You to think that I am absolving him of the fault or anything....Science has yet to find out and study why one member of a family get a personality disorder and the other ones become continually become victims! 

Keep on keeping on!  .

[Badmemories]

Part IV continued from above!

Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert!
I am just so long winded! I feel good! I do think that I DID do a better job this time... It is more introspective this time instead of so emotional!

Last but not least. 

Posted by: globetrotter
« on: November 27, 2014, 11:57:20 PM
Sandals.
Thank you for posting this.
I am curious about false memories, if you don't mind me asking..
I have some memories that are real but recently new ones are coming up but they are hazy snippets. Are they real? How DO you know? I've been told that they almost always are. I so understand what you mean as its just another 'event' in the bucket.
I have quite a few feelings of there being "something else " lately. Confusing...

I remember a case in the 80's where a couple who provided daycare for children were prosecuted by some state somewhere for child molestation. I studied it quit a bit because at that time I was going to counseling for My own sexual abuse...What happened is that they started asking these children questions on what had happened to them.  The questions were leading for example "Did such and such touch Your privates?"...they asked various Sexual questions to these children.  The Children began talking among themselves, and the parents also were talking, so that  the Children were hearing also what the parents were discussing among themselves. The kids were in therapy, and then they started saying and agreeing with the counselors, and talking and saying as fact the things they were hearing.   The child care workers were immediately put in jail and given huge sentences and America was just shocked.    Later on the cases was overturned and it came out that in fact nothing had happened! 

I am writing this as an example of what FALSE MEMORIES ARE... Honestly from MY experience... not what a book says and IMHO If You are not being suggested to by a counselor, but She/he is asking Open end questions like "What are YOU feeling?" or "Why do You think You are feeling that way" etc. then the IS NO POSSIBILITY OF FALSE MEMORIES. I have many experiences in My life of being molested (Molesters sense Who they can molest and get away with it. That's why I was a victim)

Experience #1. From the point of a victims Mother.

My daughter was molested by HER Father when She was 20 months (sick huh!) Her Father was a Truck driver. We were separated... She was almost out of Diapers and wearing panties and He asked If he could take her on the road with him as it was a short run. She always slept with me because as a HIPPIE type person I believe (and still believe) in letting children sleep with their parents for good bonding. I had finally got her in her own bed with the lights OFF...She came back home and Her bought her a rag doll. Immediately She Wanted to be in bed with me again and wanted the lights on... .  Then She started saying "Daddy peed on me!"  I was thinking that She was saying that because she was concentrating on potty training and for a week I would sooth her and Say Why did DADDY do that?  She also regressed on her potty training. She also did not seem like herself she seemed depressed... I kept putting her in her own bed at bed time because IT WAS TIME FOR HER TO BE IN HER OWN BED!  After about a week of that... She came to my bed and told me the same thing again!  FINALLY because I was molested..I thought that fu??er ejackulated on her! (the only time I was thankful that I WAS molested because I knew at that moment what had happened...) I comforted her and did not say anything.. but I did call and get an emergency appointment at the Crisis center in our area. I did not want to taint her in anyway to lean her one way or another..Also because I was molested.. I always taught her the right words fo her body parts ( for example vigina) I sure caught * for that from uNPDM

She went to a specialist cop and they used Doll therapy and decided that indeed she had been molested..They were SO HAPPY THAT I TAUGHT her the right words...They did NOT prosecute HIM because she was too small to TELL THEM what state that IT was done in.... The court system was behind me though.. I had a divorce within  The legal 30+ days paid for by the state!  I also got COMPLETE CONTROL and custody! 

Example #2 me as a victim with Physical sexual feelings that I have had since I was very small. I described it on this post...

I posted:
For many years I had this feeling that I could NOT identify. It was a memory type feeling. even though it was a memory, physically sometimes I could feel it. I would go over it in My mind and wonder what the feeling was... It was not any feeling that I had actually felt during sexual intercourse, or any thing else that happened during sex but just a feeling down there that once in a while I would physically feel. It happened quit by accident that I discovered what had caused the feeling...but it was like a light bulb moment....

At that point I  realized what had caused that problem. as I said I do not know the who, when where...

Globtrotter....So I have carried this feeling around for at least 49+ years.. I just could not identify What that feeling was cause from. I knew it was sexual, but In my normal sex life I had never had this same feeling...I have had T for sexual abuse, but it was more of a who what where when and not a Poor Pammy Sue how did You feel? (My IC) So now I am coming at it at a different angle.. the T go me to remember all the facts but not the feelings! NOW I am feeling it.

So any of You and specifically Globetrotter...You are probably onto something and YOUR IC will reveal it when she is ready!

If anyone would like to ask me questions in private... I have some expertise in this area.. I will be glad to answer Your questions in private.. I am of course having triggers etc. right now so IF I don't get to You right away don't be distressed or take it personal I will get to You..

I think I am gong to take Sandals lead and mix myself a drink so I can go to sleep. (3 hours sleep in the last 36  )

Thank You all for Your encouragement and help... It means the world to me! It is so nice to be understood and also to be able to help You all also! 

[globetrotter]

Thanks for this info ...th memories I have are not from anything discussed with anyone..nor are they body-sensed..more visual recall..so many decades old and lacking detail in some cases but still making me wonder.

[Badmemories]

  Globetrotter,

It is good to look at everything that comes to You  and at least be able to Seek answers! Being OPEN help the IC come out to tell You about things.

Keep on Keeping on!